Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I feel suffocated by my husband.

70K views 44 replies 16 participants last post by  Fernrain 
#1 ·
My husband has worked at home the entire 10 1/2 years we have been married. We have two children, 7 and 9, who are on summer break right now. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was home alone. My husband is home all the time! Every day I feel like I'm sneaking away to different areas of our house to get away from him. He kind of follows me around. His office is on our second floor and he'll just randomly come downstairs all day long. I'm constantly being interrupted no matter what I'm doing. We've talked about it in marriage counseling but with him it's in one ear and out the other! And he gets so offended! If I'm crabby and irritable, he seems to hover even more! At least the kids kind of stay away, knowing Mommy needs some air. But not Daddy! He stares at me, tip toes around me and asks what's wrong. Honestly I feel like saying,
"You're smothering me! Go somewhere!"

He can always go - like to a coffee shop or whatever. All he needs is his laptop and cell phone. MY job IS the home! I can't clean my home and take care of my kids somewhere else! What I can do is leave by myself and go shopping or something but I don't always want to and I don't totally trust him to watch the kids! He goes up to his office and closes his door. He can't hear them or see them. That's not watching them.

He knows I feel like this but maybe not to this extent. We'll joke, "Going on a trip anytime soon, honey?" I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He's always going to work at home. I'm homeschooling my daughter now so I can't get a job outside the home. I've thought about suggesting to him that he rent a little office somewhere but I know he'll never fork out the money for that and he'll just get all offended and wounded.

I do love him, no doubt. He's my best friend, a wonderful husband and a great father. There are a lot of pros to having him at home, too. I just wish he wasn't home sooooo much!

Has anyone out there been in this situation? Does anyone have any kind, understanding advice? I would greatly appreciate it.
 
See less See more
#3 ·
I can totally relate to feeling like you need some space. I stay at home with our four kids, and my husband works outside the home though. But sometimes in the evenings I just want an hour to myself. During these times I don't want to talk, touch, or do anything with anyone else. I CRAVE time to myself, and honestly it's something I miss about my single years. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy spending time with my husband. I DO. But some people need some space to function (especially introverts) and recharge.

I think your husband needs to respect this. I would make sure you give him plenty of attention (sexually and emotionally) and simply tell him that sometimes you do need some space. He might feel a little hurt and rejected initially, but if you demonstrate by your words and actions that you DO also love to be around him, hopefully he will understand that you are not trying to reject him, but that you need space to function.
 
#5 ·
So you are a SAHM and he works from home? For 10.5 years?

:eek:

You are a saint as I would have eaten my husband by now, if he was a hovering husband like yours.

I love my husband too, but people need SPACE at times! I love my alone time and I love my time with him...but this would drive me over the edge.
 
#10 ·
Uh yea. This!

How is your house set up - it sounds like there needs to be a little more division with a little "his" and "hers" space. You've heard of a man cave, can you make yourself a woman cave somewhere?

Truthfully if this was my life, I would absolutely no problem shutting the bedroom door and hanging out in bed for an hour with the laptop and the TV just chilling by myself. I'd just tell everyone - see you in an hour, this is mommy time!

Also, I know your kids are a little older but DH and I have a big division of chores and caretaking duties that helps us to get some space. DH always handles the bathtime and bedtime routine with our two kids...which takes about an hour total. During that time I am left alone because he is occupying them. I always handle the chaotic come-home and cook dinner routine while watching them, so DH has about an hour to unwind as soon as he gets home from work. He generally prefers to spend his alone time tinkering around in the yard or in the basement so he is not anywhere near us.

I don't think you can ask someone like your husband for space, you've just gotta set it up so you can tell him that you are taking it.
 
#6 ·
Do you have a room of your own in the house, where you can lock the door and keep everyone out when you need an hour to yourself?

Can you send him out of the house WITH the children sometimes? Maybe he can take them to the park or something so you can squeeze in some time alone? Even taking them out to the back yard for an hour and playing with them could work.

I wouldn't be able to stand being smothered like that. I'd probably have a very candid conversation telling him honestly that I cannot function when I feel smothered. Tell him you're reaching nervous breakdown levels and need him to take you seriously.
 
#18 ·
Thank you! Yes, it is at the nervous breakdown point! Plus the guilt from sounding ungrateful for having a great husband. It's a DAILY struggle! I hate the constant and unpredictable interruptions! I want to lock HIM in his office and say, "Stay there until 5 oclock (like most normal marriages) when I NEED you!" Then I'll take my hour to myself. But to have him wandering around the house all day, every day trying to get my attention just drives me crazy! He's more emotionally needy and draining than the kids! Thank you for understanding and for your advice.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#7 ·
Yeah, my wife clings to me so tightly I feel like I'm trapped and cannot breath. I love her so much too so I put up with it. Otherwise, "you don't care"! Maddening stuff.

If someone has an answer I'd love to read it.

BTW: I've given up almost ALL hobbies, activities etc. Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her! Its bizarre and I have no anwer for it.
 
