my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable
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Old 05-02-2009, 05:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

My H and I have been married for 6 years (+ 4 months to be exact). I'm a 30 y/o accountant and he's a 35 y/o naval officer; and we have a 6 y/o daughter. My H has to be the most compassionate, caring, understanding, respectful person I know; but i'm not attracted to him anymore. He is the perfect husband and father.

During the first few years of our marriage, we were so in love with each other. He adored me and I adored him. Whenever he would go out to sea, it would be like a honeymoon when he got back.

For at least 2 years now, I haven't felt attracted to him or in love with him. For about the past year or so, our sex lives have been almost nonexistent. We may have sex once every other month now. I have no desire to have sex at all. My body doesn't react to him touching me. When we do have sex, I feel violated. I can't stand being around him. He annoys the hell out of me.

I feel like the roles in our house are reversed. He does what the wife should do (like clean up in the house) and I act as the head of the household (fixing things, maintaining the yard, etc). He is such a pushover. I really don't have a whole lot of respect for him. I think that the way I perceive him is the reason i'm not attracted to him and why I have no sex drive. I always thought that my sex drive would be at its peak when I turned 30.

My real dilemma is that he's such a great person, but I don't think he's my type anymore. I'm so miserable and hurting so badly because of the way I feel about him.

I guess my question is: Is this just a phase or is this a sign that we're not right for each other and should go our separate ways?
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Old 05-03-2009, 01:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

I went through a phase where I was too busy caring for our young children. I didn't have any interest in my husband at all. From the sound of how much you were in love before, I will recommend staying and finding ways to rekindle that spark.
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Old 05-03-2009, 06:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

Gosh, most of us would be in heaven, if we had a man such as your husband! You might want to do some serious thinking before giving him up. I believe individual counseling would be a good place for you to start.
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Old 05-03-2009, 07:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

Quote:
Originally Posted by Country Girl View Post
Gosh, most of us would be in heaven, if we had a man such as your husband!
Only for about six months!


Quote:
Originally Posted by IamAnavywife
I feel like the roles in our house are reversed. He does what the wife should do (like clean up in the house) and I act as the head of the household (fixing things, maintaining the yard, etc). He is such a pushover. I really don't have a whole lot of respect for him. I think that the way I perceive him is the reason i'm not attracted to him and why I have no sex drive. I always thought that my sex drive would be at its peak when I turned 30.
This fits in with what I have written here: Sexless Marriage?

If it were your husband posting this, I would simply tell him to read this: Integrating our dark side. E-satsang by Mark But I have no idea how to help you to help him have more grit! Except you could try telling him.

Although it appears that only some women dislike male pushovers, I am beginning to wonder if any woman likes them.
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Last edited by MarkTwain; 05-03-2009 at 07:12 AM.
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Old 05-03-2009, 07:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

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From the sound of how much you were in love before, I will recommend staying and finding ways to rekindle that spark.
Yeah, it's not rocket science!


IamAnavywife-
Which one of you is the bad communicator?
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Old 05-03-2009, 01:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

MarkTwain,
He is a horrible communicator. I feel like i'm always left guessing about what's wrong or why he's feeling a certain way. I, on the other hand, am an open book.
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Old 05-03-2009, 01:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

Would he be willing to read the two links I posted?
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Old 05-04-2009, 02:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by IamAnavywife View Post
My H and I have been married for 6 years (+ 4 months to be exact). I'm a 30 y/o accountant and he's a 35 y/o naval officer; and we have a 6 y/o daughter. My H has to be the most compassionate, caring, understanding, respectful person I know; but i'm not attracted to him anymore. He is the perfect husband and father.

During the first few years of our marriage, we were so in love with each other. He adored me and I adored him. Whenever he would go out to sea, it would be like a honeymoon when he got back.

For at least 2 years now, I haven't felt attracted to him or in love with him. For about the past year or so, our sex lives have been almost nonexistent. We may have sex once every other month now. I have no desire to have sex at all. My body doesn't react to him touching me. When we do have sex, I feel violated. I can't stand being around him. He annoys the hell out of me.

I feel like the roles in our house are reversed. He does what the wife should do (like clean up in the house) and I act as the head of the household (fixing things, maintaining the yard, etc). He is such a pushover. I really don't have a whole lot of respect for him. I think that the way I perceive him is the reason i'm not attracted to him and why I have no sex drive. I always thought that my sex drive would be at its peak when I turned 30.

My real dilemma is that he's such a great person, but I don't think he's my type anymore. I'm so miserable and hurting so badly because of the way I feel about him.

I guess my question is: Is this just a phase or is this a sign that we're not right for each other and should go our separate ways?

I don't know you or know for sure but it sounds like a phase. I've known military women and after husband retired ( 20 years) the roles reversed back and they are still with the same husband, seem happy. They stayed married despite the hardships of feeling like a single parent.
I would say that there would be miliatary support groups for women in your situation as many women are in your situation.
Because you have young kids, you should think hard before divorcing.. as there are some really worthless men out there far worse than you can imagine. You don't want to be fooled and end up with one of them.

Your in my shoes somewhat, although I do not have kids and I understand that "widow" feeling.
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Country Girl;54107]Gosh, most of us would be in heaven, if we had a man such as your husband! [QUOTE]

Um, no, you probably wouldn't.

I am going through the same thing, and I am at the end of my rope. I feel NOTHING when he touches me, NOTHING-- well, except maybe disgust. Yes, my husband is a kind, generous, funny guy-- but that's what he is, a 'guy', not a 'man." He is weak, cowardly, and truly just let's me bulldoze all over him. And no, I do NOT enjoy doing that whatsoever. I feel more like his mother 80% of the time, and not his wife.

