My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not
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Old 05-15-2009, 01:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

My wife has been cheated on in previous relationships...men sneaking around behind her back. They have scarred her.

Even though we have been together almost 5 years and married for three of those years, she is still always checking up on me and accusing me of cheating or doing things behind her back.

It also doesn't help the situation any that I'm a computer programmer and she's not a power user. She always thinks that, while I tell her I'm not doing anything behind her back, I'm still doing something behind her back because I'm a programmer and can hide my trail.

I bought her a laptop for Christmas that sits in our dining room and we both use it to check email and Facebook.

This morning, I was finishing checking messages and stuff and had started to shut down everything when she walked up. Just as she walked up, my browser window closed. She freaked out saying that I was hiding something as she walked up.

I only have a little while in the morning to get on the computer before going to work. This same thing happened the other day with the same result. For me, I'm just getting up from the computer to get ready for work but she sees it as something else....I'm hiding things from her.

I've gone over it a million times with her that I'm not cheating on her. Years ago, I cut off all communication with female friends and past girlfriends who were still friends because I saw this was a problem for her.

Yet, she still believes I am doing something behind her back. It causes a big argument at least once or twice each month.

Can someone give me a female opinion of how I can reassure her that I am being honest and faithful to her?

Let me reassure you all that I am a faithful, devoted husband. I'm even somewhat of a fool in that I stayed with my first wife for 10 years trying to make things better even though she had lost interest in the marriage years before. I just kept trying to make it work.
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Old 05-16-2009, 10:05 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

Give you wife full access to your emails and all online accounts. If you aren't cheating, then what's the big deal? I think a wife should be entitled to protect her relationship with her husband. Being jealous and not wanting any affairs to develop is a good thing. I think the marriage is more in toruble if she couldn't care less who you socialize with. I have a lot of online issues with my husband, and he doesn't care what I feel and that really upsets me.
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Old 05-16-2009, 01:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

It's not your responsibility to reassure your wife your not unfaithful. This is her problem to deal with. She needs to see a therapist to deal with and resolve issues she has had with past relationships. You can reassure her till the cows come home but it won't make a difference. All it should take is one conversation with her to tell her you love her and only her. If she is insistent on bringing up the issue tell her to see a professional. This problem just might send the two of you into divorce if you can't fix it. Good Luck.
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Old 12-25-2009, 08:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

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Originally Posted by Computer Geek View Post
My wife has been cheated on in previous relationships...men sneaking around behind her back. They have scarred her.

Can someone give me a female opinion of how I can reassure her that I am being honest and faithful to her?

Let me reassure you all that I am a faithful, devoted husband. I'm even somewhat of a fool in that I stayed with my first wife for 10 years trying to make things better even though she had lost interest in the marriage years before. I just kept trying to make it work.
Before I write about my opinion of the situation I want to hear how you feel about it. Are you drained from trying to prove your innocence? Do you feel frustrated that she has high demands of you? Did you break ties because you thought it was the right thing to do? Did she ever comment on your friends that are girls? How does she talk to you and how do you feel when she talks to you? What is your view on her irrational fear of betrayal? How do you respond to it? Are you defensive? Why do you think that she should trust you if you are aware of her past? Do you watch porn and/or masturbate?

Now questions about her I would ask if she has been to counseling? Is there certain times of the month that the arguments happen on or is it random? What other events that have happened in the past lead her to think that you are hiding your trail? How often do you both have sex? What does she do for a living? Does she have any hobbies? What about other support than you, is there someone she can talk to about her fears?

Sorry for all the questions, I know it may seem weird but with so much missing data it's hard for me to give advice much less than an opinion. I myself have been burned in the past and am still afraid it might happen again. I understand the obsession one might get in trying to uncover if their spouse is seeing another and that maybe they are not good enough. I mean if it happened in the past with every ex, what makes you different?
I can tell you what you can do to reassure her, but like I said, I need information ^_^
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

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Originally Posted by Computer Geek View Post
My wife has been cheated on in previous relationships...men sneaking around behind her back. They have scarred her.

Even though we have been together almost 5 years and married for three of those years, she is still always checking up on me and accusing me of cheating or doing things behind her back.

It also doesn't help the situation any that I'm a computer programmer and she's not a power user. She always thinks that, while I tell her I'm not doing anything behind her back, I'm still doing something behind her back because I'm a programmer and can hide my trail.

I bought her a laptop for Christmas that sits in our dining room and we both use it to check email and Facebook.

This morning, I was finishing checking messages and stuff and had started to shut down everything when she walked up. Just as she walked up, my browser window closed. She freaked out saying that I was hiding something as she walked up.

I only have a little while in the morning to get on the computer before going to work. This same thing happened the other day with the same result. For me, I'm just getting up from the computer to get ready for work but she sees it as something else....I'm hiding things from her.

I've gone over it a million times with her that I'm not cheating on her. Years ago, I cut off all communication with female friends and past girlfriends who were still friends because I saw this was a problem for her.

Yet, she still believes I am doing something behind her back. It causes a big argument at least once or twice each month.

Can someone give me a female opinion of how I can reassure her that I am being honest and faithful to her?

Let me reassure you all that I am a faithful, devoted husband. I'm even somewhat of a fool in that I stayed with my first wife for 10 years trying to make things better even though she had lost interest in the marriage years before. I just kept trying to make it work.
I'm not a woman, but I will give the solution anway for you to read if you want.

Your woman is insecure both from the past relationships, but most importantly, because in this relationship now with you, it is you that has not stepped up to the plate to SHOW her with action, and not just words, that she is beautiful to you and desired by you.

Here are the facts:

STOP bending over backwards to please your woman, it will not work.

Even to your comments about your past marriage, let me make this perfectly clear again, STOP bending over backwards to please a woman, it will NOT work.

Instead of whatever you are doing that is not working, try this.

The next time your woman is pushing your buttons for cheating, grab her and kiss her for a few seconds, even to pull her hair slightly, and afterwards smack her hard on her rear end, and tell her "as long as you are a good girl you don't have anything to worry about", and simply walk away and do something else.

The man that has done this, has shown his woman the mettle he is made of, and the woman will both feel very sexy, and have no reason to "test" her man, since he has already blown away the test!

It is the self-confident man that makes a woman burn inside sexually, especially if she is thinking you can have any woman and still choose her. This the cure for the insecurity, and the key to your happiness.

And it is the "weak man" that will make a woman be insecure and always having to test the mettle of her man. This is the way to make both the woman and man miserable, and the man to wish for the day of his death.

So again this is not a female opinion that you are asking for, but it is the truth.

I wish you well.
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

It sounds to me like she doesn't really want to be reassured. It really sounds to me like she wants to prove that she's right, and she will push and push and push until she destroys the marriage so she can be "right" that men betray her in this way or that.

It's completely irrational and she needs psychological help. The most loving thing you can do for her is to get her into some kind of counseling situation. I think you should participate in that too, so both of you can learn some strategies for dealing with persistent complaints and these seemingly complex webs of emotion that are causing turbulence in your marriage.

Her behavior, judging from your description, seems obsessive. It sounds like the behavior we see from alcoholics and addicts. Usually addicts get to stay that way because the people around them support their addictions somehow, consciously or not. So if you are going to continue to support this behavior, you should recognize that the consequences are going to be that it will escalate.

You can give her access to your e-mail and show her all the web history you want, but that's not going to solve the problem. Sooner or later you and she have to deal with the root of her "addiction" or obsession.
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Old 12-29-2009, 04:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

Seriously even if you were cheating (I know you're not but for the sake of the arguement) you'd still tell her you aren't. So as you can see, this one is pointless. Showing her e-mails, giving passwords...useless..because as you said, you're a programmer. Pointless again. If she's really paranoid about the situation (which i can bet she is) she'll go ahead and think that you have some other e-mail accts you aren't sharing with her. The scenario in her mind is probably close to some super-hero and laserbeams type of movie in terms of un-realistic and irrational.

