Did you ask for "parity" in birth control, or did you leave that 100 percent in her hands?
Your confidence is based on her positive response to a single conversation. My lack of optimism in the result is based solely on the length of your letter and the conclusion she drew about you based on the length of the letter.
There is a massively high correlation between brevity and firmness. Bright line boundaries are not about feelings, do not require lengthy explanations and most importantly cannot include lengthy justifications.
When you say: The reason that I need you to do "....xyz..."
Your far more powerful partner hears: This is still all about you, no matter what happens, it is all about you
And she concludes: Even when I totally violate him, his trust and his boundaries he is still almost entirely focused on me and how I feel.
The most impactful boundary letter is a short paragraph followed by a list of bullet points.
It might start with: I love you and want this relationship to work. All of these boundaries are mutual, meaning that I will apply them to my own behavior. I accept that you may not value this relationship enough to find these boundaries acceptable. If that is the case, I simply ask that you show me the minimal respect of being truthful about it. In order to be comfortable moving ahead together, I need you to respect the following boundaries:
1. Communication with other men who:
- You have had a prior romantic/sexual relationship with
- Have expressed sexual interest in you, whether or not you have reciprocated
- Sexual or not, they are contacting you very frequently
- Are communicating in a manner, that if I became aware of it, I would insist that it stop immediately. If you have any doubts about this point, I need to know you will share the communication with me and ask if I am ok with it
2. Trips away without me: (this one is difficult - there is no easy answer here so I won't pretend otherwise)
3. Transparency: Harmless or not, I need to be aware of any communication with another male (except for family members) that is happening more than once a week.
4. Respect level shown me when I raise concerns: Use of the phrases "don't be an idiot..."
5. Use of birth control will be completely mutual
Originally Posted by turtle05lj
I couldn't wait till Friday :-)
So we had the talk last night. She was very receptive to the letter and my requests. " Holy crap a 3 page letter" she stated. LOL I held it up and said that is how much this means to me. She said ok and we began.
I first informed her of how I felt the flirting and mindset that she has about "being dead" was very disrespectful and hurtful to me and us. I told her how much the text thing from her "friend bothered me and why it bothered me. She asked why I was mad at her for something he did. So I explained to her that it was more her response and refrain from asking him to respect us. Told her due to that particular aspect of the situation I was no longer comfortable with the friendship continuing. She sat down in front of me and typed a message to her "friend/ex BF/FB" that they could no longer be friends. She deleted his contact info from her phone and email and FB. She also took all her passcodes off her phone and wrote her email password on a sticky note on the computer (I hadn't even asked her to do this yet - but was going to.) She said I was free to any and all of her convo's. She has already had access to mine as I have never had any locks on anything so that is now free standing.
She had no issues with the boundaries I laid forth. Back up, When I started the boundaries convo she started off with "great more rules." So in preperation, as I knew she would view it this way I had a dictionary handy :-) She had the pleasure of reading the definition of both rules and boundaries. So the convo continued after her reading and she said that she saw no problems with the boundaries and I asked her to throw some in of her own. She had none but I am sure once she has some sessions she may (I can only hope). She stated that she grew up in a very disfunctional familiy and has never known how to have healthy boundaries. She said she will try to find a counselor to talk to if it meant that much to me. I told her only to do it if it meant that much to her. We will see....
With everything else talked about that I had issues with we had a great night of some of the best sex thus far and had a wonderful morning of the same.
She still hated the idea of the forum but now says she understands why I came here and not to my family & friends (i told her that I didn't want my F&F to have any ill will or judements on her were we to work through this as she seems to want to).
Thanks all for chiming in.