My daughter and I had a long talk about our emotions.
She is so fearful of giving herself in love to her best friend/old boyfriend.
Boys seem to be falling in love with her these days (new guy she is dating). She is really a beautiful girl, not just for the way she looks, but she is a deep person with a giant intellect with an edge to her. No makeup for this girl, I hardly ever see her dress up.
I know she is smarter than me.
I said the future holds so much promise, it is the future, each branch or choice we make leads us to to another branch or choice.
I sometimes have so much clarity, then it is clouded with emotions.
This morning I woke up, saw my whole situation as a struggle in life. A struggle I must embrace.
Maybe my wife and I are not meant to be forever. Or maybe, she and I need to fix each other before we meet again.
Maybe we are forever
Only time will tell.
I'm not religious but, sometimes in my life it seems coincidental, that a door closes and then a window opens somewhere.
It has happened to me so many times in my life. Like when I met my wife 24 years ago.
I just don't know.
What I do know is that I must get better, I must overcome my passive-aggressive-psychological-disorder it will hinder me for the rest of my life.
I must also not pass it on to my daughters.
Today, I embrace everything, I'm gonna feel everything, I'm gonna do the things I enjoy, I'm gonna give my opinions without fear, I will do things now without waiting, I will learn to love myself.
Most important, I'm gonna love my kids with every drop of blood I have.
My wife gave me four gifts and the fifth the gift of clarity.
I flew into Orange County once to the John Wayne airport. Nicest airport I have been too, other than San Jose.
Nice an small, get your own luggage, probably not that way now.
Hay Dave, your on here alot, I see you try and help everybody, you are a good man. I appreciate you.
My wife is still keeping her distance. She said to me today, I acknowledge that I loved you all those years. Which she would not say before, only she was infatuated with me and not really in love.
After some discussion about something she saw on Discovery channel, we had a nice discussion about feelings. How I should keep from talking about my feelings with her, but it was not hurtful. She said a few months ago I would not consider you as a friend, but now we'll see.
When she said that, I saw something in her eyes, it was not complete darkness that I have seen so much these past few months. I saw something, just not darkness and ambilivence.
Maybe we are not ment to be forever, maybe our journeys together ends here, but I'm gonna hang on just a little bit longer.
I am alright today, mowed the lawn, repeated the 17 ways to love yourself. Gave myself some praise.
I'm going to run now for about 4 miles.
I am going to a movie tonight with myself, "Drag Me To Hell" I love terror films.
I had almost given up all the things I like to do, cook, watch horrors films, play soccer, play tennis, video games (counter strike) although I need a faster computer, play with my daughters, joke around with my daughters, little seven year old wrestling.
I really do love myself, everybody try it. Go to the mirror and repeat, "I Love You, your good person, I forgive you, you did awesome today"
At first it seemed hokey but, now I like it.
I'll keep writing, one of these days I'm gonna say, I woke this morning and I'm really really really ok.
People are automatically attracted to people who exhibit love for themselves. Not in a narcissistic way, but you have peace when you love yourself, forgive yourself, praise yourself, appreciate yourself, thank yourself for just getting up in the morning.
You have another day to live in this beautiful world.
I am feeling a little apprehensive today. The theory of mingling particles is really taking a toll on me today.
The theory goes, that particles mingle somewhere in space, then the particles can't exist without the mingled particles. Psychologists applied this theory to humans. I heard this on Science Friday a few weeks ago.
They tested couples who had been together more than 10 years. They put one spouse in one room and the other totally hidden but close in a separate room. Nothing connected.
One spouse would listen to music, read, look at magazines. The other spouse was shown random pictures with a picture of their spouse mixed in. When they were shown the picture of their spouse, their blood pressure would go up, their heart would increase, their body temperature would go up and so on. Nothing unusual, but what was unusual, the spouse who could not be seen also had the exact same reaction at the exact same moment.
Psychologists say that particles, let's say the essence of who we are mingle over a period of time (maybe this explains chemistry) and they now can't do without each other. Our bodies become one, sort of. This might also explain why an older spouse dies and a short time later the other spouse dies. Their essence is gone and their bodies can't live without it.
I'm there right now, I've had no physical contact with my wife in about two days, I think I need some contact or my body is out of wack. If this theory is true, it also applies to her.