SWconfused

My husband and I have been married for three years and together for 7 years. the last few years we have been fighting over some of the dumbest things. The fights have escalated into him yelling at me, degrading me, telling me he is done with me and calling me names. i was always the one that started the forgiving process to get over our fight. the last 6 i have been distancing myself to the point that our last fight, he told me he was done with me and i agreed. i was done trying to make it work and trying to get us help. after a month he finally got the message that i was done with our relationship. Now he is trying to get help and i am the one who is not wanting it. my feelings have been hurt and i was pushed away for so long that now i dont think i have feelings for him. i dont know what to do. im going to therapy with him, but i think it is too late. now my husband thinks i am awful for not wanting to work things out. Am i awful for feeling that i am done and dont want to keep going? im trying, but its not working? anybody else go through this?

cloudwithleggs

do yourself a favour and stay done.

LastUnicorn

years of verbal abuse isn't a good basis. Could he change? Could you change? Maybe, but not without a lot of work on both your parts. I'm sure there is much more background that you didn't get into.

Its hard to love someone you don't respect, and who doesn't respect you. Sometimes people don't 'get it' that they need to make changes in the way they treat others until they face the knowledge that they are going to lose them. If you give in now you are just reinforcing again that you will be the one to accept his bad behavior, he doesn't really have to change after all. Its hard core but might be in both your best interest for you to stick to your guns with a clear show me attitude.

Take a good hard look at yourself as well. Good luck!

wiigirl

This....


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Advocado

Given what you have described, it is understandable that you feel like throwing in the towel so at this point, pulling together/working (and it is work) with your husband and counsellor is not going to be easy. I had somewhat similar issues with nearly always having to be the one to initiate getting back on track when my spouse repeatedly gave me the silent treatment.

Sounds like your husband is the “never know what you’ve got till it’s gone” type of personality. Now that your H has finally had his wake up call, he needs to stay awake so to speak. I can well understand you wanting to give up, but if deep down you love your husband, I would say give the counselling a bit more time before you finally make your mind up to call it quits. If he is ready to stay awake, you can both learn from the past and make a life together.

If you eventually decide to stay together and work things out, make sure he is crystal clear that you are not prepared to be the only one who initiates trying to resolve things. He needs to be aware of this as, for sure, petty issues will still arise in your relationship. They just need to be handled differently. Last but not least, he needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, that you will not tolerate his verbal abuse either.

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Advocado

no more silent treatment for me
How to cope with Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships. Part 1: