Freckles

Hi all... Well I guess I'm so confused about how I feel about my husband and my marriage and I just need to vent. We've been together for 20 years and I'm not that happy right now or for a while now.

He is big into sports and music and is out of the house 5-6 days a week after work - playing with his friends. I know where he is and who he's with so I feel confident about him not having an affair - but I still feel betrayed. I had no idea that I would be sitting home night after night after night feeling so lonely! This doesn't feel like a marriage to me anymore.

I've talked to him about this a hundred times and nothing changes. He just doesn't want to make the sacrifise of giving up any of his hobbies - softball, golf or whatever it is he is doing. What does that say about me - that I'm not worth giving something up for? Cuz that's how it makes me feel!

We have two kids and honestly sometimes I feel like that is the only reason why I stay with him. But this scares me - cuz someday they are going to grow up and move out and then what... What will I have with him, but a history of resentment. How can I not look back without regrets. What am I going to do when I'm "50" and the kids are in college and I've decided to leave. Will I be alone - will I wish I left when I was "40" to give myself more time to have the happiness I deserve?

I just don't know what to do about this. I have such mixed feelings about it all. I don't believe in cheating, but I honestly and sadly admit that I can see why someone would be tempted. I don't get what I want from him to satisfy me "emotionally" and he is just so absent that I am starting to wonder am I wasting my time with him? Should I be looking for someone who will care equally about me as I do about them. Someone who will want to spend their nights with me. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about friends and fun... But I believe there is a balance and there is no balance in my life - not with my husband is concerned.

Not to mention that since he spends all his time with his friends, my home is just not up to par. I can't do it all by myself and I hate that he thinks I should or expects me to do it all. Run his business, take care of the kids, the cooking the cleaning the driving them around. I get them ready in the morning - and I tuck them in at night. But somehow he thinks he is a great dad cuz he coaches my sons baseball team.

He thinks the little things he does makes up for all the things he doesn't do... And it just doesn't!

He is clueless - even though I tell him I'm unhappy - he just doesn't see it or get it. He says he is so happy!! Well of course - he has everything he needs and ever wanted in his life. But I don't... I don't at all. I feel like a single parent with a roommate. I tell him that too - and he gets mad at me! I just can't win.

What do I do... any advise??

Sensitive

I feel I am in the same shoes, but my hubby hides in the basement instead of go out with friends. Also, I work parttime, and may need to work fulltime in order to support hubby's habits of frivolous spending and neglect. He blames my unhappiness on me. I look forward to the day the kids are out of the house, but that's at least 14 years from now. I will follow this thread to see if other's has better advice.

JDPreacher

Interject yourself into some of his pursuits...take up golf, ask him to teach you how to play...take an interest in the sports he watches or plays...

Three things happen with this...one, you get to spend time with your husband, two, you get out of the house more often and three the more you take an interest in what he does, the more likely he will be more interested in the things that you like as well.

Blessed Be,
Preacher

Princemomma

I have been married for 2 years and my husband did that all the time. By him separating himself from our home, it caused a lot of distance between us. He never understood why what he was doing was unacceptable though. It took a year of marriage counseling for him to finally understand that going out with friends all the time and ignoring his wife and kids was right. I'm in the same boat as you, I barely get time to myself. The last time I had a night out without the kids was almost a year ago.

Freckles

To Princemomma... I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you addressed the problem so early on in your marriage. I actually went to counseling with him after 3 years of marriage. I had a two year old and realized I was raising him alone. He just didn't get it then and he still doesn't get it now. I freaked out the other day which I never do - we never fight but I'm so fed up. I told him he wasn't being a good husband and if I knew he was going to live such a "singles" life - I would not have singed up for this. Who wants to be lonely! I think he gets it more now - there is so much at stake - we have two kids and 14 years of marriage. I think some guys just take too much and we don't always know when to put on the brakes! You need to make time for yourself. I've been really trying to make girls night - at least every couple months. I feel so much better when I do!

Freckles

To DJ Preacher... Thanks for your advise. It sounds good - but easier said than done. I've always supported him in everything he did - my life revolved around him, but when we had kids - things had to change for "me" anyways. It's not even possible for me to join him in his activities. He has a golf foursome with the guys - he does not want me part of that - besides he takes 1/2 day off from work to do it and it's not something I can do. His softball is three days a week at night - while he's out playing - I'm cooking dinner, helping with homework and putting the kids to bed. 2 nights a week he is out at band practice at night, far from home - again - kids...homework...etc... It just doesn't work out that I can be part of that. I am trying to be the grown up in this relationship taking care of all the responsibilities. I just wish he realized that when we decided to have a family, that meant giving up some of his "fun" Trust me - I want him to go out and have fun. I believe in time with friends. I like some alone time during the week. But he takes it too far and I believe there should be balance. Also if he is going to spend all that time away from home - when he is home - he should try to make it up by being an active participant in this household - chores and what not. But he does nothing at all. He is so tired from "playing" he spends all his down time on the couch with a beer in hand. We've got a leaky roof - the back room has black mold in it - the house needs to be painted... It's just crazy! Not to mention - that we are struggling financially and I figured out how many hours he spends with his friends and it's equal to what he could be spending on a part time job! It's too much for me to handle!!

Freckles

To Sensative... My husband use to hide in the basement too. We even had his cousin living here to help out with the bills and that was the worst for me. He had a live in buddy - they would play darts down the basement all night long, drinking beer - while I was nursing the baby and changing diapers upstairs. It only got worse from there. I truly believe that no-one can make you happy but you - but I also believe that you can only do so much. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and his role in your unhappiness.

Sit down and really think about what it really is that is going to make you happy. Tell him exactly what you need from him as your husband - more time as a couple - more time for you out of the house - more time from him to help you out... and be open to his needs too. Sometimes we have to give a little to get a little and someone has to be the bigger person and give in to get what we need. Good Luck!

martino

Freckles,

His leash is too long. That's way, way, way too many nights out per week. Why don't you interupt his little life style and tell him you are alternating nights out. Go out yourself.

MarkTwain

Yes, if he can derive pleasure from outside activities... You might even meet some nice people.

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MT