preso

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
>
> NICKNAMES
>
>
> a.. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> b.. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
>
> EATING OUT
>
>
>
> a.. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
> b.. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
>
>
>
> a.. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> b.. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
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> BATHROOMS
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>
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> a.. A man has six items in his bathroom : toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
> b.. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
>
>
> a.. A woman has the last word in any argument.
> b.. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> FUTURE
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>
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> a.. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> b.. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..
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> SUCCESS
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>
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> a.. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> b.. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE
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>
>
> a.. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> b.. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
>
>
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> a.. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> b.. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
> NATURAL
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>
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> a.. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> b.. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
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>
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> a.. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> b.. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
>
> SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Amplexor

How politically incorrect. Love it. Thanks Preso.

I posted this one a few months ago but thought a review of the “Guy Rules” would be good. Take your shots, ladies.

Subject: The Guys Rules!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are the guys rules! Please note ..... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 2 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Salmon is a fish. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or the hemi engine.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -- to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -- to give them a bigger laugh.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Sufficiently Breathless

preso

those are good too AMP !!

Feelingalone

Those are great Amp!