I just started going through what you are going through, I could use some help. My husband does not now if he still wants to be with me. My situation is the same I did not treat him very good and took him for granted. Thought he was going to be here forever. Now he is not sure what he wants. He wants me to give him time. But it hurts so much. I feel physically sick. Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks
I would say if there is no one else, then you have a good shot at staying together.
So long as he is not deciding between you and someone else, it is a simple choice. He maybe questioning everything but as long as he does not use the word "conflicted" then you are ok.
Give him some space, no one likes pressure.
I say this generally because I do not know you, so get in shape, dress up like when you were dating, look and smell good all the time. Make yourself as attractive as possible. Fight for him. Let him know you care about him and you want him. You have to do things not just talk, saying I love you a thousand times is not the same thing as just once filling up his gas tank for him or take his clothes to be dry cleaned, anything that he currently does for himself, you do for him. But just do it, don't make a big deal out of letting him know you did it. He will know.
Getting him a drink, serve him but be not subservient to him. There is a difference.
Be nice to him, as you said, you have not in the past few years.
Men want simple things, respect, love, ego boost now and then and of course sex.
Picture in your head being with him in the future, look down the road, so the mind can conceive the body can do.
I will do the things you mentioned. I never really thought about that. I just did not want to push him because if I push him he may just leave. He has told me there is noone else and I do believe him. It is nice to have other people to talk to about this.
He wants to have a trial separation but we live in the same house. I am not sure if I can do that. We are suppose to talk again today, but it hurts so much when we talk because to me it just seems we are getting closer to the end of our relationship.
How exactly do you have a trial separation in the same house?
Answer, you can't
He needs to move out if he is the one who needs a separation.
You can't have reconciliation without some away time.
He needs to know if he is going to miss you, miss the kids, miss his house or miss his life.
How are you financially?
Can you make it without him around?
Once this process starts, it has to run to the end.
Otherwise, there will always be a question in everybody's mind and it will rear up again.
There is a road of hurt ahead for both of you and the children.
Feel it, cry, cry some more, let it go over you then let go of it.
Your feelings will become like waves against a wall, keep the wall short in your mind so the feelings will go over you. The bigger you build the wall and ignore your feelings the bigger the fall you will have later when the wall breaks.
Abuse every friend you have or strangers or co-workers, keep it positive never cast him in a bad light. When or if you reconcile these people will have a hard time relating to him in the future.
But a big caviat, never turn towards another man for support, use all the women you know. You could risk forming an emotional bond with a man while you pour out your heart and that would be the end of your marriage.
Always stop short of showing any negative emotion when the kids are around. Wait for when you are alone or with friends. Keep yourself on the high road, no negative comments about their father, never. Keep your morals, your character, keep who you are on the high road. Then you have nothing to regret later how ever it works out.
At this point, there is really no choice.
Keep a journal, electronic like here, or paper.
People let things go if they write it down.
Most of all, give him space, he needs to be out of the house. No separation in the house, otherwise you become the maid.
Keep the house, dishes, laundry and he gets to play with the kids and then leave anytime he wants.
Usually in life, the woman is the first to fall in love so the saying goes, first in, first out, last in, last out.
As long as you guys do not have the big problems like, addiction, abuse (verbal or physical), infidelity, illegal things, and money, although I never money was actually a problem with marriage but it can be a catalyst for divorce.
When he is out of the house, don't call him, if you do keep it short like for scheduling the kids. Don't talk about feelings on the phone, too easy to hang up. No pressure.
Don't ever use sex, let me repeat, don't ever use sex to get him back. It will never work.
Find some place to scream where other people will not hear you. For me I did it in the car all the time. Scream until you can't talk, cry, go to Cosco or Sam's and get big boxes of lotion tissue, it will come in handy. Go there, scream, rage, yell, beat things like sticks, throw rocks, whatever. It will help.
No alcohol, never, it will not help.
The last bit of advice I can give, it will get better, no matter how it goes or how dark it gets, you reconcile, you divorce. Somewhere down the road it will be better.
I promise. I never thought so at the time, but it is better for me, life changes, maybe he is not forever, maybe you are not forever for him. There will be something down the road. Even if you are religious or not, this phrase of somewhere God opens a window applies anyway or Fate opens a window.
Be good to yourself, I'll be here for you one way or another.
It really helps to have someone that has been through this.
He has decided not to have the trial separation that we will leave things the way they are and we will talk about it again next weekend. In the mean time he still needs time.
I am so confused. When he said that we will not do the separation right now and we will talk next weekend he said not to read anything into it he hasn't decided anything yet.
He does not want to give me false hope. He wants me to prepare for the worse in case he does leave.
He says he does not want to give me the impression that he is staying or leaving. He does not want me to read anything into what he is doing so he says that is why is spending some time with me and some time without me at home.
All he says to me is he needs TIME I am starting to really hate that word.
