LONELY IN VA

My daughter is 33 and a only child. I will say I was young when I had her so I can honestly say I didnt do alot of the things I should have done as a Mother.
I and my husband left her with his Mother while we moved to get our lives in order.
We separated she was with me then him finally with me. I was in a abusive relationship which took more of my engergy trying to save myself than paying attention to her, which was wrong.
She started shop lifting at 16. since she has 4 different felonies, her son has been with us since birth.
He has been in the house with him, but living life a free single person. Basically me and my husband rasises him.
I have become very bitter toward's her, she can't get a job to support her and her son, so she still lives with me and my husband. Did i mention she pays no bills, she gets food stamps.
She is disrespectful to me and my husband, never speaks, ask are we ok, do we need anything, can I help do something.
If I ask her anything it ends up being a fight, so I say as little as possible.
My husband has a 18 yr old son whom we've only seen 3 times in 13 yrs. he wont call nor does he care about him.
Ive been on meds and seeing a Therapist for 10 yrs to help me deal with my daughter, husband and grandson.
For my health and in order to keep my sanity while i raise her son, I have put her out, I gave in and let her back in.
we are moving in a coulple of weeks. I REFUSE to let her move with me. My husband her step father thinks I'm wrong, however I did wait until 2 wks out to tell her I could live with her any longer.
She and my grandson are spoiled and full of ENTITLEMENT.
My husband is mad she is mad and DISPECTFUL. Im tired and just dont want to raise her and her son any longer, I just want it to be me and my husband. we have never lived alone without her or her son for 13 yrs. Im tired.
I would appreciate all the help I can get.
Thanks for reading

CanadianGuy

It would seem that you have come to a point where you realize you have been working harder for their ( Daughter and her son ) welfare than they are. In other words you are working harder to help your Daughter than she is working to help herself. If she was 13 I would say that you are doing your job but as she is 33 she has become what some call an economic dependent. From what I read in your post she has come to expect that you will feed and house her and does not contribute to the welfare of herself and the rest of the family. I would submit that you are being taken advantage of. There also seems to be a lack of boundaries on your part as your daughter has been pushing the limits of her behavior just to see what you're willing to put up with and she can get away with. This has been happening for so long that you both have lost sight of your responsibilities.

Your daughter is very comfortable living off your back and has neglected to become independent and self sufficient. You have allowed that to happen. Your husband is not helping at all and needs to take a stand with you.

The two weeks notice you gave her probably came as a surprise to her. Perhaps longer notice would have been nice but alas she is 33 and should be able to get her sh*t together and either find another place/roommate etc in that amount of time. If she won't stand on her on two feet it is well past the time she learns how to do it.

You need to be strong and firm in your resolve to create a life that has you being supportive but not the supporter. Do not do for her what she can do for herself.

Jamison

Most people are products or their environment or upbringing. My suggestion is therapy for the whole family. Lots of anger and resentment that need to be dealt with properly.

Miss Taken

I agree that therapy is probably a good idea but there is no forcing her daughter to go. You did make some bad parenting choices in her upbringing but you also acknowledge that and there is no going back.

As for your daughter, there comes a time when you have to stop blaming the past and using it as a crutch to not grow up and do what is needed in your own life and the life/lives of your children. I know everyone copes differently/has different tolerance levels but the daughter is an adult now and she is acting like an adolescent. She's causing stress for you and on your marriage and it's time for her to grow up.

I would try to be there for her son as much as possible (it sounds like he needs a responsible parental figure) but I can't blame you for not wanting your daughter to move with you too. Instead, I would try to direct her to the resources she needs in your area and suggest family therapy while trying to be there for your grandson.

You can't make her come with you but even going for yourself might be worth a thought to help you to learn better ways to cope with her, establish boundaries and not enable her poor choices/behavior. You need to have boundaries with her and be firm with your other family that's pressuring you to keep carrying her. If they're not willing to carry her, they shouldn't make you feel bad about not having the energy for it anymore.

I don't think your help is doing her any favors because she isn't growing from it and it's only causing her to further alienate herself from you by straining the relationship by being disrespectful to you and your husband and irresponsible.

__________________
Miss Taken: BS
Him: Possibly narcissistic XWS
9+ year common-law marriage, 2 sons.
Separated, not working on R.

MaritimeGuy

I like to use the airplane analogy for a situation like this. What I'm referring to is the part where they talk about the oxygen masks falling from the ceiling. They say, "Always put your own mask in place before attempting to help others". The obvious implication is if you're passed out you're not going to be in a position to help anyone thus you both die.

If your current situation is causing you so much stress the reality is you're probably not doing your daughter or your grandson much good. I'm picturing a home filled with tension and resentment.

As hard as it will be I think you need to force your daughter to move out. This will accomplish two important things. One it will force your daughter to face reality. Two it will allow you to get yourself healthy so you will be a better position to help her.

She will undoubtedly resist. She will do everything in her power to get you to change your mind to return to the dysfunctional situation she knows. She needs to become uncomfortable and then deal with it if she's ever going to grow enough to care for herself. She never will as long as she's living with you.

Jellybeans

You're doing the right thing.

Look it's fine to help her out for a time but it sounds like she doesn't do anything to help herself which is bad. No job, entitlement issues, no concerns for you or your husband. By allowing her to stay rent-free and allowing her disrespect, you actually enabled her behavior.

Good for you for telling her it's time she flew the coop and moving on with your life. Hopefully she'll be more responsible.