Looking for a woman's perspective on this one.....Here's the scenario: I have a strong desire to make love to my wife almost daily. She, on the other hand could go days or weeks without sex. She feels that holding hands is being intimate enough and this alone should satisfy both of our physical desires. First off, is it selfish for me to express my sexual needs to her? She feels that this is making demands of her. Second, is the act of holding hands by itself really considered intimacy? Personally, I consider it showing affection, but maybe I'm wrong on this one. Finally, what reasonable solution or approach might I try in this situation? I love her dearly, but want to make love to her so much more. I don't understand why I should feel bad about this.
Your first question : no, I don't think it's selfish of you to articulate your desire for more sex. Where the compromise is needed is how much that actually happens. There is no harm in bringing the subject up and (hopefully) having some rational discourse about it.
Your second question: Yes, holding hands is intimacy, but there are many forms of intimacy - all of which are necessary for a good relationship, IMO. The overriding one which can help all the others is emotional intimacy. A good foundation in that will help the others immensely. In other words, you should both listen to each others needs in that department, sympathise and BOTH work for the middle ground.
How have your attempts in doing that worked? Does she show sympathy or concern that you aren't feeling fulfilled in that way?
Far as frequency of sex, could be she is tired, could be female related problems too as well as emotional ones.
Several years ago when in my early 30's I was dating man who had a very strong sex drive... most of which was because he did not have the type of job I did that took all your energy away !
so...
I told him to paint the house. He would paint and paint and paint
lol... which helped rid him of some of that energy
and I ended up with a real purty house.
Maybe you can do things to physically exert yourself so you will be tired too.
?
yes I'm serious...
maybe her job is super physicaly and emotionally demanding as mine was...
as the man I was with at the time had NO WHERE NEAR the activity at work I did, so when we were together, he was all ready to go !
Someone suggested to me to put him to work and the house painting was my idea.
It did curtail his sex drive some............
guess not only to tire him out but also give him something else to do than think about his penis.
Periodically, my wife and I will have discussions on sex (or lack thereof) and I don't get far in making my point unless I let my wife understand how serious I am. Most of the time, she'll make me feel like I'm the one with the problem (i.e. - I'm just an oversexed dog). Otherwise, I get the normal "knee jerk" responses from her like "I'm too tired" or "I've got a headache." Perhaps I've caused the problem by letting her get away with these excuses for so long. So to answer your question, I think it stresses her out when I bring up this subject so therefore it's very difficult if not impossible to get any sympathy from her.
I've read many self help articles on the subject and bent over backwards to make her life as minimally stressful as possible and to shower her constantly with love and kindness. This has done nothing.
Preso:
I'm coming to the conclusion that my wife simply has very little interest in sex. It has such little importance to her that she rarely thinks about it. IMO, I think a large part of this stems from her upbringing. Kinda sad, considering she was wild and crazy during the first few years we were together.
yes I'm serious...
maybe her job is super physicaly and emotionally demanding as mine was...
as the man I was with at the time had NO WHERE NEAR the activity at work I did, so when we were together, he was all ready to go !
Someone suggested to me to put him to work and the house painting was my idea.
It did curtail his sex drive some............
guess not only to tire him out but also give him something else to do than think about his penis.
Well, I have a pretty demanding job as does my wife. I can tell you, if either of our jobs had a continuing negative impact on our relationship, then the job would go. And quick.
Believe it or not, men do think about things other than our penis, such as, What can I do for my wife today?
By the way, did you ever go back to my other post and read on? You really jumped to conclusions with your response.
I'm coming to the conclusion that my wife simply has very little interest in sex. It has such little importance to her that she rarely thinks about it. IMO, I think a large part of this stems from her upbringing. Kinda sad, considering she was wild and crazy during the first few years we were together.
Thanks for your responses!
That could be...
sex is only part of a relationship, not the relationship and couples once together for some time, often wane off on the frequency as true intimacy of the emotional kind sets in.