I have so many things going through my head. I want to have hope that he is going to stay but I also have to prepare myself that he is going to leave.
I want to give him the trial separation hoping he will miss me, the kids, the house and his life. But it is going to be very hard on me knowing he is out there doing who knows what.
The problem with the trial separation is he says he has no place to go. He won't go to his parents house and he really doesn't have any close friends he can stay with. I think if he had someplace to stay we would have the trial separation.
I told him I could go to my parents house but he does not want me to do that.
Yesterday when we talked about the trial separation he is the one that wanted to give me a day or two to think about the trial separation and let him know but then today he says lets just leave things the way they are and will talk again next weekend.
I have been off over the Christmas holidays but on Monday it is back to work back to school for the kids and back to my regular life so I am not sure how things are going to go.
Financially it is going to be hard but he did say he will help me out as much as he can because he wants me and the kids to stay in the house. He said he does not need very much money to live. He wants to take care of us.
He also said that if he does leave he will still come over and cut the grass and snowblow the driveway.
I told him I don't want that if he is going to leave then he has to totally leave. It would be way to confusing for me and twice as hard. Maybe as time goes on I will be okay with him coming over and doing those things but it will definately take time.
I hope I can take this a day at a time but I may be writing here alot and need some support.
I feel better just writing this down and having someone here to listen. If I have to do this everyday to get me through this I will.
He has never experienced separation, I know it will hurt him immensely, especially if he is close to the kids. There will be sounds he will not hear, smells he has been accustomed to that he will not smell, a daily routine he will not have, being alone that will be a big one, just simple everyday things he will not have from now on in a separation.
The kids maybe the single deciding factor for him, but remember he is leaving or staying with you, not the kids.
You are so right about the lawn and snow-blowing, he needs to leave and let you grieve if that is where it is going.
He can't be your best friend anymore, he is only the children's father from now on. You would have to think of him that way also if it goes down that way.
My H really loves his kids that is what is going to hurt the most. I also know he does not like to be alone. At one time he did not like to be alone but recently he is starting to deal with it and says it is not so bad.
I am thinking about seeing a counselor for myself. I think it is a good idea one way or the other.
I know this can be very difficult to do, as I went/going thru it.
Concentrating on the NOW, right now, focus every bit of energy you have on what you are doing right now.
The reason is, I know your mind is wondering around, thinking about what he said, "???" or when he said what?.
This will drive you crazy.
Try and focus your energy and your concentration on mundane things you do all the time but never think about it.
I want you to look at your fingers as you type, notice everything as you drive, focus on your kids, look at them, really look at them and the journey you are taking with them.
This will really help keep your mind from wondering around and pulling you down. Try, try some more and keep trying.
You will find it really amazing how much you miss in everyday interaction with the kids. How they tilt their head, the strands of their hair, the sound of their laughter, the size of their shoes etc. I could go on.
Most importantly, concentrate on the journey.
It is not from Point A to Point B you are trying to get to,
A ---:-)):]:3:c):>=]8)=)C:---- B,
it is all the stuff
"---:-)):]:3:c):>=]8)=)C:----"
inbetween that we all may miss.
Exercise the hell out of yourself, make yourself naturally tired by working out, stick to a regiment, my friend Kath in Australia swims, I personally do the Tabata and I got P90X for my daughter for Christmas, I've been working on that.
If you are not into hard exercise there is: Yoga, running club, aerobics, belly dance, Karate, Kung Fu, Boxing anything and everything is available.
You can do this, no matter the outcome, this advice I am dishing out is good forever.
Last edited by outinthecold; 01-03-2010 at 06:27 PM.
A friend of mine told me that it was not shame I felt when looking at my X.
Which I have not done since last August.
Yes, it is difficult to do, but I have not looked at my X since last August.
I usually look down or at the kids or somewhere else, I avoid any kind of facial direct looking of any kind.
My friend told me it was because we no longer had any kind of connection.
That looking at her I would look for that since I was the one that was left.
Maybe someday but not now, not today.
Maybe when I'm really old and my eye sight is really bad.
I know there are many men who leave their wives, I know what it is like.
Horrible feeling it is, being the one that is left to take care of the kids, take of the mess, buying tampons (something new for me) and bras, managing the household on my own.
No one to talk to, rather no female person you can say those thoughts only couples talk about.
I'll just stick to my guy friends for now.
I know now when those guys in the movies buy a hooker to just talk to and lay in bed with their arms around each other in a deep hug.
Mate, I know what you're feeling. My wife has just started an affair. She says she doesn't want to leave me - or me to leave her - but she doesn't want to leave the other guy either!
I'm not sure it better or worse than your case.
I've decided to start a blog. Check it out there's only two posts, but I'll try to add more AS IT HAPPENS plus some thoughts.
Re: It hurts sooooo bad right now ...
):]:3:c):>=]8)=)C:---- B, 
