Am I wasting my time? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Am I wasting my time?

I apologise in advance for the long post.
I'm just so confused…so lonely..

I'm tired of trying, being the only one who seems to care about my marriage. We've beeen mariied over four years togetehr over 6 years.

My husband has mood swings and carries around a lot of anger with him, he's not a talker so makes things very difficult.
He lost his mum when he was 13 and his dad when he was 15 so he's had a rough life in care etc.

I blame myself all the time for why he is unhappy, he's constantly complainign how s**t his life is
He loses his temper breaks things, smashes things , swears a lot etc...
He only seems happy when everything is going right in life, but when we have struggles i.e money etc he doesn't cope well he pushes me away gets angry etc.
We have sex twice a month if that I'm 26 he's 37.
I have a fairly high sex drive which makes this diifcult, he never gives me any affection.
He never approaches me for a kiss or a cuddle, I am a very kissy/cuddly perosn so this is hard too.
He says he loves me and can be kind but the lack of affection is driving me insane.
Its been this way for a long time.
We've gone to hell and back in our marriage lots of problems with his stepson, money, family, he smoked weed for years, infetility, his depression etc.
Most of the troubles he sails through locking me out and givin me the silent treatment.

It hurts really bad Im so lonely I nearly kissed another man the other night whilst I was drunk, I was cravin just for a hug…some attention and someone to listen to me.

My husband and I don't communicate very well, he withdarws and I feelin like I'm nagging him to talk, he gets frustrated with me very easily, blows up and then we don't speak.

Hence the reason why I won't talk to him right now about how I feel I don’t think I can deal with the hassle or the cold shoulder.
I love him but I feel like a stupid love sick puppy waiting around for any scrap of affection he'll throw me
He is a very awkward man but when he is good he is amazing he's kind caring and funny my fmaily love him but behind closed doors he's a depressive angry monster.

I feel lonely and unloved I don't want to beg or nag for love and affection
I want affection and love not necessarily sex just cuddles and kisses even
I want I don't want my heart to hurt anymore I'm a good wife to him and have been more than patient with certain sitautions over the years.
He knows his actions hurt me and sometimes apologises althought that is rare and that’s what hurts me the most
All I want is to be loved... His reaction is normally- 'if you're not happy then go' what do I do go? No suggestion that we work it out...

Is it me expecting too much?
DO I mean anythign to him?

When there are days…weeks that go by and he shows me NO affection at all is it any wonder I feel the way I do
Im attractive I'm well dressed, make an effort in the bedroom when we do it, he's always fully satisfied!
I on the other hand get oral sex maybe three or four times a year if I'm lucky
When we have sex it is fab so why doesn't he want is more often? Confused….
Lots more to this story but he knows how I feel about him I just wish his a**hole behaviour I wish I could not let it affect me so much
Shall I justy pack up and go
Six years I've been with him and given him my heart and soul

He denies any responsibility for anything its always someone elses fault, he'd never got o counselling I know if I suggested it...

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 08:21 AM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

You deserve so much more than this. I would start with marriage counseling so he can get his priorities straight. Sounds like his past is clouding his present and future. Communication and getting your needs met are so important in marriage. Both are lacking here.

Wow. I feel your pain! I would recommend the 5 languages of love, but there is a lot more going on here. Does he want things to get better?
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

thank you so much for your reply.
He has jsut sent me a message on my phone saying he loves me...
Hes been really stressed the past few weeks tryign to fix his van and been distant and angry about it all.
Now his van is fixed he is creepin to me...

I know he's checking out how the land lies before I get home later. He's feelign guilty now... I know him too well
He may even apologise have sex with me and maybe I'll give in because I'm so starved of affection
Before when we've had problems after sex I break down into an emotional mess becuase one minute there's no affection and then full on passionate loving sex... it messes with my head. I feel loved by him again then...but the pattern repeats and it eventually happens again.

