oceanbreeze

yesterday i talked to my father about getting marriage. most of my life my father has always let my family and me down.

now that i discuss that i want to get married to my beau of 7 years in 2.5 years, my father thinks that he can have a saying and enforces that i do not get married because he thinks that i am too young; by then i will be 24.

i am very happy with my fiance and always look forward to our wedding day. however, as my father talked the more i had doubts about listening to him because everytime i listen to him his "advice" always steers me in the wrong direction.

i will marry my fiance despite my father and i know he will not honor me during my wedding day. yet i dont mind because all these years this is what i've come to expect from him.

my question is why do i feel so bad? each time my dad talks to me about anything in general it makes me feel like crap.

last night he gave me his example of when he married to my mom. he married her after i was 7 months old, the first child and for many months thought whether or not he was ready to be a husband and a father. finally, when my mom was about to leave him to go back to her country germany, then my father begs my mom not to leave and decides to settle. but my mom is not interested, but decides to stay thinking that a child needs both parents.

so a lot of the times i dont listen to my dad because of the decisions he makes are very poor.

i guess i just figured why i feel bad. because the way i feel degraded and not counted in his eyes. and mostly that he discounted the most important thing to me and that is my fiance. i just needed to vent.

evenow

It's normal to want a good relationship with your parents. Good for you for not letting his poor decisions and negative attitude interfere in your future.

Perhaps you should use some stock phrases if he starts getting to you:

"That's nice dad, I've got it covered."
"Oh really? Hm. (Change topic)"
"I'm not interested in discussing this any further. I've made my decision." (Repeat as necessary)

draconis

A part of being an adult is making hard decisions. You are on your way. I would not put much stock into what your father says, someone will always say something isn't right.

As to why you feel bad, you have respect for your parents. That simple. But you need to seperate yourself from that and realize he is no longer the head of the family. You and your soon to be husband will be.

draconis

SageMother

Some parents are experts at manipulating their sons and daughters. It sounds like your dad might manipulate people as a rule.

As difficult as this might be, your need to deny him access to your life and the decisions you make is more important than any respect he thinks he's entitled to. The days where men tell women what to do with their lives are gone.

I think that your being aware of your feelings is your first step toward getting rid of the triggers. Celebrate this new found level of adulthood by excluding your father as you see fit and not discussing anything else with him.