He is horrible in bed, absolutely horrible. I have tried for 8 years to get him to improve, and I feel like I've wasted 8 years of my liffe. He is selfish in bed, not so much in his own needs, but in trying to be " the best I ever had." He has NO intuition, he pays no attention to my responses, just keeps going at it-- half the time, I don't even feel like I'm in the room. I feel like I could be anyone. I feel like a 20$ hooker. I feel like an object.

Then there's his complete lack of personal attention. I have fibromyalgia, and one day while we were walking, he sprinted in front of me. I asked him please, slow down hun, I'm having trouble today. He did...for about 30 seconds. When we came to a staircase, he sped ahead, completely lost in his own thoughts....and left me at the top, struggling to get down. He didn't even come to help me.

So I have cut him off. I just can't do it anymore. And we have done nothing but fight about it for weeks, it's all HE wants to talk about. He begs me, he guilts me, he has accused me of emotional adultery. Know what? I can't effin' stand him anymore. I have no money, I'm flat broke. If I had the means, I'd be out of here like a bat out of hell to start over.
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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@downundergirl: I believe that one of the reasons people come to boards like this is to vent, express our frustrations, and not be judged. So you had an affair. You're not the first, and you won't be the last. Actually, I've never quite understood how infidelity could be equated with something like murder or theft, as it is usually a response to needs being unfulfilled. Congratualtions, you're a human being. You messed up. So have I. We all have.

I re-read what I wrote yesterday, and broke down in tears. Saying it is one thing, but actually reading it in black and white is jarring, so say the least.

My husband doesn't beat me, he doesn't drink or do drugs, doesn't steal from me, doesn't berate me or abuse me, none of that. So, I ask myself, why am I so miserable? Is it me? And the answer is yes, it is-- to an extent. But it's him too. I think there is validity to what you are saying, that the "grass is greener". Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but constant familiarity...yes, it can take its toll too.
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

my wife is a critical thinker, she is always assessing things, planning, scheming, complicating everything. she does so to the point that she convinces herself that she is overwhelmed and it is impossible for her to be happy. over the years i have tried numerous approaches to our relationship, none of them really change anything, she never seems responsive to any one approach, she is never freakin happy. while i know a couple of you ladies that posted above are only a small example, you have good husbands but yet you arent happy, why?

men in the under 50 age group have been conditioned over the past 30 years that women are our equal, we are to treat everyone the same, and with fairness. that spilled into sharing duties around the house and the dumbing down of the macho man image. being more sensitive is what is drilled into our heads. it appears that goes for everything but our relationships with our women. most women still want to be controlled and dominated from the relationship standpoint, just not anywhere else.
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Old 07-29-2010, 07:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

Quote:
Originally Posted by wltdnfaded View Post
I have no money, I'm flat broke. If I had the means, I'd be out of here like a bat out of hell to start over.
I don't know how long you think your situation will last before you have no choice but to be out of there. With your illness, are you not eligible for SSI? You have to do something to prepare for when he leaves. There is no reason to expect he will tolerate that life forever.

Iamanavywife, you should get your husband to read up on Alpha Male/Beta Male. No doubt Mark Twain's links will be helpful, but additional reading will also help. This guy has a pretty good blog on that subject and others. You should also google for full understanding. That's really all it is. He is not being the kind of man you need - the kind women are attracted to.
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Old 08-02-2010, 10:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: my husband's a wonderful man, but i'm miserable

Hi,

You say in your post that your husband
(IS) the most compassionate, caring,
understanding, respectful person you
know,that he (IS) the perfect husband and
father.But that you are not attracted to
him any more.

What were the things that attracted you to
him in the begining of your relationship?
Have those qualities disappeared from him ?

What percentage of him do you like now ?
Example:When you stand back and look at all
of who he is, would say you like 80% of who
he is or would it be less ?

No one will ever meet 100% of what you want
just like you will not meet 100% of what
someone wants.

If you like 80% of who he is, talk to him about
the other things.

During the first few years of your marriage you
say that the two of you were so in love with each
other. He adored you and you adored him.How did the
two of you ((SHOW)) each other much how you adored
and loved each other?

Marriage is not just something that happens,marriage
will take consistent (daily) work on both of your parts.
You must talk to each other.

The ultimate love is not just emotions and feelings,
these are important things in a marriage but the
ultimate love is wanting the highest good for one
another,it's wanting a future with each other.

Feelings can change from moment to the next.If decisions
are based just on feelings than there will never be
stability in one's life.You will go from feeling to
feeling.

Once upon a time you had love,there was an attraction,
you thought that your husband was special.Since you
had that once this means you can recapture it.

The Very Best To You,
Brooks

Last edited by BrooksPublicationCom; 08-06-2010 at 12:41 AM.
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Old 08-14-2010, 03:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Susan, WAAAAYYY ahead of you. I've opened a seperate bank account. I've communicated until I'm blue in the face, and it falls on deaf ears. He's gonna leave me? LET HIM. How dare you try to guilt me into staying with a man I don't love anymore. It if works for you, FIIIINE. Not me, cupcake.

Yeah, YOU go ahead and sleep with him. Maybe you'll understand what I'm talking about. But all I see is a judmental woman slinging advice to everyone else. WHY exactly are YOU here?
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Old 08-14-2010, 03:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Susan, keep your petty little judgments to yourself. YOU sleep with him if you think you know better, then maybe you'll understand what I'm talking about. May I ask, why exactly are YOU here anyway? To sling advice? How DARE you even remotely suggest I stay with a man I don't love! Yes, I made a MISTAKE. I'm admitting to that. I'm also a human being who needs something other than horrible selfish sex and emotional immaturity. He's gonna leave me? LET HIM.
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