I don't even know how to speak with him about it all...
without gettign upset and lookin like a total idiot
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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 08:50 AM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

He is abusive and needs mental help. Tell him you need him to start going to therapy. If he refuses, tell him you are leaving. Period.

Warning, though, if his abusive nature runs deep, it's unlikely he can be fixed.

For you, go get this book and read it asap: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It will be a lifesaver.
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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

That is what I fear I fear the way he is is permanent and beyond help..
I will try to talk to him tonight and tell him how I feel x
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 09:46 AM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

When you talk to someone who makes you unhappy, do NOT make it a 'you do this and that wrong' speech. He will shut down and stop listening in the first sentence and he will turn it all around to be all your fault.

You need to read up on boundaries first. What you have is a bunch of missing boundaries - what YOU need to feel safe, respected, and loved. What you do with them is state them to him, and when he crosses your boundary, you give him a consequence.

Easy example: "I deserve not to be yelled at. If you raise your voice, I will leave the room. If you follow me to another room and raise your voice again, I will leave the house. If you start yelling again when I come home, I will pack a bag and go to a hotel for a night. If you do it again when I return tomorrow, I'll pack for a week. If you still do it, I will move out and you'll only have yourself to yell at."

That is NOT you telling him what to do. It is you telling him what YOU will do if he disrespects you. That way, you are not beholden to him to honor your rights. YOU do it.

A great book to read before you talk again is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend:
Establishing and understanding boundaries are crucial to the success of a marriage, according to authors Cloud and Townsend, who cowrote the award-winning and biblically-based book Boundaries. For example, boundaries help us understand where one person ends and the other begins, the authors claim: "Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning the problem we are wrestling with," they write. "This issue of ownership is vital to any relationship, especially marriage." But more significantly, couples need to claim and take responsibility for the "treasures that lie within their individual borders," such as: "feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love." Based on the book that elevated them to national prominence, Cloud and Townsend caution readers not to use this self-help manifesto as a means to change one's spouse. Rather, this is a book about taking responsibility for oneself in all aspects of life, but especially within the boundaries of marital commitment.
Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310243144: Books
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

Thank you for your reply I've got home tonight I'm trying to be nice and he's very short answered and snappy.
Maybe tonight isn't the best night to talk
I'm fed up
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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 03:00 PM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

You can always just move out (or move him out) and tell him if he wants to stay together, he can earn his way back.
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-13-2012, 02:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

I kissed him on the lips before I went to sleep.
He didn't cuddle up to me or anything and big gap between us all night in the bed.
I hate guessing how he feels it hurts.
I guess the reason I won't tell him to get out is because he has no money nowhere to go, no family. I work full time and pay all the bills he'd never cope alone.

We only rent our home and have no children so lucky in that way.

I guess I think if I told him to go he'd never come back
What does that tell me hey
Feel so stupid like I'm trying to hang on to someone who doesn't want me anymore.
He text me yesterday saying he loved me???
I asked him if he was going to work today (he works part time sefl employed) he snapped at me saying 'why are you asking me if I'm going to work, you never ask me if I'm going to work'

I was just trying to make conversation... break the ice....

I feel like sayign things to him and I freeze, the lump comes in my throat, my stomach ties in knots and I chicken out...

I have so many nice memories holidays funt imes etc.. I feel this is the only reason I am holding on soemtimes wanting what he was years ago and hoping to get that fun loving guy back

What if he wants to leave me and won't say.
He's either shouting and ranting never holding his opinions in or silent....
He talks to me when other people are about as if I'm a friend... talks in conversation etc.??? very odd

I'm fed up tryign to read this man

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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-13-2012, 09:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

no texts off him today
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-13-2012, 09:38 AM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

Originally Posted by sljl060908 View Post
I guess I think if I told him to go he'd never come back
Is that all you're worth?

Keeping your mouth shut, doing what you're told, ensuring you don't piss him off, not even dreaming of getting what YOU want...just so he won't leave?

Are you that desperate to have a man in the house that you turn into a slave?

