I feel suffocated by my husband. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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I feel suffocated by my husband.

My husband has worked at home the entire 10 1/2 years we have been married. We have two children, 7 and 9, who are on summer break right now. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was home alone. My husband is home all the time! Every day I feel like I'm sneaking away to different areas of our house to get away from him. He kind of follows me around. His office is on our second floor and he'll just randomly come downstairs all day long. I'm constantly being interrupted no matter what I'm doing. We've talked about it in marriage counseling but with him it's in one ear and out the other! And he gets so offended! If I'm crabby and irritable, he seems to hover even more! At least the kids kind of stay away, knowing Mommy needs some air. But not Daddy! He stares at me, tip toes around me and asks what's wrong. Honestly I feel like saying,
"You're smothering me! Go somewhere!"

He can always go - like to a coffee shop or whatever. All he needs is his laptop and cell phone. MY job IS the home! I can't clean my home and take care of my kids somewhere else! What I can do is leave by myself and go shopping or something but I don't always want to and I don't totally trust him to watch the kids! He goes up to his office and closes his door. He can't hear them or see them. That's not watching them.

He knows I feel like this but maybe not to this extent. We'll joke, "Going on a trip anytime soon, honey?" I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He's always going to work at home. I'm homeschooling my daughter now so I can't get a job outside the home. I've thought about suggesting to him that he rent a little office somewhere but I know he'll never fork out the money for that and he'll just get all offended and wounded.

I do love him, no doubt. He's my best friend, a wonderful husband and a great father. There are a lot of pros to having him at home, too. I just wish he wasn't home sooooo much!

Has anyone out there been in this situation? Does anyone have any kind, understanding advice? I would greatly appreciate it.

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post #2 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 10:11 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

Doesn't he have hobbies to occupy some of his time? Man stuff, sports, watch races, something in the open air...
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post #3 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:13 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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Originally Posted by ohmaggiemae View Post
My husband has worked at home the entire 10 1/2 years we have been married. We have two children, 7 and 9, who are on summer break right now. I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was home alone. My husband is home all the time! Every day I feel like I'm sneaking away to different areas of our house to get away from him. He kind of follows me around. His office is on our second floor and he'll just randomly come downstairs all day long. I'm constantly being interrupted no matter what I'm doing. We've talked about it in marriage counseling but with him it's in one ear and out the other! And he gets so offended! If I'm crabby and irritable, he seems to hover even more! At least the kids kind of stay away, knowing Mommy needs some air. But not Daddy! He stares at me, tip toes around me and asks what's wrong. Honestly I feel like saying,
"You're smothering me! Go somewhere!"

He can always go - like to a coffee shop or whatever. All he needs is his laptop and cell phone. MY job IS the home! I can't clean my home and take care of my kids somewhere else! What I can do is leave by myself and go shopping or something but I don't always want to and I don't totally trust him to watch the kids! He goes up to his office and closes his door. He can't hear them or see them. That's not watching them.

He knows I feel like this but maybe not to this extent. We'll joke, "Going on a trip anytime soon, honey?" I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. He's always going to work at home. I'm homeschooling my daughter now so I can't get a job outside the home. I've thought about suggesting to him that he rent a little office somewhere but I know he'll never fork out the money for that and he'll just get all offended and wounded.

I do love him, no doubt. He's my best friend, a wonderful husband and a great father. There are a lot of pros to having him at home, too. I just wish he wasn't home sooooo much!

Has anyone out there been in this situation? Does anyone have any kind, understanding advice? I would greatly appreciate it.
I can totally relate to feeling like you need some space. I stay at home with our four kids, and my husband works outside the home though. But sometimes in the evenings I just want an hour to myself. During these times I don't want to talk, touch, or do anything with anyone else. I CRAVE time to myself, and honestly it's something I miss about my single years. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy spending time with my husband. I DO. But some people need some space to function (especially introverts) and recharge.

I think your husband needs to respect this. I would make sure you give him plenty of attention (sexually and emotionally) and simply tell him that sometimes you do need some space. He might feel a little hurt and rejected initially, but if you demonstrate by your words and actions that you DO also love to be around him, hopefully he will understand that you are not trying to reject him, but that you need space to function.
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post #4 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:20 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

Does he get plenty of attention from you or are you constantly running from him?

