Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

Ok, my dilemma.....I have no physical attraction to my husband at all. I have not had this for many years. Does anyone else have this problem and how can I work through it?

We have been working on getting our marriage back on track for the past couple years, but I have absolutely no desire to be with him sexually. Is this something I can work through? How do I go about doing that? Any ideas suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

Do you know why are not physical attracted to him????
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

I can't honestly say why. I am not sure myself. He has let himself get WAY overweight over the years, but this never bothered me before, he was never small, so I don't know why this bothers me now.
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

My Wife is overweight, but her weight never bothered me, nor will it ever....

I know my Wife said the other day while looking through pictures how she liked me thinner..... I always weighed 168 lbs.... I am 5-11 I am at 209 lbs now....Though it's from eating no doubt, it's also I am limited at time due to back problems...

So with that in mind have you told him the added weight is bothering you?
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Old 05-11-2009, 10:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

Yes, I finally admitted to him that it bothers me. I don't want to hurt his feelings and he is happy with who he is, I don't want to make him feel bad about it. He does know that his weight effects our sex lives...but seems to do nothing about it on a consistant basis. I worry about his health, but he doesn't seem to worry about it.
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

I feel as if I am in the same position. Although there are a lot more mental strain my husband has put me through. But when we are intimate, I have to think about other men to get through it. Maybe trying to find the underlying reason why you feel no attraction to him?
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Old 05-11-2009, 11:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

My Wife worries about my health and yep i don't. I am a smoker for over 30 years to boot.

I have no life insurance for my wife in case something.. I told her i will be getting some for her.

I have decided i want to walk a few times each week with the wife.... She said that would be great... Maybe you can do the same??? Maybe he will want to???

I plan on talking and holding hands to make it more fun... If my Wife does not want to thats ok...Walking with her can be just as good...

It sounds like you Love your husband, and it's the weight thats the problem... Show him pics of before and how much you loved him then and want that attraction back... I know his feelings might be hurt,then again it might do a lot of good knowing how you feel when he hears it???

You can teach an Old dog new things... I am going on 44 and I have learned many new ones of late...
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Old 05-12-2009, 07:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

We do say we are going to go for walks, we even attended a dance class for awhile. Sadly finances forced us to quit the dance class. I get upset sometimes that he can't keep up with me. We walk, and I like walking at a faster pace, but his ankle is always hurting him so we end up walking at a snails pace. I slow down to keep pace with him, but I feel like I am not accomplishing anything for myself by doing this(selfish sounding I know). I guess I could go for MY walk when he is at work, and when i walk with him it could just be for leisure.

I have mentioned us joining a gym together, but our finances now wont allow it. I tried talking him into a treadmill for years..but he didnt see how we really needed one. I have even opened up the possibility of us joining weight watchers, but to no availe.
Now, he is going to such extremes that he says he isnt going to eat for a week, and he wants to get rid of the new reclining loveseat we got that we JUST paid off. This is what he does...on a regular basis...he gets tired of being lazy and fat, so he decides to do something about it...it lasts at the MOST a month, then its back to the same old same old, sit on the sofa, eat chips and dip, fall asleep by 8pm...and that is that!

You know the funny thing is that he seems to have been reading my mind yesterday when I first posted this. He was really down on himself for letting himself get so out of shape. So, I spent the better part of the day trying to cheer him up and letting him know that we can do this. We took our puppy for a walk, which was quite a workout for me(I was the one holding her leash), since she is new to the whole walking on a leash thing...lol. BUT, this time he actually asked me for my help in this....WOW, a member of the male species asking for help....lol, I know what my job is now

Like you, my husband has learned a LOT of new tricks in the past couple years...I guess I am just going to have to help him keep on track with this

Thanks for everyone's input!
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Old 06-04-2009, 04:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

A marriage can survive no physical attraction but depending on who isn't attracted to whom the marriage could very well end up sexless.

If a woman is not attracted to her husband she can physically still have mercy sex despite low or no sexual desire if she feels that other aspects of the marriage are worth preserving or they have small children.

For a man it is impossible to have intercourse without being aroused due to a lack of physical and sexual attraction. So unless the man is very unselfish and the woman doesn't mind a lack of penetrative sex and instead will take whatever he offers, there will be no sex, mercy or other.
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Old 06-04-2009, 11:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

were you attracted to him at one time? How much--enough that you wanted to initiate sex with him, or enough that you could respond when he initiated? If it is only the latter, I suspect you simply were never really attracted to him physically and this can create a lot of problems if/when you start to want a more fulfilling sex life. I lived without one for a long time but couldn't keep doing it. I don't have any advice, but I do hope you find a way to work through things and that your husband will choose to be healthier for his own sake as well as yours. Good luck.
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Old 06-07-2009, 02:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr B View Post
A marriage can survive no physical attraction but depending on who isn't attracted to whom the marriage could very well end up sexless.

