Tips on how to be a better wife.
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation Tips on how to be a better wife.



I'm starting to become very aggressive with my husband and I'm becoming a bully, a monster! I can't be treating the love of my life like this because he will leave me and I'm very afraid of that.

I need tips on how to control my anger when he ignores me to play video games. What do I do when I want to go shopping and he doesn't want to? I care about him but I'm tired of hitting him or making him mad on purpose just to get revenge for not getting things my way.

I'm being very very immature and I don't like who I'm becoming. Today we had a fight and I'm really getting disgusted with myself and pissy spoiled bratty attitude.

How can I be more understanding and still have things under-control? Be a better wife that doesn't get so angry over small irrelevant things?

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Old 08-06-2012, 05:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

Wow...would you want to come home to a bully/monster husband? I wouldn't.
I don't blame you for worrying he might leave.

Great that you can see your unacceptable/unloving behavior though...i'm sure that's the first step to being able to deal with it.

Are you angry with everyone or just H?

Is he a bit of a push over? What does he say/do when your rude/mean?

They say that often anger hides a fear... what are you scared of?
Scared he doesn't want to spend time with you? That he doesn't love you enough?? Or???

Can you compromise on his computer use and him coming shopping? (why does he have to come with you?)

Whatever causes your outbursts/meaness must stop though or it will kill the love between you and your H.

The decision to be kind or cruel is a choice though...isn't it?
You probably wouldn't speak rudely to your boss or bank manager... you choose to be like this when you know you can get away with it... you can choose to not be this way.

There are loads of books and online material for anger management... why not read up and try new ways of communicating your feelings. If that doesn't work i'd suggest a counsellor who specialises in anger management.

I'm sure your Husband will be more than happy to help you work through this... especially if you tell him of your fears.

PS: Stop hitting him.. today. Never hit him again. Totally unacceptable behaviour!
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Old 08-06-2012, 05:28 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

You have a start... by admitting to yourself that you have flaws. Ask your husband for help. Tell him that you want to be held accountable for your behavior. It seems that he is ignoring it for a bit, and later it produces a fight. And on your end, you will need to find a way to release your anger. Could be slow deep breathing, going for a jog, listening to music... etc. Once you have cooled down, then you can talk and discuss the situation. High emotions and discussions don't go to well together... High emotions and fights do go together, though.

(Personally I count... I'll count til 5 and repeat until I am able to control the tone of my voice)
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

OK, not trying to be cruel.

The behaviors you are acting out on are caused by the way you are responding.

He plays video games.

You get mad.

He doesn't want to deal with mad, so he plays more video games.

You get more mad.

You are trapped in a cycle. You need to break it.

First, find an outlet for aggression. Gym, softball, dance, whatever. Burn that energy out at the same time you give him some room and a reset of his own.

Second, go talk to somebody. Once it's physical, your opening a very dark future. One call to the law and your entire life will change for the worse.

Third, accept that there has been damage done and the will need to be a repair time. Every positive action counts as a +1. Every negative action counts as a -10.

Fourth, be honest with yourself. It is time to evaluate if this person is really the one you want to be with. If not, its time for a change. If yes, its time for a change. Either way, you know its time for a change.

Learn to walk away.

Learn to shut it down.

Learn to not say anything.

Good luck.
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Old 08-06-2012, 10:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

It's a brave 1st step --openly admitting you have a true problem & you need help , that these behaviors can destroy your marriage.... Anger needs adequately delt with if we want to walk in happiness & Joy.

And now to have the WILL to turn this around... it will take mental discipline ....and some discovery on your part understanding where this ANGER is coming from , it's roots....and a game plan on how to effectively begin the process to deal and resolve..... Also in honestly & calmly communicating your needs to your husband, so you can gain a better intimacy.... if things need mending, resentments put to rest, forgiveness given, this is all part of the process.

When I was younger, I had some ANGER issues...I didn't beat anyone up, but I was sarcastic and mouthy when I was upset. I also know I have a "hard" temperment... as I would bet you do also... It may help you to learn a little about yourself in learning your temperment profile....Realize each has it's "gifts" ...but also it's pathetic weaknesses... to discover that you can walk in the good and slowly overcome the BAD would be very beneficial.

I did a thread on temperments with various tests with links.... in case you want to further look into that...could have your husband take them as well... and read about what you both are..... just one small step in learning more about yourself...and why we act the way we do... plus unresolved hurts in our past & present contributing to our anger today.

Learning our Temperments & that of our Spouses to better understand them..


I would also buy a book or 2 to help you with these things... Some suggestions from Amazon :

138 5 star reviews ***** The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships : Books

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way: Gary D. Chapman: Books

The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life - Books

The Gift of Anger: Seven Steps to Uncover the Meaning of Anger and Gain Awareness, - Books

Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger : Books

Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control : Books

Last edited by SimplyAmorous; 08-06-2012 at 10:19 PM.
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Old 08-06-2012, 10:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