My husband and I are both in the 50 ish age range and
we do not have sex very often and neither of us minds, we have discussed it and he said he was ok with sex now and then. I was glad because I do not feel like having sex every day like I did when I was in my 20's.
When we do have sex, we both enjoy it and comment we should do it more often, but we don't and thats fine by me. He does not cheat on me, I guess he is just not highly sexed, which I love about him. In my past I was with men who were and it's just too much drama.
This makes me think, if you get divorced, maybe you should seek a woman based on her sex drive if this is a major consideration for you to be highly sexual throughout life. For me it is not a priority and any man I would be with, it would not be for him either.
[QUOTE=mjr810;60950]Well, I have a pretty demanding job as does my wife. I can tell you, if either of our jobs had a continuing negative impact on our relationship, then the job would go. And quick.
QUOTE]
you are lucky then as most people do not have that option to drop a job to have better sex. More so in this economy.
Well, I have a pretty demanding job as does my wife. I can tell you, if either of our jobs had a continuing negative impact on our relationship, then the job would go. And quick.
QUOTE]
you are lucky then as most people do not have that option to drop a job to have better sex. More so in this economy.
We all have that option, if only you believe it.
I would like to share with you something that my father shared with me at a very young age. I don't know where he got it but I am ever thankful that he took the time with me and my siblings and encouraged us to look deep into our souls to find happiness...and not to search for it outside of ourselves.
It goes something like this...
Often people will put little value things that didn't cost them anything and things they pay money for, they value. The paradox is that exactly the reverse is true. Everything that is really worthwhile in life came to us free. Our mind, our body, our soul, our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions, our intelligence, our love of family (including spouses), children, and friends. All these priceless possessions are free but things things that cost us money are actually very cheap and can be replaced at any time. A good man can be completely wiped out and make another fortune. He can do that several times. Even if our home burns downs we can rebuild it. But the things we got for nothing we can never replace.
I have held on to this for my entire adult life and it has set me free. Maybe it can help you, too.
If you're not getting what YOU want, tell her she's going to lose you due to lack of interest. And if she won't change, get rid of her.
Sex is a major part of love and companionship and marriage. Get yours or get it elsewhere (without her in your life).
There's no reason to live life like this. Get out if you have to.
I'm 50ish, too and would make love (not just fu.k!) every day (but that's negotiable). If she didn't want it at all...I'd look elsewhere for someone that I could make happy..because that would make me happy, too.
NWguy... are you me? I could have written EXACTLY what you wrote.
It was a whirlwind of fun and excitement at first, and then bait n' switched into exactly what you said. Normal excuses, and making ME out to be the one with the problem. I tried what all the women here said (make her life easier, see to her needs) and it didn't result in more sex.
I wish there was a reliable way to fix it. Some guys get lucky and their wives realize it actually IS a problem before its too late. She isn't going to change until SHE wants to.
Lucky for us older woman, so many men in our age group are more talk than action when it comes to sex...
lol
My husband and I did not marry for sex, we married for love and companionship and because we had similair values in life. We agree on most all the big issues.
Like all relationships, nothings perfect, but our issues minor in the big scope of relationships and marriage. I am thankful for that.
Maybe the best thing would be for people should wait to marry until after 40? lol....
as peoples lives are established by then, occupations, lifestyle and they are more mature.
Thanks everyone for the added comments. I share many of your views. My wife has shown some progress over the past few days, so that's encouraging. I'll see how long this continues and report back. The one thing that amazes me is how much the two of us enjoy a hot night together. That alone gets me psyched for the next time. Which brings to mind a question. Ladies, is there a residual effect after a great night of sex? In other words, does the momentum of multiple "O's" carry over to the next day, or does a women's libido shut down and need to be started all over again? It always amazes me how there's a Jekyll and Hyde affect with my wife. After having a screaming night of passion, it's like nothing happened the next morning. Why is this?
Sex: Finding the Middle Ground 
