Manzano

Posted this in the General Relationship Forum, but maybe it should go here as I'm really looking for a female perspective.

long time lurker - first time poster.

Divorced early this year. New to the dating thing and I am looking for some advice.

Started casually dating a new woman 6 weeks ago. We go on dates one or two times a week. We have moderate phone conversations (phone is used to set up dates mostly). We are not exclusive.

Things seem to be going well. Had a great date last Sunday. She calls me Monday telling me she has the day off Friday and if I want to hang out. We make plans for Friday.

In the meantime, we go out Tuesday after having some fun texting and conversation during the work day. But the date is boring.

Friday we hang out during the day at a pool/club. Head back to my house before going out to dinner. We take a nap together (at her insistence and she is in her thong and a t-shirt). Get up, she takes a bath leaves the door open. I kiss her while she is in the tub.

We go out for dinner have a good time. Come back to my place watch a movie - she feeds me dessert. We talk about sex a bit, she says she wants to wait. I say that's fine as I really feel something for her and think it's good to wait. We go to bed.

Next morning, we are up early. We cuddle and kiss. She ends up giving me a b*** ***. I have difficulty getting fully aroused (nervous/performance anxiety idk). Which is embarrassing as all get out. We end in a kind of mutual mastur***ion scenario.

I'm a little overwhelmed by all this (first post divorce intimate encounter). We clean ourselves up and I say let's get ready and go for breakfast.

She is kinda distant at breakfast. I suggest a day trip to a quant town in a couple of weeks - she is not really responsive (has a whatever look on her face). I don't think too much of it though.

I take her home (this is like 8:30am on a Saturday). Say I will call her later in the day to touch base as she leaves my car. I don't call. I call her midday on Sunday - don't leave a message.

She texted me about hour and a half later saying "I saw you called" what's up. I didn't see the text until that evening b/c I didn't have my phone with me. (I was out with friends and did not want to be checking my phone every 10 minutes wondering if she had called so I left my phone in the car).

I called her that evening (about 7 hours later) to touch base and ask her out again. The convo is "terse" (she is not making an effort to talk) and she says she is busy the night i suggest going to a foreign film. She ends the conversation.

I call back about 30 minutes later - wanting to say something like "hey what's wrong. I know I kind of rushed you out of here, but I was a little overwhelmed, embarrassed etc." She did not pick up.

The question is, should I just chalk this up to experience and forget about her. I don't want to pursue someone that' s not interested in me. It has only been 6 weeks and we are not exclusive.

Should I call her again for another date after a few days or send flowers to her work? I like this girl well enough. I enjoy spending time with her and would be happy if this continued to progress. I don't want to be creepy. I feel like a kind of brought this on myself a bit, though.

I'm thinking I wasn't aggressive enough when she took a bath at my house or when we took a nap (maybe she thinks I'm not attracted to her). Having some issues during an intimate moment didn't help. Rushing her out and then not calling her in retrospect wasn't the best either. I wasn't trying to send a message of disinterest or play games, I was really just processing things - I did call her the very next day after all.

I'm leaning towards not calling her again, but this is more to avoid feeling rejected and is a bit of a cop out.

The advice on this site is good and I thank you in advance for any feedback.

C123

I'm a guy, and I just don't know why you would want to start a relationship with a woman who acts like this right out of the gate. Given the way she's been acting, she'll get in touch with you if she wants to see you again. I wouldn't do anything and if she did call, I'd sit her down and tell her I'm not going to play games and if she has something on her mind, she better tell me because I can't read minds either.

Obviously you got divorced for a reason. Don't get into another relationship right away where there are warning signs this early. I'm sure some of the other women will post on here with better advice.

Good Luck.

