Hi all, I'm new here and have a few questions that I'd like answered from a womans point of view.
First, my story.. My name is Jerry, I'm almost 40 years old and been married for about 3 years to the most beautiful woman in the world (I consider myself very lucky!). Anyway, we have a few issues that I'd like to solve, so I figured I'd come here for help.
Issue #1: Because of my past, my wife thinks I'm interested in viewing porn, which is not the case at all. In my past, I have viewed movies that contained nudity. I did not view them BECAUSE they had nudity in them, but if the movies were about something I liked, I didn't let the nudity stop me from viewing them. Before I met my wife, I was also the kind of guy who would cut up with friends about this female or that female being hot, mostly just to fit in with my friends who thought drooling over females was just the macho thing to do. So yes, I'm guilty of viewing nudity or partial nudity in my past and my wife knows it, but I have never been a porn addict or anything like that. To be honest, I never really thought much about it. It wasn't until I met my wife that I began to understand that it was wrong and immoral to view nudity. She explained it to me in a way that made alot of sense. She said that men would feel extremely hurt and pissed off if roles were reversed and women watched and even drooled over naked men in movies. Not only would it cause insecurities, but it is just morally wrong and goes against everything marriage is about. Anyway, after my wife opened my eyes about the lack of morality in viewing nudity, I am probably more against it now than she is. Only problem is, she doesn't believe me. She still thinks I have some secrete desire to view porn or nudity when I'm away from her, and I don't! The ONLY person I desire to be with sexually is my wife! I love her very much and am extremely attracted to her (when I think sexual thoughts, its always about her and nobody else), yet she doesn't believe me when I tell her this because of my lack of morals in my past. In my eyes, my wife is the sexiest person on this planet! But I can't get her to believe me no matter what. I sometimes wish she could just see what I'm thinking and she would understand how I feel about her.
Issue #2: Why do some women over-analyze? I mean, my wife analyzes every move I make and everything I say.. And she somehow gets it wrong 90% of the time. This is kind of hard to explain but I can say or do the most simple things and she will analyze it in her head and the next thing you know she has the idea that I meant something completely different and it turns into a big argument. And the worst part is once she has it figured out in her head, there's no changing her mind! Sometimes I sit back and listen to her analyzation of me, and the whole time I'm thinking WTF? How did she come to that conclusion? And most of the time I wasn't even thinking what she analyzed. We get into countless arguments due to her reading too far into the things I say or do, and coming up with her own meaning which isn't even what I was thinking in the first place.
Issue #3: We get into some major arguments... and to me, they always feel sort of one sided. She doesn't listen to my side of the story, and we just end up getting mad at each other and staying that way because it never gets worked out. I have suggested marriage counseling but she doesn't want to go. Says she doesn't want to discuss our problems with complete strangers. I think counseling is a great idea, because it means I will have a mediator who will listen to both sides of the story. Anyway, since she refuses counseling.. Can any of you suggest anything else?
I have a few more things that I have questions about, but I'll post them later.
It does sound as though you've got trouble looming on the horizon. I applaud you for recognizing these warning signs and wanting to resolve these issues now rather than later. I believe your wife is insecure. Has she been married before? And perhaps had issues where porn was involved in that relationship? Sorry she won't agree to counseling; I feel that would be the best approach at this point. However, you can go to individual counseling. It may surprise you at how much you can accomplish at counseling (even alone).
I agree: go to counseling on your own. Your wife really needs to learn a few things about communicating, and she needs help with her thinking patterns, but you cannot "force" her to learn. You can, however, model more appropriate behavior and "talk it through" in front of her. For example, you could mention how someone at work did something, and your first reaction was to interpret it in such-and-such a way (taking it personally, thinking it was meant to insult you, etc), but then say how you "stepped back" from the situation and realized this person's behavior probably had nothing to do with you, etc., etc. You will learn a lot more about communication and thinking patterns by reading as well as getting some one-on-one time with a counselor, and you can model, model, model the more appropriate behaviors.