#19 ·
Omg. I am just baffled why a spouse would want to bother their husband/wife like that! :eek:

I LOVE being with my husband. LOVE his days off. LOVE when he home. But I can read him, and he can read me and we know when to chill or let the other chill.

I'm surprised you haven't gone off on your husband. I'd probably get mean (I get mean when I feel like people aren't listening to my needs) and say something like, 'WHY ARE YOU UP MY ASS ALL DAY!?'
 
#21 ·
It's sort of funny but I feel bad for you too. I used to be like that with my wife at the beginning when we were on better footing. I just loved her so damn much and being with her, even just shooting the sht and talking was fun. But now that Im a little older I realize that was crazy. A woman needs time to just breathe. Especially in her own home.
 
#37 ·
So since you've been there and on the other side of it - if I was your wife, how could I communicate these feelings to you effectively without hurting you? I just want my husband to leave me alone during the day when I'm busy around the house, with the kids, etc. without this attitude that he's had in the past like, "Oh that's right, I can't talk to you right now." Pouting, guilt trip.
 
#23 ·
I think i'm the odd one out here lol

I was married to a man who never spent any time with me.It was like living alone but married.
I'm VERY independent,have my own hobbies,have my own interests and so forth. However,my SO wants to do everything with me and I love that about him.

It isn't always a confidence or self esteem issue.I simply love spending as much time with him as possible.He embraced my hobbies and interests,I embraced his and now we do them together.

For the situation of OP though I think I'd get annoyed not about the fact that he wants to be around her but by the fact that it seems it isn't about her,it's about his boredom.

oh and the nap thing for the other poster,i think it's wrong to guilt another person into spending time w/you.It's rude and immature,it sucks your wife manipulates you like that.
 
#29 ·
How much time do you spend away from home and away from our child?

Plan outings with your child a few days a week.

Join a home school association. They have things that you and your child can do with other people, like field trips, classes give by other parents, etc.

Find a mother's day out program. This will give your child a chance to socialize with other children and you some time by your self. Many churches have programs like this. Then either plan something you want to do by yourself or with friends. Or go to a friend or relative's home and just spend some alone time.

You can significantly decrease the amount of time that you are available for him to bug you by you being out of the house.

Since your husband works at home he need to network with others in his field and with customers. So find events that allow for this and make him go... just tell him that he needs to network and be honest that you need some house time alone.
 
#30 ·
Since your husband works at home he need to network with others in his field and with customers. So find events that allow for this and make him go... just tell him that he needs to network and be honest that you need some house time alone.
This is an excellent idea. I work from home most of the time, but when I do go into the office or go to events, or for business travel, it has a refreshing effect and certainly helps strengthen business relationships.

He should be making some of his meetings in person instead of just on the phone or web conference.

I don't know if the OP is the one who should be looking for these networking events, though. But she can encourage him to find some.
 
#31 ·
I don't know if this will be able to help you at all, but I know that in a lot of larger cities (especially in the west) there are places to combat this very kind of situation. Since so many people are working off their laptops now, they can rent space in a cubicle farm to get away from the house, network with a wide variety of others, and provide an address and receptionist that can add an air of legitimacy to traditionalists.
 
#33 ·
I rented in a place like that for a few years. Instead of cubicals they rented out offices. There was a receptionist, a mail room, a break room. There were also conference rooms that a person could use x number of hours a week/month. It was very reasonably priced.
 
#34 ·
You both are spending ALOT of time together. Everyone knows that each other needs a little space and quiet time for themselves.
If you escape him you have the kids.
There is no room for you to breathe right now.
I think you need to take sometime and go out for a while by yourself, to a movie go eat somewhere read a book magazine. Anything that is solitude for you.
I dont see any problems with your marriage which is great!!!
Just lots and lots of time together.
I would like to say even that it bothers you, you are very fortunate to havea man that loves to be by yourside:)
 
#36 ·
So many good ideas and advice! Thank you everyone!
Now I've got to find out how to communicate
this stuff to him. He gets so wounded and then angry.
Ugh! I'd love it if got a cubicle thing! Do they cost much?
The cost depends on where you live. Do a google search on "rent office cubical space" and your city. See what comes up.
 
This post has been deleted
#41 ·
I don't think there is an easier way other than the honest truth..but talk to him from a loving place and not a resentful place.

Respect and love while you express your feelings to T him..I find that always works :).

Worse comes to worst, write him a letter!
Funny you should say that as I am reading the book, "Love and Respect" by
Emerson Eggerich. Unconditional respect just like unconditional love. I like the letter idea, too. Thank you for the tips.
 
#43 · (Edited)
I have the same situation...my husband was a truck driver and the a commercial pilot. He was gone anywhere from 4 days to two weeks at a time. Things worked great. Two years ago he got a great salaried job as a corporate pilot. He is almost semi-retired. Most weeks he is gone only a couple of days, but lately he's been home all week. He is very controlling. Wants me doing whatever he is doing or at least in the same room with him. A few years ago I would have just gone out to the barn and ridden my horses. The past couple of years my health has declined. I am fatigued, feel bad, and just want to be left alone. Sometimes I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. I love him and always considered him my best friend, but He is going to be the death of me!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top