I say this because when my kids get clingy if I stop and give them focused attention and I mean REALLY focused they are then content to entertain themselves again.

Just a thought.
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post #5 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:23 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

So you are a SAHM and he works from home? For 10.5 years?



You are a saint as I would have eaten my husband by now, if he was a hovering husband like yours.

I love my husband too, but people need SPACE at times! I love my alone time and I love my time with him...but this would drive me over the edge.
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post #6 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:27 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

Do you have a room of your own in the house, where you can lock the door and keep everyone out when you need an hour to yourself?

Can you send him out of the house WITH the children sometimes? Maybe he can take them to the park or something so you can squeeze in some time alone? Even taking them out to the back yard for an hour and playing with them could work.

I wouldn't be able to stand being smothered like that. I'd probably have a very candid conversation telling him honestly that I cannot function when I feel smothered. Tell him you're reaching nervous breakdown levels and need him to take you seriously.
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post #7 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:31 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

Yeah, my wife clings to me so tightly I feel like I'm trapped and cannot breath. I love her so much too so I put up with it. Otherwise, "you don't care"! Maddening stuff.

If someone has an answer I'd love to read it.

BTW: I've given up almost ALL hobbies, activities etc. Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her! Its bizarre and I have no anwer for it.
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post #8 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:39 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her!.
Okay I have to ask. What happens if you just say NO?
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post #9 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:41 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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Okay I have to ask. What happens if you just say NO?
Well starts with...you ok? Whats wrong? You don't want to be around me? Escallates to tears, you don't love me and you will leave me wont you. Almost everytime. Like that with MOST things though.
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post #10 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:42 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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So you are a SAHM and he works from home? For 10.5 years?



You are a saint as I would have eaten my husband by now, if he was a hovering husband like yours.

I love my husband too, but people need SPACE at times! I love my alone time and I love my time with him...but this would drive me over the edge.
Uh yea. This!

How is your house set up - it sounds like there needs to be a little more division with a little "his" and "hers" space. You've heard of a man cave, can you make yourself a woman cave somewhere?

Truthfully if this was my life, I would absolutely no problem shutting the bedroom door and hanging out in bed for an hour with the laptop and the TV just chilling by myself. I'd just tell everyone - see you in an hour, this is mommy time!

Also, I know your kids are a little older but DH and I have a big division of chores and caretaking duties that helps us to get some space. DH always handles the bathtime and bedtime routine with our two kids...which takes about an hour total. During that time I am left alone because he is occupying them. I always handle the chaotic come-home and cook dinner routine while watching them, so DH has about an hour to unwind as soon as he gets home from work. He generally prefers to spend his alone time tinkering around in the yard or in the basement so he is not anywhere near us.

I don't think you can ask someone like your husband for space, you've just gotta set it up so you can tell him that you are taking it.

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post #11 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:45 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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Yeah, my wife clings to me so tightly I feel like I'm trapped and cannot breath. I love her so much too so I put up with it. Otherwise, "you don't care"! Maddening stuff.

If someone has an answer I'd love to read it.

BTW: I've given up almost ALL hobbies, activities etc. Heck, she takes a nap and wants me laying next to her! Its bizarre and I have no anwer for it.
She sounds insecure - maybe has abandonment issues?

You need to take your hobbies and activities back. You may be willing to indulge her now, but a lifetime of that will only create resentment and, frankly, boredom. You didn't marry her to be her security blanket.
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post #12 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:47 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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She sounds insecure - maybe has abandonment issues?

You need to take your hobbies and activities back. You may be willing to indulge her now, but a lifetime of that will only create resentment and, frankly, boredom. You didn't marry her to be her security blanket.
Yeah, you are probably right.
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post #13 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Does he get plenty of attention from you or are you constantly running from him?

I say this because when my kids get clingy if I stop and give them focused attention and I mean REALLY focused they are then content to entertain themselves again.

Just a thought.
Good point and so true about kids. I can try it. Thanks.
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post #14 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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post #15 of 45 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:54 AM
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Re: I feel suffocated by my husband.

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Well starts with...you ok? Whats wrong? You don't want to be around me? Escallates to tears, you don't love me and you will leave me wont you. Almost everytime. Like that with MOST things though.


Ughh...I hate that.

My ex, that was a confidence thing.
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