My wife is a bad wife because she's a messed up human being. She'd have to fix herself before she even see's there's an us to fix. If you're a bad spouse it's because your wiring is bad inside. Fix that. Since your bad wiring isn't 100% directly related to your bad marriage, you're not going to fix either one focusing solely on your marriage. You have to understand what makes you the problem in your own life. Then you can work on your relationships. This is why I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling - it assumes both people are nominally mentally healthy otherwise. And that's nonsense. People don't have bad marriages because they married the wrong person. They married the wrong person because they're screwed up inside. That's what causes bad marriages.
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Old 08-07-2012, 10:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

get a hobby or two. I have several and I have a great time. DH likes to golf and he's off doing that a couple of days a week. I don't mind because I have things that I like to do, too, that don't involve him.
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Old 08-07-2012, 12:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

its incredable how many men seem to play video games. Really its sad ...you only have so much time on earth and to waste it on play video game seems so crazy to me.
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Old 08-07-2012, 01:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

its incredable how many men seem to play video games. Really its sad ...you only have so much time on earth and to waste it on play video game seems so crazy to me.
yeah, i dont play them at all, i post on forums all day
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Old 08-07-2012, 04:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
My wife is a bad wife because she's a messed up human being. She'd have to fix herself before she even see's there's an us to fix. If you're a bad spouse it's because your wiring is bad inside. Fix that. Since your bad wiring isn't 100% directly related to your bad marriage, you're not going to fix either one focusing solely on your marriage. You have to understand what makes you the problem in your own life. Then you can work on your relationships. This is why I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling - it assumes both people are nominally mentally healthy otherwise. And that's nonsense. People don't have bad marriages because they married the wrong person. They married the wrong person because they're screwed up inside. That's what causes bad marriages.
I've noticed a couple times some say a marraige counselor is reluctant to ever suggest a patient needs Mental help -to suggest Narcissism or BorderLine personality disorder or something... but I guess that is not their place or expertise , so their lips must remain sealed.

I've read a couple books on the brain & dealing with our relationships....the underlying point the auther kept hitting home was ... until these roots of a spouse's wrong thinking (faulty wiring ) is conquered ...whether it be through meds or intensive individual therapy.....lasting change simply will not come.

It would be like a chasing after the wind.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mina View Post
get a hobby or two. I have several and I have a great time. DH likes to golf and he's off doing that a couple of days a week. I don't mind because I have things that I like to do, too, that don't involve him.
I really second this idea. I think a hobby with something that really sparks your interests would really help!

My own newest hobby is raising chickens. It's very therapeutic and I went as far as buying an incubator to hatch and sell my own chicks. It's been amazing and has helped me stay out of a depression.

Find something that will keep you really busy and focused on whatever it is you liked.

I do understand that your husband needs space, but too much space is unfair. I have a feeling he's escaping from you through his video games. Calming your attitude will definitely benefit your marriage. Meditation helps too, that's if you can find peaceful moments. Also, hitting is never acceptable. You can go to jail over this. Good luck!
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Old 08-08-2012, 09:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ilovedyouforever View Post


I'm starting to become very aggressive with my husband and I'm becoming a bully, a monster! I can't be treating the love of my life like this because he will leave me and I'm very afraid of that.

I need tips on how to control my anger when he ignores me to play video games. What do I do when I want to go shopping and he doesn't want to? I care about him but I'm tired of hitting him or making him mad on purpose just to get revenge for not getting things my way.

I'm being very very immature and I don't like who I'm becoming. Today we had a fight and I'm really getting disgusted with myself and pissy spoiled bratty attitude.

How can I be more understanding and still have things under-control? Be a better wife that doesn't get so angry over small irrelevant things?

Very well done for not only recognising and owning your side of the dysfunctional dynamics in your marriage, but also for wanting to do something about them and asking for help.

Two recommendations for you. Number one is Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books. You are already aware of your “self”, the book will help you become more aware and over time just by observing yourself you will begin to change for the better.

Secondly learn about personal boundaries, I can tell you that yours are not up to much (don’t worry, a lot of us have been there) and you have great room for improvement. So Google personal boundaries and look for some books.

You’ve a massive opportunity for personal growth. It is a journey and you sure have taken the first few steps on the path to a healthier and happier marriage.
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
My wife is a bad wife because she's a messed up human being. She'd have to fix herself before she even see's there's an us to fix. If you're a bad spouse it's because your wiring is bad inside. Fix that. Since your bad wiring isn't 100% directly related to your bad marriage, you're not going to fix either one focusing solely on your marriage. You have to understand what makes you the problem in your own life. Then you can work on your relationships. This is why I'm not a huge fan of marriage counseling - it assumes both people are nominally mentally healthy otherwise. And that's nonsense. People don't have bad marriages because they married the wrong person. They married the wrong person because they're screwed up inside. That's what causes bad marriages.
But how would you feel and what would you think if your wife did as the OP did and posted about her personality issues and asked for help?


OP is showing what is relatively amazing insight into her problems. As you well know that is not exactly something those with a PD are known for. And again as you well know the recognition of a persons own flaws in their character is the absolutely required prerequisite to any changes and improvements.

Surely you would be dancing for joy if the OP were your wife and making a similar post?

Last edited by AFEH; 08-09-2012 at 03:42 AM.
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I also came here to learn how to become a better wife to my husband. Reading others posts from the people here on TAM have really helped. Especially learning the mans mind and how it works. Their thinking is different from ours. You've gotten great advice and I wish you luck.
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Old 08-08-2012, 10:32 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Tips on how to be a better wife.

Something I would like for you to do, is go to your doctor for a full blood workup. There is quite possibly an underlying physical issue in play here. If your body has an imbalance, there is no way you will keep your emotions in check.
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