For a man it is impossible to have intercourse without being aroused due to a lack of physical and sexual attraction. So unless the man is very unselfish and the woman doesn't mind a lack of penetrative sex and instead will take whatever he offers, there will be no sex, mercy or other.
I don't see how this can be true 100% of the time. My husband has NO sexual attraction to me, but we would still have sex 3-4x a week. I don't know what he was thinking of, but he never had any trouble getting an erection.

Now that we don't have sex at all, he doesn't seem to miss it.

He said in Jan that he can 'take it or leave it' as far as sex was concerned (what a blow to my ego!) and he basically has.

It would seem that some men CAN have sex without any type of sexual attraction for the woman.
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Old 06-16-2009, 11:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

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Originally Posted by Sprite View Post
Yes, I finally admitted to him that it bothers me. I don't want to hurt his feelings and he is happy with who he is, I don't want to make him feel bad about it. He does know that his weight effects our sex lives...but seems to do nothing about it on a consistant basis. I worry about his health, but he doesn't seem to worry about it.
How did he react when you finally admitted it to him?

I am very much in the same situation with my hubby. He is very overweight and seems less than enthusiastic about any effort to go on a weight loss program. He is probably 100 lbs overweight and is on bp meds ... and continues to drink alcohol quite a bit. Like you, I worry about his health, but he glosses over when I try to have a serious conversation about it. It's as if he's in denial.

I VERY MUCH want to find the right words and the right timing to tell him it's getting in the way (literally and physically!) of having a healthy sexual relationship. Sex is pretty much non-existant and it's mostly because I can't get interested in him.

As a sidenote: I'd like to lose about 15 lbs and we have a treadmill that I occasionally use - and he just ignores it. I try to encourage healthier meals and he's still into the bacon and sausage breakfasts (which turn my stomach). So ... I'm trying to give a positive influence - but he's not into it.

I really feel for the situation you're in. Private message me sometime if you'd like.
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Old 06-17-2009, 08:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

The short answer: yes it CAN survive, but it won't be much fun.

Maybe if neither party cares about physical intimacy, its not an issue, but that is a very very rare case. When one person craves intimacy and the other person doesn't provide it, there will be problems.

For those of you trying to get your spouses to lose weight, odds are you are wasting your breath. See, the problem is not with the "message", but sometimes with the "messenger".

I don't mean to imply that you aren't important, but it is a proven fact that many people do not take advice from their partners, for fear of being controlled.

In my case, it took a major event to get my partner motivated enough to start losing weight. She was invited to a formal event that required a lot of pictures and a lot of face time, and that she wanted to look a lot better than she did.

Once she started losing weight, things improved quite a lot. She felt much better about her self. Sex, which was literally non-existant, returned. It had been years since we had sex twice in the same calendar month, and it was GREAT SEX, not just "lets get this over with so you can stop complaining".

I am not sure how much you (the spouses) can influence this change. In your cases, you might very well be able to come out and say straight up "you've gotten really fat, and its affecting our lives". Men will be hurt, but as problem solvers, may actually receive and act upon the underlying message.

Otherwise, you can try things like talking, showing pictures, mentioning how sexy he looked back then, and how much fun you remember this and that being and how you'd love to do that again and so on so on so on... But losing weight is HARD, especially as one gets older. It just may not be within your control.
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Old 06-24-2009, 09:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roger136913 View Post
My Wife worries about my health and yep i don't. I am a smoker for over 30 years to boot.

I have no life insurance for my wife in case something.. I told her i will be getting some for her.

I have decided i want to walk a few times each week with the wife.... She said that would be great... Maybe you can do the same??? Maybe he will want to???

I plan on talking and holding hands to make it more fun... If my Wife does not want to thats ok...Walking with her can be just as good...

It sounds like you Love your husband, and it's the weight thats the problem... Show him pics of before and how much you loved him then and want that attraction back... I know his feelings might be hurt,then again it might do a lot of good knowing how you feel when he hears it???

You can teach an Old dog new things... I am going on 44 and I have learned many new ones of late...
Can I ask this poster if your wife said look you've gained a bit of weight and its getting in the way of our sex life would you try and lose a bit of weight? I know I would but I'm a woman and for example if their were 2 hairstyles I liked one and not the other and my husband said he wanted me to have the one I didn't like I'd probably go with what he liked not the one I liked because I want to look good for him that may be a bit odd to some girls but there you go. I was just wondering for curiousity
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?

I am in the same boat as you Sprite. I have NO physical attraction to my husband at all. I let him has sex with me which is yucky and only lasts about a minute, (I posted about this in the sex in marriage area).
He was really overweight but when he lost the weight the attraction did not come back. I can't even bring myself to really kiss him. Sometimes I have dreams that I am making love or kissing and am turned on but then I wake up and realize that it has been years since I have felt even close to those feelings. It is sad.(to wake up). We have only been married 5 years. Our anniversary was two days ago. We didn't even bother to have sex. I was relieved, sad to say. I long for a close relationship and am so sad that I don't have one.
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