Yes, this probably stems from her thinking she isn't good enough to keep a man faithfull. Therapy can help but if you suggest it she'll prolly take it as 'you're crazy and need some work done'. If you can go around this, perfect. If not, as long as she feels like she isn't good enough you can prove you aren't cheating over and over...back in her mind she thinks she deserves it..she's prolly almost convinced of that so she'll just carry on thinking she hasn't caught you yet, or she's not looking in the right place..or that it's bound to happen etc.

What you can do to help is show her she's important to you...important enough for you to be faithfull...how to do that exactly, i dunno, but you should because she's your wife. Basically try to boost her self-esteem somehow. Not by tending her every need but more by what Wolf describes as 'choosing her' over and over. 'i know you've been cheated on, but now that you found a guy who really is faithfull to you, do you really want to blow it up by accusing me constantly of doing something i'm not?' might also work. She might be insecure and yes, she has been hurt in the past, but incouraging her insecurity by conforting her every time won't get you anywhere. It will just encourage that type of behaviour. That's the last thing you want.
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Old 03-28-2010, 04:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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In my opinion, and believe me when I say so that a woman who doubts the integrity of her husband who is loyal and is not cheating on her, is in fact cheating on her husband and to cover her dubious activites comes up with such false allegations on her husband. The objective is to put the husband in a defensive position which gives her an oppertunity to fullfill her designs. This I have observed in many of my patients.
Such women enjoy command over multiple men and would always look at them with a suspecious look. I have also observed that such women mostly belong to sun signs Leo and Scorpio.
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Old 03-28-2010, 04:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Nothing you can do. She has insecurity issues. This is NOT how a person shows love. It shows lack of trust which love needs.

I'd get her to a counselor. Go with her if it helps her. But she needs to work on HER issues because they are hers, not yours.
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

Old threat, and OP long gone (OTAOPLG)
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Old 03-30-2010, 02:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It sounds to me like she doesn't really want to be reassured. It really sounds to me like she wants to prove that she's right, and she will push and push and push until she destroys the marriage so she can be "right" that men betray her in this way or that.

Her behavior, judging from your description, seems obsessive.

You can give her access to your e-mail and show her all the web history you want, but that's not going to solve the problem. Sooner or later you and she have to deal with the root of her "addiction" or obsession.
Cosign. I have this same situation with my husband, for the same reasons. "Playing ball" and doing things on her terms is not going to change things. There will always be something that sets her off.
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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So, as I write this I am very upset. My wife walks by the family lap top and sees an Instant message pop up from soem random guy. She reads it out to me. It was something like " I can hook you up with that girl that we were talking about" I have no clue who the ef that person was, but now my wife is convinced that I am cheating on her when I am absolutely not. I need advise because to compound things, she has depression. More to the point, I snapped on her because of her accusation that this random message I knew everything about. Help, what can I say?
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

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Originally Posted by Dr. Ruxana Ali Elijah View Post
In my opinion, and believe me when I say so that a woman who doubts the integrity of her husband who is loyal and is not cheating on her, is in fact cheating on her husband and to cover her dubious activites comes up with such false allegations on her husband. The objective is to put the husband in a defensive position which gives her an oppertunity to fullfill her designs. This I have observed in many of my patients.
Such women enjoy command over multiple men and would always look at them with a suspecious look. I have also observed that such women mostly belong to sun signs Leo and Scorpio.
I believe they also listen to Devo and Talking Heads Cds a lot.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife thinks I'm cheating when I'm not

Well you can offer to take a polygraph

You could give her your passwords and phone

You an worry if she s cheatng snce ironically cheater sometimes get paranoid about their SO cheating.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:27 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I think I agree most with BigBadWolf. By the way...I am a woman. lol I have been cheated on. More than anything I need to feel important to the man I am with. I have had a few boyfriends since my cheater x husband....and I really REALLY need to feel important to my man! It reassures me that he wants me....that I matter....that he wouldn't risk us to be with another woman.

I think the best thing is answer her questions straight faced without getting upset. Tell her often you love her....that no other woman could ever compare to her. She is the woman who holds your heart.

I'm sure she does need counseling as well. I do!

Let her start shutting off the computer. Teach her about computers if it will help her.....

If you are getting fed up with her attituded to the point you want to leave...she needs to know that too in all fairness.
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