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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-26-2009, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

HeartySoul - I have tried... I have been trying to get him to quit for like 4 years now... I am not the type to just take his sh!t and throw it away... Because I do not want him to hate me. So what I have done in the past is let him know it is out of control and he needs to get his pot smoking in check. So together we have thrown everything out and cleared the entire house of any pot related stuff... And because it takes a couple of days to get out of your system... I have had Tylenol PM for when he can't sleep, things to do (like go out) so he doesn't think about it.

He has quit in the past for a month here, 2 months there... But never just gave it up. He has to be ready. When HE decided to quit smoking cigarettes he gave it up cold turkey and I supported his choice (I don't smoke). I never forced him to quit. It has been 3 1/2 years and he doesn't even think about cigarettes.

I don't think I could tell him about my fantasies.. I think he will resent me and push himself away from me completely. He will probably feel like less of a man and no longer feel the way he does about me. He is a jealous person so this could destroy his trust with me. He may feel as though any day now I am going to cheat on him... Even though he knows I won't...

Deejo - I have never given him an ultimatum and I am wondering if this is why he isn't listening to me. He knows he can continue to do it and I won't do anything about it. Or at least he thinks I won't leave him... But truthfully I don't even care anymore. I don't care if he smokes, I don't care what he does... I am so over the fact that he just ignores my requests...

I would love to do the separation thing but we have NEVER EVER separated in the course of our relationship. He has always said once we split up, THAT'S IT. No Break up Make up BS. So I have a feeling it is going to be a full out divorce.

We have talked divorce and he said if we break up I don't think I could ever trust anyone ever again? I am not sure why he would think this way... I have never given him a reason not to trust me. I just want him to grow up and be the man I know he can be.

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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-26-2009, 01:06 PM
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

Julie,

The threat of seperation might be just the thing to start his realization. It doesn't even have to be a "we are seperating for months or whatever timeline", it could be tell him to leave for a week.

My w did that to me. Now we have a child so I would come home after work and be with them until he went to bed and then leave for the night and repeat. Did that from a Sunday night until Friday night. I was a mess. Then I said something a couple of weeks later that pissed her off and had to do it for a night (My birthday of all days) and pissed her off again a little later and left for a week again.

Now the first one was the ultimatum, the next couple were more from her anger at me for "finally getting it".

What I'm saying is the seperation can work for him - if he is willing. Just remember that you will most likely be angry at him if he is willing for having to smack him upside the head like that to get his attention. That is where my w is now - she wants to punish, hurt from the anger.

Counseling is helping us both. But just remember, it does take two to tango. Issues get created from both of you and how you communicate about them. I know I am to blame for a lot between my w and me, but she does too. And it really isn't blame it is just how people interact with each other over time. Patterns get set and that can build over time.

Right now he is not listening to you. He hears what you say, but it isn't registering for some reason. You must look to see why for yourself whether the two of you make it or not so as not to repeat anything in the future. For my w it is her rigidity and argumentative style starting a conversation. She starts like that and I retreat. She gave an example to the counselor the other day and the counselor said, well that won't work with anyone you'll either get zingers right back or silence. I went silent. So think about it. Maybe go to counseling.
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-28-2009, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

So on Friday night he wanted to smoke, mind you, he smoked on Wed. and Thurs. So anyways I said NO YOU ARE NOT SMOKING!! He said but I only took a couple of hits, I said I don't care, you still smoked!

We were heading over to his parents house (he was going to smoke there) and I said why don't we grab a six pack and we'll drink some beers with them... He said no, I want to smoke. So, instead of going to his parents house we just went home.

Let me tell you about his parents... They used to smoke back in the days when they were in their 20's. His dad hasn't smoked since and his mom will take a couple of hits. But they BOTH know that I will leave my husband if he doesn't quit. Yet they continue to allow him to smoke when he goes to there house!

So anyways, he was sooo pissed that I would not let him smoke. He said, sometimes I wish I was single so I could do what I want, when I want without being controlled by you! Then he said maybe I need a girl who doesn't care what I DO! I said, so go find yourself someone who doesn't care about you, who doesn't care where your life goes, who doesn't care that you smoke and drive... If that's what you want!

We drove in silence for the next 10 min. I popped in a movie that we rented and watched it together... No talking...

After the movie he said sometimes I wonder if we should be looking for a house/condo? Because I don't think this relationship is going to work out.

All this because I wouldn't let him smoke. Makes me wonder. I think if I made him choose between ME or the POT - He would definitely choose the POT.
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-28-2009, 11:42 AM
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

Offer him a separation. See how life goes on his own. Make sure your money accounts are separated, though...

It ain't illegal until you're caught!
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-29-2009, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

Dcrim - I have thought about that. I think I will do it in two months though. I am going to start separating our bank accounts. I m going to change my direct deposit over to my account. I will also change all of the automatic withdrawals that belong to me over to my own account.
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-30-2009, 08:59 AM
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

I do not agree that sexy dreams are indicative of anything. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

What's happening in the OP's conscious world are serious issues.
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:19 PM
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I'd like to know how this story ended, as it has been a few years since this all went down! I'm in a kind of similar situation (and with the dreams, but about someone I know.)
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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Dreaming about another Man, Literally...

Unfortunately, the person who started this thread has not been on TAM for well over 7 years.

Highly doubt they will be back.
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