Dr. Rockstar

Okay, let me see if I have this straight:

• You're divorced and still a little nervous
• You're going out with this woman for a couple of weeks.
• You hadn't had sex with another woman since you and your wife split.
• While she wants to wait for sex, but she wants you to sleep with her and is willing to give you a hummer and mutually masturbate in front of each other.
• Immediately afterwards you rush out to lunch.
• You drop her off and say you'll call her in an hour or so.
• You don't call until a day and a half later.
• You call back the next afternoon but don't leave a message.
• Not long after you go out with your friends for the day, so you don't have your phone with you when she texts you back soon after.
• You call back much later in the evening.
• She's noticeably not happy. You don't seem to understand why she's upset.
• She says she's busy that night. You ask her out to a movie, and she hangs up the phone.
• You call her back, and she doesn't pick up.

Is that all correct?

If it is, you need to apologize, and you need to do it now.

From her viewpoint, there's this guy that she really likes. She says that she wants to wait before sex, then essentially does it anyway. After what I'm guessing is a very awkward breakfast, this guy hurries her home, promises to call, doesn't until a day later, and when she texts him again he doesn't call back until that evening because he was having fun with his friends. She tells the guy that she's busy (which is code for "I don't want to see you right now") he asks her out for a date on another day.

Yeah, I can see why she'd be upset. Unless you told her that this was your first time with another woman since your wife and that you were nervous about it, she has no idea why you acted the way you did. All she knows is that she gave this dude a hummer and he rushed her home, didn't call, didn't respond after she texted him, and then didn't understand why she was upset.

I'm assuming that you're not THAT interested her or else you'd instinctively know what to do because you want her back. It certainly seems like you're not that interested.

If you do want another chance with this woman, the first thing to do is call, explain what happened from your viewpoint, including you're nervousness that morning, and beg her forgiveness. If you're not willing to do that, then don't bother sending her flowers.

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WorkingOnMe

Um, taking a nap with you in a thong and t-shirt? Ya, she wanted you to initiate sex.

Then taking a bath with you in the room? That was her escalating because you didn't take the hint with the nap.

Her saying she didn't want to have sex? She said that because you didn't close the deal with the nap and the bath and she felt like a fool.

So, after all that she somehow collects her ego and initiates again. This time actually going so far as to give you a bj. But rather than taking the hint once again, you have performance anxiety and can't keep it up.

Can you see how she must feel totally rejected? And after all of this, you blow her off by not being in touch, not calling when you say you will etc....

If she were the one posting I'd bet the responses she would get would be along the lines of "lose his number" and "he's just not that into you".

Jellybeans

No.

Do not call her again. Let her call you. She was short with you on the phone, then you called her back and she didn't pick up.

Do not call/text her and especially DO NOT send her flowers.

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She wanted you to do her bro... just sayin...

heartsdelight

I say send out flowers with a note, "Sorry things were awkward, can we try again?" or something like that. An apology for what is obviously miscommunication on both sides, and shows you are interested in her, then leaves the ball in her court. If she initiates contact definitely talk through what happened to change the mood so that it doesn't happen again/to ensure she's not super moody/crazy. If she doesn't, well then you know and don't have to play the what if game.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I'm a woman, and I can tell you clearly that she feels disempowered because her power base appears to be a sexual one, and you aren't acting according to the script that will get you to be exclusive with her. So she's acting all pissy. Don't give it another thought. Clearly she stepped over the lines of agreed upon boundaries using, surprise surprise, a sexual act. She needs to give herself more than sex as a power base, and until she does she will continue this sort of unbalanced relational style. Find someone who plays fairly and doesn't do things like what she did. Then you won't have to deal with their reaction to your normal response, which was to restore balance to the situation by removing yourselves to a neutral and safe yet intimate environment, including signalling clearly to her that you wanted to be with her in two weeks, which, honestly, would be something that I in particular would have picked up on, and held closer to my heart than being turned into someone who only had sex appeal (not that it's a bad thing...) and apparently had it rejected. I think she probably feels you should be grateful for what you experienced and do anything you could in order to take it further. It's a fitness test, one you shouldn't pass, you don't want to move on to the next obstacle, trust me. A woman like that will deliberately get herself pregnant, or advertise the relationship before you are ready to have anything made public. Forcing the hand in so many ways. Spoiled brat behavior, manipulative at best. Hopefully this sheds some light on some of the unsavory practices deployed by women. If only we could all find inner knowledge and rise above our upbringing or circumstances or whatever. She was trying to get you to be exclusive before you were ready to be exclusive. Not honoring one's partner means you are not ready to be that person's partner. You look out for someone's well being, you don't try to make decisions for them by using something so sacred as a sex act.

