Hi all... Well I guess I'm so confused about how I feel about my husband and my marriage and I just need to vent. We've been together for 20 years and I'm not that happy right now or for a while now.
He is big into sports and music and is out of the house 5-6 days a week after work - playing with his friends. I know where he is and who he's with so I feel confident about him not having an affair - but I still feel betrayed. I had no idea that I would be sitting home night after night after night feeling so lonely! This doesn't feel like a marriage to me anymore.
I've talked to him about this a hundred times and nothing changes. He just doesn't want to make the sacrifise of giving up any of his hobbies - softball, golf or whatever it is he is doing. What does that say about me - that I'm not worth giving something up for? Cuz that's how it makes me feel!
We have two kids and honestly sometimes I feel like that is the only reason why I stay with him. But this scares me - cuz someday they are going to grow up and move out and then what... What will I have with him, but a history of resentment. How can I not look back without regrets. What am I going to do when I'm "50" and the kids are in college and I've decided to leave. Will I be alone - will I wish I left when I was "40" to give myself more time to have the happiness I deserve?
I just don't know what to do about this. I have such mixed feelings about it all. I don't believe in cheating, but I honestly and sadly admit that I can see why someone would be tempted. I don't get what I want from him to satisfy me "emotionally" and he is just so absent that I am starting to wonder am I wasting my time with him? Should I be looking for someone who will care equally about me as I do about them. Someone who will want to spend their nights with me. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about friends and fun... But I believe there is a balance and there is no balance in my life - not with my husband is concerned.
Not to mention that since he spends all his time with his friends, my home is just not up to par. I can't do it all by myself and I hate that he thinks I should or expects me to do it all. Run his business, take care of the kids, the cooking the cleaning the driving them around. I get them ready in the morning - and I tuck them in at night. But somehow he thinks he is a great dad cuz he coaches my sons baseball team.
He thinks the little things he does makes up for all the things he doesn't do... And it just doesn't!
He is clueless - even though I tell him I'm unhappy - he just doesn't see it or get it. He says he is so happy!! Well of course - he has everything he needs and ever wanted in his life. But I don't... I don't at all. I feel like a single parent with a roommate. I tell him that too - and he gets mad at me! I just can't win.
What do I do... any advise??