Please read Why Does He Do That.
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-13-2012, 09:52 AM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

Excerpts from the book:

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me-he just loses control.”
“He can be sweet and gentle.”
“He’s scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children – he’s a great father.”
“He’s had a really hard life…”
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day.

The Power of those wonderful early months. Like any love-struck person, she runs around telling her friends and family what a terrific guy he is. After talking him up so much, she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins, so she keeps it to herself for a long time.

Occasionally an abused woman may decide to touch her partner off herself [make him angry] at this point, as scary as that is, because the fear of waiting to see what he will do and when he will do it is worse.

Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple ‘abuse each other’ and that the relationship has been ‘mutually hurtful’.

Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she’s being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may also sometimes use these tactics just to get her upset or confused. Your partner’s abusive incidents may follow no pattern, so you can never guess what will happen next…Random abuse can be particularly deleterious psychologically to you and to your children.

Life with an abuser can be a dizzying wave of exciting good times and painful periods of verbal, physical, or sexual assault. The longer the relationships lasts, the short and farther apart the positive periods tend to become.

He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior. Suppose you complain about being silenced by his constant interruptions. He then gets a huffy, hostile tone in his voice as if your objection were unfair to

him and says sarcastically, “All right, I’ll just listen and you talk,” and acts as if you are oppressing him by calling him on his behavior.

He says such things as: “You’re too sensitive; every little thing bothers you.”

He becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in sex with him, he says, “you must be getting it somewhere else.

With an abuser, no way to bring up a complaint is the right way. You can wait until the calmest, most relaxed evening, prepare your partner with plenty of verbal stroking, express your grievance in mild language, but he still won’t be willing to take it in.

He takes advantage of you financially, interferes with your job or your school, causes damage to your relationships, tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy.

He says he’ll stop some form of abuse if you give up something that bothers him, which is usually something you have every right to do.

Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is.

Most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him.
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-14-2012, 02:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

Wow many things ring true in there... shocking really...thanks for that I do appreciate it

I spoke with him last night I'd had enough of the silent treatment...
Turns out I've been witholding affection from him! As if..
I told him when you are angry and p***ed off I get frightened and I stay away from you because you say nasty things...

He says I over analyse things I'm too sensitive and I look at the internet too much and I need to live in 'the real world'

he says he's not goin to work anymore.. he's being stubborn he's complained for weeks about not having a van so he can go do his gardeining jobs and now he's fixed it, he's not interested
I said you need to work to help me with the bills etc...he said he doesn't 'need' to do anything

I pay for most things the rent, council tax, water, gas, electric, insurance etc...
he on the other hand sees no reason he has to work.
He is acting like a child.

I went out for drinks on saturday to let my hair down and he accused me of ignoring him when I got back.
I told him yes I have been upset for weeks through your anger and lack of affection he was obvisuly hinting I'd been with another man

Trust me the way he neglects me and acts I shoudl have run off with another man along time ago but I'm not a cheater.

He says he'll live his life I'll live mine- no mention of breaking up.
He actually thinks I can live with him stay with him and just cut me off?
I told him it doesn't work like that. He always says this when we fight.
He is SO stubborn he won't go to marriage counselling.
He says he's just waiting to die...such a cheery bloke

Hi dad was absuive to his mum whilst growing up. NO excuse tho is it...

Anyway I felt better expressing how I felt he did get a bit defensive and say some hurtful things but at least he knows how I feel now..I've had enough and I told him.

He did say he will never change I asked him if he always been this way and he said yes.

He always manges to turn it around on me, he is full of self pity....

I love him one minute I'm strong and angry the next I'm sad and hurt. Why do I feel as if losignhim will ruin me completley?

You are right he can be the most nicest person ever kind etc...
Outsiders his customers and friends think he's a great guy guess thats why I question myself if it's me???? thats why its confusing.
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-14-2012, 09:14 AM
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Re: Am I wasting my time?

Are you ready to kick him out yet?
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