My boyfriend proposed to me on the fourth of July. I want to marry him, but there are a few issues that are nagging me that I would just like some insight on.
First, he drives three to for times a week to spend the night with me (not yet living together). He lives 45 minutes away. That is the ONLY sacrifice it seems he's willing to make. He has told me he won't move very far, and I have a son from a previous relationship, and I don't think its fair to rip him away from everything he knows without really considering our options. He also has said we are going to live in the woods but I want to live on the beach. Its been my dream forever. He says he won't do it. He also says were getting married in vegas. Not exactly my idea if a dream wedding. Call me crazy, but I've always wanted a nice (not huge or overly extravagant, just nice) wedding. A day I can share with my husband and my friends and family. My son has asked if he could be the best man. He is so exited that I'm getting married, I don't have the heart to tell him that if it goes the way my fiancee wants, he probably won't even be there.
I know this doesn't sound huge, but these things have been bothering me. I feel like its all one sided. I don't doubt that he loves me, I just think marriage should be about us as a family, not as individuals.
So - what are the things that your fiancee does that give you the idea that he loves you? How long have you two been together? Is your son's father still involved?
As - what you say above paints a kind of bleak picture of a man unwilling to allow you any of your dreams, including the ones about your wedding. What exactly happens when you express your desires, he simply refuses to listen? He states no this is what will happen?
Are there any reasons he might want a more private affair for the wedding? Does he have trouble with his family, few friends? Might it be embarrassing that you have more people to invite? Is it a financial concern?
Why would he not want your son present at your wedding? That's a red flag to me about what he'll feel about his involvement in your life later. How does he generally act around/towards him?
If he's not willing to move less than an hour away to keep your son in school where he's familiar, that's also a huge flag. Does he have a very high paying job where he's at now? He's willing to drive 45 minutes to get sex (I'm assuming) but not to allow his future stepson to have consistency?
If these things are so much more important to you (not just the wedding stuff,... I'm talking the life style, where to live, putting son's needs first for consideration... etc)
If these things are so much more important to you, than important to your fiance... Maybe it is time to put thoughts & plans of wedding on hold. Just be engaged for a while & see if this relationship is really gonna work out??
He actually makes more money and has more friends/family around than I do. He interacts well at times with my son, other times it seems almost like he couldn't care less. He didn't actually say he didn't want my son at the wedding, but he was quick to try to plan it around the time my son would be in disney with my sister.
I kind of feel like maybe I'm being selfish, but as far as my son is concerned, he has been through a lot (alcoholic, abusive father, wich is why I left, and he no longer is involved) and I feel he needs as much consistency as possible.
“He interacts well at times with my son, other times it seems almost like he couldn't care less.”
Your son has to be your number one priority. If you marry a man who does not understand the need for your son to be a high priority in your life, your son will feel like he lost his mother. You might as well just give your son to his dad and walk away. It sounds harsh but it’s true. There are many people who advise to not remarry until children are 18 and can live on their own because of this.
Your bf does not replace your son’s father, but he does need to treat your son well. Just as your son needs to respect any man you might marry. But this does not sound good at all.
On the topic of your son being the best man… he should only be the best man if your bf wants him to be the best man. The groom picks the best man. Your son could be your ring bearer, he could give you away, there are other things he could do. But letting him think that he can name himself the best man is not a good idea. Just tell your son that the best man should be your bf’s best friend. That your son should represent you, not your bf.
The other things you mention, deciding where you will live, the place and date of your marriage, these should be joint decisions. It’s not that in and of themselves the wedding details are all that important… it’s that he’s dictating and not paying attention to what you have to say. The two of you do not seem to communicate well. You do not negotiate well. Do not marry until you have solved this. Search for “Marriage Builders policy of joint agreement”. Until the two of you can agree on these details there should be no marriage.
Why does he want to live in the forest? Do you feel that you will be too isolated if you do this?
Does he feel that since he earns more than you he automatically gets more say in things?
Maybe the way to settle the wedding issue is to go to Vegas for the wedding & honeymoon. Then come back to a reception that you plan.
I've known people who did this. Is was a great way to avoid all the hassle of a big wedding but still enjoy the celebration with friends and family. That way he gets his romantic Vega elopement and you get the big party. You can even have different dresses, etc for each occassion.
The invitations would read something like
On August 11, 2012 Joe and Sally Johnson eloped to Las Vegas and tied the knot.
You are invited to a reception and dinner to celebrate their marriage:
Just to clarify, I did tell my son that was my bf's decision. He doesn't want to be ring bearer because he ferris its not important enough. I figure he could give me away with my father so he could feel more important in the wedding. I agree that the issues in and of themselves arent huge deal breakers, its the principal behind it all. I am glad you mentioned earlier about why my son can't be in the wedding. I never even thought of it that way. I guess I'm getting answers I may not have wanted but really needed.
You really need to take a step back and think. Do I want to be told what to do the rest of my life or would I like to be part of the decision making in my family? If your fiancee is already telling you instead of discussing things with you, it will only get worse when you are married.
From a certain perspective there are two things in marriage, compromise and sacrifice.
Compromise is fine. Compromise is about give and take, negotiating for a win/win outcome where both partners feel happy and comfortable.
Sacrifice is something exceedingly different. Sacrifice is You Lose/I Win. Whereas when one sacrifices, you both end up losing. A person who sacrifices things going into a marriage will go into the marriage a resentful person. Resentment is something that typically builds up within a marriage over the years and can if not dealt with kill the marriage.
But you, your husband and your eight year old son will all be going into the marriage as resentful people. Resentful people want their own back, they want their revenge so all three of you will be persecuting and punishing each other because you sacrificed and didn’t get what you want.