C3156

Gotta throw the BS flag. Human interaction is a learned behavior, what a load of crap to say that he "should know what to do". I would agree he showed disinterest but the rest...

I agree totally with this statement. You all had been going out for 6 weeks and she was giving you a green light to proceed but she had to protect her ego with the "wait to have sex" discussion. You hurried her out the door and waited to long to get back in touch with her after the fact.

If you like this woman, own your behavior and call her and explain what happened. We all have a bad day. Make sure to leave a message if she does not pick up. If she is not willing to give it another shot, then it just was not meant to be.

For what? Being nervious about something he was not expecting? Having performance anxiety?

I would apologize for not getting back to her in a timely fashion, that was poor judgement on his part. But begging forgiveness because she threw herself at him?

AFEH

You post about dating her, casual date making phone calls …. and sex. Can you see what’s missing here?



Where are your common interests, do you share any passions? If you were to get into a long term relationship, what is the glue that would bind and bond you together? Do you have reasonably similar value systems? What do you both think about religion, politics, saving, investments, where to live, dreams and long term plans etc. etc. etc.


After a failed marriage, I think this time round you need to get into fitness testing. Write down what you love and desire in your life, where your passions lay and what your ambitions, dreams and desires are. Find out about your value and belief system and write it all down.

And then when you date ask her about her value system, her ambitions, dreams and desires. These are your fitness tests on her, in that does she fit in the lifestyle you like and is she compatible with your values and beliefs.


To get into such “childish” mind game behaviour within just six weeks of dating is a bit much, don’t you think? Most especially after a failed marriage. You sound like you’re a couple of teenagers!

kindi

The responses are so different on this thread. Everything from "apologize because you screwed up" to "don't call her because she's got an attitude and is playing games".

I'll take the middle of the road and say the following:

1- As far as the performance anxiety goes, same thing happened to me when I first started dating after the demise of my marriage. I had problems all through the first 2 relationships, and the last 3 have been smooth sailing. I attribute it to getting involved too fast, and still being in the midst of a legal battle and healing from my failed marriage, but performance anxiety can really get in your head if you start thinking about it so learn not to take it so seriously and realize it's temporary.

2- Tell her that you really like her and you were somewhat embarassed by the problems, and it's not usually an issue for you but she's the first since your marriage. Make sure she knows it's not about her, some women will think you're not attracted to them if you can't get it up. Make sure she understands that you not getting back to her right away was because you didn't have your phone, and clear up any other possible misconceptions she may have.

3- If she's still cold to you then don't push it and pester her, but don't just dump her either. Touch base a few times over the next week or two, try to set up another date and if you're not getting anywhere then you might have to chalk this one off.

MaritimeGuy

My suggestion is to play it cool. If you come across as needy you'll drive her away. If she's not interested in you than you've already lost her.

If you are interested in her let her know you are up for going out again and leave the ball in her court. Whether or not she takes you up on it will let you know where you stand.

Coffee Amore

I think he misread some important nonverbal clues this woman was throwing out. And then not calling back in a timely way was also a blunder.

AFEH

That sort of behaviour puts you way down the pecking order and makes you look weak and sexually unattractive to a woman.


When in the wrong, strong and sexually attractive men apologise sincerely. They leave it for the woman to forgive them or not and the wise man knows what to do if her forgiveness is not forthcoming.

Matt1720

agree, just play the clueless idiot. let her call you if she wants to date again, if not, lesson learned/new experience.

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