Help!
Looking back, maybe we should not have gotten married. I got married last fall. We are both mid-thirties, this is first marriage for both of us. My husband is a very caring guy, a nice friend to have for anybody, and we have some very good conversations and quite a few good laughs. However, I would rather not have sex with him; and at this point I'm happier when we are doing separate activities. Let me point out that we didn't have good sex when we were dating either - right now, we are once a month or less. And it has not been good. Even the honeymoon sex was kind of lame.
Things about marriage that make me unhappy: I dislike having to account for myself and my spending. I dislike not having private space. I do not want to talk about sex or why it's not good or why we aren't having it. We each have income, we split the bills although I pay for my house and he pays for his house (we didn't sell his house - using it as rental property - I bought a house shortly before we got married for us to move into together - we picked that house together).
This all feels very surreal. I always thought that I was more decisive than this, that I would know whether I was marrying the right person. I cannot decide how much of this thought process to share with my H. I cannot decipher whether this marriage is entirely off course. We even did pre-marital counseling and went back to the counselor after H was laid off shortly after our wedding. We get along fairly well - but we're a lot like roommates - and, frankly, I prefer to live alone if that's the choice presented to me.
There's so many people on these forums with much bigger issues (finances, substance abuse, etc). I have to wonder if anyone will even notice this posting. But I just feel like I have no friends to tell this to, and I'm good friends with my mom, but I can't have this conversation with her until I have something to say other than "I'm not happy."
let's assume I wasn't ready for marriage at the time. I really don't want to hurt my H - I care about him and want him to be well. What can I do to get ready now, in the midst of it?
MarkTwain, my H is neither controlling nor a doormat. We're both stubborn, but both very consistently respectful of each other's feelings when we talk. There have been only a few occasions when we have slipped, and then we take responsibility for working on that.
It’s ok, don’t feel guilty about that. Don’t blame your self.
Maybe you don’t love him? Maybe he is not a guy for you? Maybe you are not ready yet for marriage?
Do you think it’s possible that you married him because you get panicked about your age?
Just think what do you want?
Thank you for your thoughts/opinions. It's painful, but helpful. I thought when we did our premarital counseling we learned to talk to each other about these issues, but I'm coming to realize that what we learned was to talk around issues and be very very nice to one another. Of course, that's not a bad thing, but I think what we didn't lear was how to incorporate the bad news into the "be kind to one another" mode of communication. I know that it's possible to do both.
Do you think I should seek counseling - separately? together? - first, before making a move?
I feel a bit like I'm in an arranged marriage, like I'm a stranger to myself and to him and he is equally a stranger to me.
Do you *want* to be married to this guy? I assume you got married because you love him... If you do want to be with him, but not in the way things are now, then yes, I say give counseling a try. I think I'd start with individual, for yourself first. Does he still want to be married to you? If he does, then I think you might want to spend some time looking at what you want and what your expectations were for marriage. Maybe expectations and reality didn't line up. I say give counseling a shot and see where things lead.
MarkTwain, my H is neither controlling nor a doormat. We're both stubborn, but both very consistently respectful of each other's feelings when we talk.
I'm surprised you said that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sequesi
I dislike having to account for myself and my spending. I dislike not having private space.
This seemed to hint at finding him controlling...
I must say, a man who is not incandescent after only six months of marriage and very little sex sounds like a doormat to me. I would not put up with that.
I read all the responses to you situation. I don't know how helpful I can be but I was in a similar situation many years ago.
I don't feel that getting married was the right choice. I feel that the two of you were comfortable with each other so comfortable that you may have mistaken it for intimacy. As my relationship progressed Mr. R became more of a best friend/roommate. I had the same problem with sex. We didn't vibe together that made it feel clumsy almost like your first time over and over again and not in a good way.
I know that splitting requires even much more work but like you said he kept the house know it's time for him to go back. I'm sure you too are thinking the same thing no one wants to be the first to say it. I'm thirty something and contemplating the big D and I'm okay with that. Be comfortable with yourself and know that there is someone out there that is perfect for us. If not well lets have fun finding out.
6 months married; miserable
Re: 6 months married; miserable