At some point, however, you may need to insist that your wife see a counselor, too. A lot of people with negative thinking will insist that their interpretation of "reality" is the ONLY interpretation. They do not understand that the way we THINK about a situation shapes our feelings about it, and as logical creatures, we can re-think a situation to make it less threatening. "Insisting" can only be done if you are prepared to follow up with action, so don't do it unless you are willing to follow through and separate. If your situation doesn't improve, however, you will be at that point sooner or later, I'm guessing.
You seem like you are trying to derail disaster, but sometimes a spouse won't listen until the crisis arrives, and that is too bad b/c your feelings may have changed by then. Maybe just telling her that--you have concerns about these things, and people have told you they can be the sorts of things to end love--will be enough. I don't know. Give it some thought.
Issue #1: Because of my past, my wife thinks I'm interested in viewing porn, which is not the case at all.
My thought on this one is that your past sounds very innocent and normal to me for a single man. Since you have since stopped all of that and do not give your wife any reason to believe you have some secret life, this sounds more to do with her own insecurities than with you.
Originally Posted by ConcernedHubby
Issue #2: Why do some women over-analyze? I mean, my wife analyzes every move I make and everything I say.. And she somehow gets it wrong 90% of the time. This is kind of hard to explain but I can say or do the most simple things and she will analyze it in her head and the next thing you know she has the idea that I meant something completely different and it turns into a big argument.
I know I am guilty of this one, too! I think it partially to do with the way women communicate on a very emotional level and men can tend to speak more directly...It opens up the women to then wonder what underlying emotions were attached to that statement. And probably most of the time, there weren't any...he was just answering the question.
I think my husband finally got me to realize that there isn't always a deeper meaning or emotion attached to what he says. Once in a while there is, and he usually lets me know
I do think it might help if you expand on things sometimes during discussions so her mind doesn't wander off the deep end...and over time, she may believe you when you say ... there is no deeper meaning to what I said...I simply answered your question!
Again, this points to her feeling insecure for whatever reason and unable to fully trust in you.
This thread in Very familiar to some of the issues I live with! Ive heard a couple of these complaints in my own home & I am a Virgo so Im accused of being the worlds worst analizer period. The case in my home is certain sentences only mean one thing & my husband will realize his slip of the tounge has hurt my feelings ( as it should have ) so he will go into "You Misunderstood I didnt mean it that way" all just to get the hell down & peace returned but I dont make it that easy for I end up resenting the Implication that Im ignorant in understanding sentences heard... and am left with double insult... but if your wife analizes your every move & word thats definite sign of No Trust & honestly if you dont have that you dont have a Relationship.... you also mention a past that consist of nudity movies an talk of hot women that was done to mostly to fit in with guys .. thats more than my husband will admit for we also have had this debate & i posted here how someones past follows to your present and makes you ughhhhhh just hard to forget ..my husband thinks Im so fragile minded and insecure he wont even admit to ever never once Enjoying or viewing on his own in his past for reasons of just sheer curiosity or want .. he always runs from the topic and literally blames other guys for anything that shows up in his past that would umm dispute him.. you and most every other guy Ive ever heard phrase past single life will atleast admit some is norm some to fit in he wont admit LIKING OR FINDING a female attractive before me ..so It kinda makes one analize and not believe all they hear...
I cant speak for you & your wife but it sounds like you are already at a place where you know couceling is a resort to try & turn things around One sided decision .. you feel you arent believed or heard so if your wife doesnt believe you on anything theres no gurantee she would listen to a councelors opinion.. speaking from experience here because I myself am looked at alot like everything u posted here about your wife & counceling has been mentioned to me & currently id benefit more solo than as a couple ..so u cant force someone but as others mentioned u could always go yourself .. anyway Im rambling cuz this thread got my attention being so similiar to my own life.. I am analizing it lol sorry ...Virgo
My wife and I deal with very similar issues. And I feel the same way as you about all of the things you mentioned and I've said the exact same things you said.
I think it partially to do with the way women communicate on a very emotional level and men can tend to speak more directly...It opens up the women to then wonder what underlying emotions were attached to that statement. And probably most of the time, there weren't any...he was just answering the question.
I think you hit the nail on the head with that reply.