How to tell guys I'm married without sounding assuming/arrogant?

foxfire · 07-24-2012, 11:55 PM

Hey ladies! I'm new! I am in business school, and so networking is very important. I've been married for almost a year. My problem is: sometimes guys hit on me, and I can tell that they are hitting on me. But I'm nice to everyone and act friendly towards all men and women equally, so I think some guys get the wrong idea. Two questions. First- how do I be nice to guys without them thinking I'm hitting on them? Second- when they ask for my number or to catch a drink or coffee, what do I say? Because in school people do this all the time. But I can TELL when it's just friendly or networking, versus when I'm being hit on, but I can't call the guy out on it without sounding assuming or arrogant, like I assumed he was asking me out. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but it still looks like a wedding ring, but I guess guys don't think it is or else they don't look. Help!

camihuml · 07-25-2012, 12:08 AM

Just mention your "husband" in conversation, that way you don't even have to go there, they already know. Saves you from many awkward moments. And don't give your number to men, only a business card would be appropriate, nothing else.
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Lon · 07-25-2012, 12:12 AM

Maybe you are networking with the wrong people?

Stick with professional business minded folks that wouldn't hit on every female colleague they meet. Find people that are more interested in money than sex.

Maricha75 · 07-25-2012, 12:25 AM

Guy: Hey, can I have your number?
You: My husband and I have an agreement regarding that. I don't give my number to other men, he doesn't give his to other women.

Guy: Hey, wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime?
You: Sorry, my husband and I meet at the coffee shop to catch up/unwind from the day's activities. It's our special time. Hope you understand.

If they persist, them simply tell them "look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm just not interested."

that_girl · 07-25-2012, 12:27 AM

Yea. I just bring up my husband in conversation. When we're talking, and they start to seem like they are flirting or whatever, I take the conversation towards my husband.

"Ooh! My husband LOVES [whatever that is]!"

uhaul4mybaggage · 07-25-2012, 12:50 AM

I know how you feel. when I was younger, guys would hit on me even though I had a ring on. I would handle it in one of the ways described above, but some are persistent and say things like, "he doesn't have to know.." etc. That, to me, is just insulting. If they don't respect it when you are respecting your marriage, I no longer feel they need to be given any further respect themselves. At that point, it's like: "you wouldn't get my number even if I WASN'T married. Get lost."

that_girl · 07-25-2012, 12:52 AM

Yea, if they pursue it that blatantly, then they are scum anyway.

uhaul4mybaggage · 07-25-2012, 12:55 AM

Off topic: My sister in law was home alone and the neighbor was moving out. He decided to throw out a line: I've always thought you were pretty; maybe you can have me over when your husband is at work some time. She called my brother (her husband) and he came home from work and confronted the guy. Scared the guy so bad he pissed his pants. I was so proud. :-)

Point: your marriage is just like anything else that's valuable. If you leave it unattended, it will get stolen, violated, vandalized, yadda yadda. If it means something to you, there are times you will have to protect it, even if it means standing up and confronting. It's worth it. And if it isn't, you have big problems.

Gaia · 07-25-2012, 01:14 AM

Here is something you could do, if your wearing a ring that is.

"Hold on.." look at your ring, fiddle with it as if making sure its still bright and shiny then show it to them and ask... "Is there still a smudge on this?" If they anser then shrug and ask.. "Now what were you saying?"

Or you could do this... pull out your phone and say... "hold on one minute... you just reminded me to tell my husband that we need more coffee.."
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Bellavista · 07-25-2012, 01:19 AM

Or you could just say 'Do you mind if my husband & 10 kids come as well? They don't get out very often.'

Maricha75 · 07-25-2012, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bellavista

Or you could just say 'Do you mind if my husband & 10 kids come as well? They don't get out very often.'

I thought about something like this above!

Maricha75 · 07-25-2012, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gaia

Or you could do this... pull out your phone and say... "hold on one minute... you just reminded me to tell my husband that we need more coffee.."
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Good one!

Mavash. · 07-25-2012, 09:13 AM

I think you are sending the wrong signals to men. To them networking = flirting. No wonder you are getting hit on.

I'm with Lon you are networking with the wrong crowd. I say this from experience. I'm a CPA and I did NOT network at school. Like they could help me. LOL If anything they are more concerned about their own success/needs than mine. I didn't hang out with men in college when I was married.

Jellybeans · 07-25-2012, 09:20 AM

First off, it's not "arrogant or assuming" to tell someone you're married. No clue why you think that.

You either are married or you're not. It's really simple.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxfire

Two questions. First- how do I be nice to guys without them thinking I'm hitting on them? !

By treating them as you would a colleague: cordial and professional. All business. By having good boundaries.

Quote:

Originally Posted by foxfire

Second- when they ask for my number or to catch a drink or coffee, what do I say?

When asked for your #: "I am married."
When asked to catch a drink or coffee: "I can't. I am meeting up with my husband later."

Basically, work your husband into the conversation as much as you can.

Perfect example: the other morning I was at Starbuck's and this man made a funny comment to me that made me laugh as we were sugaring/creaming our coffees. I laughed and he said "My wife always..." (relevant to what we talked about). This guy had the excellent approach on how to deal with people. I saw the ring on his finger and walked away thinking "His wife is a lucky woman." Another dude prob woulda tried to flirt if he was a skeevy a$$.

ScarletBegonias · 07-25-2012, 09:23 AM

this post made me chuckle.Networking is a must in my field.i watched the married gals with rings on flirting like mad with the men they're were "networking" with.it was sickening.
seems these days networking is just an excuse to act like a cheeky single gal with the men in the field.

There are ways to network and carry yourself in such a way that men will catch your signals and KNOW without a doubt that hitting on you is NOT an option.
It's the "married and happy vibe" that scares them off.