Let me start off by acknowledging that I know I cannot chnage my wife. Only she can if she so chooses. However, we have been fighting for over 4 months centered around a single issue which is:
I feel that we have grown apart over our 15 years of marriage. I no longer feel connected to her as a wife. We have no intimacy to speak of (in conversation, sexual and non-sexual contact). This has been the case for many years.
I have repeatedly expressed my feelings that I only want to experience genuine closeness with her again. I have asked her what changes she would like to see in me and what she needs from me (stating that I get to choose whether I do them or not). She "needs nothing more" from me and "does not want me to change" in anyway.
She says she feels like I want her to change her behavior, which is true. She also says she does not know how to behave around me anymore, but does not want to hear any suggestions from me. If she did, I would tell her that I would like her to be kinder and more compassionate (she knows I am going through a real rough time right now our marriage aside), I would like her to say she loves me and touch me in a non-sexual way and act like she wants to make love to me (when we were having sex I felt more like her personal orgasm device).
We have been in therapy for about 3 months (couples and individual) and I feel this has caused her to further wall me off. She stated she is in "day by day" mode right now and is not thinking beyond that about how we patch up our relationship.
I am thinking more about leaving her than staying now, but I do still love her and we have kids to think about.
Again, I am trying to show empathy and kindness toward her, but end up feeling rejected as a result. I have respect myself enough to know that I can't go on like this indefinitely.
Sounds like she has alreay moved on emotionally from the marriage and despite counseling, does not want to return emotionally or physically. This happens sometimes after years of unresolved conflict where RESENTMENT sets it. Once it does, its very difficult if not impossible to break through.
You could break through but it would take patience, persistance and she "MAY" open her heart back up to you. It's not a sure thing though.
Were the elements and behaviors that you are looking for, ever a part of who she was?
In my case, all of the emotional support, affection, and interest that my spouse invested in the marriage and me, literally evaporated once we had children.
I accepted that our relationship would diminish, or change, with kids. I was not prepared for it to vanish.
Consequently, my requests to reconnect were viewed by her as yet another 'body' wanting something from her, and she resented it.
It sounds like you are being very understanding trying to see where your wife is coming from, which is a very good thing. If she's not willing to tell you what she wants, maybe theres things you can do to woo her... surprising her with flowers, there's a book called the love dare, my friend did it with her husband... it's a book for 30 days and something to do or think about everyday. Keep trying and hopefully she'll come around, but she has to work at this too... it can't just be one person trying to make things better.
Sounds like she has alreay moved on emotionally from the marriage and despite counseling, does not want to return emotionally or physically. This happens sometimes after years of unresolved conflict where RESENTMENT sets it. Once it does, its very difficult if not impossible to break through.
You could break through but it would take patience, persistance and she "MAY" open her heart back up to you. It's not a sure thing though.
Yes, I feel there is resentment on her part and mine as well. I have gotten to the point where I realized I cannot hope for a better past, only a brighter future. Hopefully she will join me there. It is very frustrating to be with someone you love who will not open up. I think some of this has to do with the way men have treated her in her past, but I don't know if she is willing to explore that.
My therapist has told me she is unlikely to open up given her past. Her therapist has recommended she read a book about living with a crazy person. Our couples therapist points out that nothing will change until kindness and compassion return to the relationship.
It sounds like you are being very understanding trying to see where your wife is coming from, which is a very good thing. If she's not willing to tell you what she wants, maybe theres things you can do to woo her... surprising her with flowers, there's a book called the love dare, my friend did it with her husband... it's a book for 30 days and something to do or think about everyday. Keep trying and hopefully she'll come around, but she has to work at this too... it can't just be one person trying to make things better.
Thanks for the suggestions. We both read 5 Love Languages. Mine is physical touch. Hers is quality time. She is so far unwilling to have the book (and therapist) suggested conversation about what these languages mean to each of us specifically from each of our perspectives. Again, I think she is afraid to hear how I want her to behave differently b/c she will feel controlled somehow (even though the choice to do these things is up to her).
Wooing doesn't have an effect. She responds to my attempts to win her over or complement her by saying "you are suppose to do these things, or feel this way about me b/c you are my husband." Pretty much marginalizes my efforts...
Hunh ... interesting that you mention the 5 Love Languages, I took some test, (posted from here I think ...) and I came out at 47% physical touch. My wife came out as *ding ding* quality time. Her quality time was family time, or the notion of my allowing her time to pursue what she wanted to pursue. She didn't view quality time as time we spent together - because if it was quality time between she and I, that meant I would want sex.
Is it something you did, or just something someone else did that caused the resentment?
I really don't know. She admits resenting me because I am not happy in a marriage she thinks I should be happy in. This is recent history. I think there may be some unresolved issues with me and or men in general.
My wife came out as *ding ding* quality time. Her quality time was family time, or the notion of my allowing her time to pursue what she wanted to pursue. She didn't view quality time as time we spent together - because if it was quality time between she and I, that meant I would want sex.
My wife clarifed for me that her love language is quality time "but not necessarily just with you". Meaning her friends, family, etc. Nice, huh?
Is there a possibility of someone else being in the picture? Either an emotional affair or something with a close friend or coworker? She is emotionally distant from you and there has to be a reason why. Either this has been brewing for awhile or....there is someone else. Councelling is a great start for you two as well as relationship books. Not sure what else to suggest to you guys. Good Luck.
Do you think she knows what the past resentments are that she has against you? did you used to drink?
I am sure she could figure out the source(s) of her resentment if she wanted to. My best guess now is that she resents me for not being happy with our marriage. Her mantra these days is "I was happy with our relationship until you said you were not."
Yes I used to drink but stopped before we were married and have been sober for 17 years.
How do I lovingly ask my wife to change? 
