My situation, I have four daughters ranging from 20 to 7. My wife and I had a terrible fight a few months ago. She said all the love for me has gone from her, she got it back a few times but I was stupid and squashed it by my same old routine.
I'm pretty much a strait guy, no drinking, no smoking, no cheating. 24 years of marriage.
The reasons are hurt, she has hurt from way back and even now. She keeps reliving the hurt. It is not physical abuse, it is verbal in that I would poo-poo her ideas, or just not comment on her feelings, she says I never let her have feelings. I also can't share my feelings or share my life as she wanted.
I keep sticking my foot in my mouth, saying all the wrong things.
She seems determined to big D me. But not now, financially she can't leave the house. She is going to school and working a full time job.
She says move on, she says, what can I say to get you to know it is over. What do you need me to do to let you know it is over.
I keep hanging on by the littlest thread.
You ladies, is there any chance she will come back?
Should I do as she says, move on?
I'm trying to fix myself, self perspective, exercise, talking to friends.
Last edited by outinthecold; 05-23-2009 at 04:07 PM.
If she has told you over & over repeatedly then Id move on and start trying to focus on myself.... If you know she plans to toss u after she finishes school & can afford to thats unfair to exspect u to continue being around in the meantime if your not wanted .... but make sure 100% that you are sure of her wants intentions ....
try & offer counceling ..ask her in detail what she needs from you thats diffrent ... if thats not an option take yourself out of the scenerio but take care of your kids always regardless
It's a good thing you are becoming self aware and noticing you tend to repeat the same bad behaviour patterns. Congratulations there is hope for you. Unfortunately you can't control other people's behaviour, attitudes or free will. The only thing you can change is YOURSELF. Work on that. If she likes the changes then she may say "hey I like this. We have something still to work on. " If not, your bettering yourself for the rest or your life, your work and friendships and the next lady to be in your life. Remember the most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. Good Luck. Hopefully you've taken the first few steps that will start you on a journey that will change the rest of your life.
Unfortunately for me, the situation has gotten to where she wants to date. I always thought there was somebody hanging around. We live in kind of a strange house, it use to be a duplex so she wants to move to the upstairs with the oldest daughters and start dating.
I don't want to leave her out in the cold. She talks about a shelter and other really depressing scenarios where she would live because of the lack of funds.
She gave me a hug today, no physical contact for a really long time. It was bitter sweet, I didn't really feel anything like love or excited or any of what I usually feel. I think I'm still in love with the original girl and she is someone different now. She looks the same but her eyes tell all. They have a darkness to them not the spark she use to have. There use to be this brightness when she looked at me. Its just not there.
For me, maybe I am gradually loosing the feeling, but still holding to the marriage and family as a whole unit. It is going to be destroyed here real quick.
I'm sorry to say, I cried all day and have not been able to sleep until I'm exhausted. Then I only sleep a few hours and I wake up with the same feeling.
Being in the same house with her while she's dating, ouch. Can you move out? Get some distance? Stay with some friends, etc.. I would also seek out a psychologist or a grief councellor. It might help you to talk to a professional. There are also several good books you can read to get you through this tough time. I think there is a thread in this discussion forum about which books are good. I just hope she's not dating to make you jealous or see what you are missing. It's hard to separate the person we once loved and how they change and become someone you don't recognize as being your once special partner. Been there, got the t-shirt. This is a process, this will take time to get through, digest and move on with your life. Take care of yourself. If you don't nobody else will.
I actually called my mother-in-law to talk about this. She was very understanding and a great help to just listen to me. I have the girls to keep me going but it is sooo incredibly hard. I would move but I can't leave my girls. My now seperated wife is going to live in a separate part of the house with the older three girls. I will have the little one with me in the lower level.
I feel so desperate right now, don't know if to cry or slit my wrists or go drinking (I don't even drink). Because my mother-in-law got left by her husband for a younger woman, she has a lot of expierence with this. She said it tore her up for about six months, but one day she woke up and she was ok. I'm waiting for ok feeling which comes and goes.
I think I just need someone to talk to. All of my friends are gone for memorial weekend.
It's GOOD to talk, vent, scream, cry whatever it takes. I personally find it seems to be harder for men to unload and talk then women. Of the 13 or so people in my therapy group only maybe 3-4 guys. It's interesting I find to hear them speak about their own situation as it gives me as a person and a woman understanding as to how they handle distressing situations in their lives. Please, find a professional to talk to. Could you get a referral to your family doctor? Think about it. It would really help you. I know therapy has done wonders for me.
GOOD FOR YOU!! I promise you when you start therapy it's only the start of a healthy, productive process which will give you a good footing for a great relationship and understanding first of yourself then with others. You won't regret it! Lots of hugs and best of luck to you. YOU deserve a happy future regardless of whoever is in it to share it with you.
you need to move out!!!!!! seeing her happy with another guy is gonna kill you. Here's some famous last words "Getting good and drunk never hurt nobody"
I need to, but I have to think about the two younger children.
12 and 7 they need me to be there for them.
I'm better at being a father than anything else in my whole life.
If this is the cross I must bear so be it.
I can't just abandon them, no matter what. My wife left me so I can't abandon my values or any truths. Which means I can't abandon her, no matter what she says or the way she treats me.
They must see that I'm not going to change in anyway towards them no matter what.
Even if it does mean I have to see her with another man.
Remember, I brought this upon myself. I came to this party with no tools on how to build a life with a woman.
It comes down to gimmicks, they seem like gimmicks to me.
The beginning advice is great, don't kamikaze, don't cause problems, just agree to everything.
These things work great, but they really won't get your ex back.
The problem really is you, you have to fix yourself first.
As I have found out.
No simple solutions on how to get your ex back if they have checked out.
Mentally checked out and emotionally checked out. Everybody remembers this feeling, you were interested in somebody else, while the person you let go is still lingering around. Do you remember the feeling. You just couldn't get rid of them fast enough.
That's me, she can't get rid of me fast enough.
I'm still lingering around because of the kids and money.
No way back either, so I'm gonna work on myself only. Maybe I'll find someone maybe I won't. But the key is always working on myself.
You sound like a very good man. You will get through this and it will get easier. I'm glad you are going to talk to someone they will be able to look at the situation for what it is and help you get through it. Stay true to who you are and be there for your daughters. This too shall pass... promise
She already has someone in mind or has already been dating. She's jerking you around because she doesn't care enough to be truthful. It's worth it to her to rub it in your nose and keep you hostage to her "journey."
Anyway to get her back, or ?
Stay Safe!
