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Sexless Marriage

11K views 40 replies 31 participants last post by  ku1980rose 
#1 ·
I am a newbie here. After reading some posts, I realize that I am not alone in the "sexless" marriage department. I haven't done the deed in probably 2 months and I personally have 0% interest in it whatsoever. I'm sure that is due to my husband being an alcoholic, financial issues, etc. I am just curious to see what percentage of members here are in sexless marriages. If you are, is it you or your spouse that isn't interested or is it a mutual agreement?
 
#35 ·
I'm kind of in the same ballpark here. Been working with my wife to up the frequency of intimacy but we really just started on this trend. It was 3 times last week vs. the normal once a week, so improvement seems to be coming now.

Fingers crossed the trend continues...
 
#5 ·
My "sexless" marriage is due to my husband. He says he is stressed/tired/not in the mood, etc. I even had him go to the doctor. He was perscribed viagra, but he hasn't tried them. I think it had a lot to due with trying to have our ds. We tried for 2 yrs with lots of different fertility treatments & scheduled sex(who likes to be told when to do it lol) then he felt weird when I was pregnant. Our ds is 13 mo. old & we've maybe had sex 12x since he was born.
 
#7 ·
I'm a newlywed and I'm one of the tons of people here going through the same thing. I'm extremely sexual but my husband isn't and I'm suffering. I know that he is a sexual person because I know he owned porn and watched it before we got married and I've caught him a few times masturbating. I just can't understand why he just won't touch me. He's a great person and cares about me but I do believe that loving someone is not just providing for them. I'm SO depressed.
 
#9 ·
The drinking has been an issue since we've been together. You could say I was the stupid one for even sticking it out and then marrying him! I'm at a loss for what I will do. I want to keep it together for my 3 year old's sake. I can't imagine the heartbreak my son would have. I endured my parents divorcing when I was 7and it was the worst thing of my life. I don't recall my parents bad relationship, but I remember clearly the void of not having both parents. Hubby quit drinking for about 1 1/2 years and then we decided to have a child (I was nearing 37). My clock was ticking I guess. I lost complete trust in husband after he started drinking again when I was 4 months pregnant. I regret staying with him and cannot get over it completely. I was stupid enough to believe him that he was done that time. Right now, I am just dealing with a husband not coming home and left with my 3 year old son asking me where daddy is. He's a great father when he's around. He's a terrible partner. He has no interest in this relationship being a partnership. Sometimes I don't blame him though because I have issues with the lack of interest in sex. It's been that way after about 6 months together. I surely don't know how to fix it at this point.
 
#19 ·
Joe,
Typically a "core" boundary in a marriage is the unwillingness to tolerate a situation where your partner lacks a desire to:
1. Please you
2. Avoid causing you intense distress

Each day that passes reinforces the idea that you don't have that boundary.

The mature/controlled response to this type of situation is to gradually and steadily destabilize the relationship. You do that until either:
- She comes to you and starts making an effort to please you or
- You conclude that she is ok with a pure room mate/financial supporter marriage

Showing anger/sadness etc. all hurt your cause.

Being detached and focusing more and more what you want typically help your cause. Part of this is actually having a plan. If it was me, I would have cancelled Christmas in a very low key and rational manner by telling her that with the marriage in trouble the two of you need to cut back and start saving to ensure the child will have better financial stability regardless of what happens to the marriage. That does not mean you buy her nothing, and get yourself what you want. That means you put in place a tight budget that greatly limits both of your spending. And that includes no Christmas gifts.

Your W really didn't want you to roll over and put up with this nonsense when it started 1.5 years ago. Sadly she is now used to "husband is servant" mode partly because you keep trying harder and harder hoping she will throw you a crumb or two of sex.

Go to the experience project. You will find thousands of folks who lived their whole lives hoping their spouses would some day start treating them well. Most of them - if they had known what was going to happen would have risked the marriage to save it when they were young. And if it ended - at least they had a second shot at a normal life.
 
#21 ·
I think there are 2 schools of logic on sex within marriage - one of these which i dont think is mentioned being so long as there is intamacy of somesort then sex isnt essentially fundamental . (That said i average sex about twice a week which considering my husband is around usually only for weekends is quite impressive ). But i definatly fall into a camp of sex as a weapon or tool kind of person either by me or towards me.

At the end of the day my personal belief is far from my own experience so long as you and your partner are happy with your sex life be it frequent or sporatic then there really shouldnt be an issue .

Am i happy with my sex life would be a better poll because the answer to that is simple "NO" and i cant imagine my husband is either.
 
#22 ·
4way,

Why is sex a weapon or tool to you?
Why are you not happy with your sex life?


TE=4waysplit;525014]I think there are 2 schools of logic on sex within marriage - one of these which i dont think is mentioned being so long as there is intamacy of somesort then sex isnt essentially fundamental . (That said i average sex about twice a week which considering my husband is around usually only for weekends is quite impressive ). But i definatly fall into a camp of sex as a weapon or tool kind of person either by me or towards me.

At the end of the day my personal belief is far from my own experience so long as you and your partner are happy with your sex life be it frequent or sporatic then there really shouldnt be an issue .

Am i happy with my sex life would be a better poll because the answer to that is simple "NO" and i cant imagine my husband is either.[/QUOTE]
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#23 ·
me using it as a weapon - turning on the charm to have some peace and quiet. get some work done without him whinging he is far to busy snoring .

him using it as a weapon - I am no fool but my husband telling me he owns me and pushing me about during sex sends a pretty clear message of how he thinks about me.

And as for why i wouldnt be happy in my sex life - well if this was the kind of sex you were having would you be happy with it ?
 
#24 ·
The core issue here is addiction. Specifically, addiction to alcohol. It will win out first, last, and always; unless the addict makes a decision to get help. I am married to an alcoholic. You don't know crazy until you've survived a Christmas/holiday season with an alkie.

Their unexpected, unreliable, and downright looney behavior is enough for a spouse to shut down emotionally and physically. This is about a whole heckuva lot more than sex. It is about living with an addict.

The so-called "poll" isn't relevant in this situation, and I don't think the OP'er realizes that her husband's addiction has taken control of her life. ALCOHOLISM IS AN EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY DESTROYER, and it takes down everyone in its path.

Sex, schmex. When living with an addict, this is the first thing that generally flies out the door. The rest of the insanity going on in an addict's home assures that everyone cow-tow to the addict's latest whim-du-jour. Who the heck wants sex in such an unstable atmosphere?

OP, I sent you a PM. I hope you read it. You also should consider Al-Anon. I didn't get it when I crawled into my first meeting back in 1996. I finally got it, and it saved my life and my sanity.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
 
#25 ·
Sex was regular (3-4 times/wk.) in the beginning of my four-year marriage, but sex became much more rare (down to a couple of times in a year and since D-day due to my EA in June of this year, there has been nothing. We're working on the relationship, but I'm afraid that its going to be a long time before we can be sexual again, if we remain married.

The problem is that I have a very high libido, but I've pretty much screwed myself (no pun intended) out of any sex for who knows how long now...
 
#27 ·
Been married 17 months. Had sex 3 times. He has no confidence whatsoever and plays the "nice guy" approach. Which is not a turn on. He didn't even sleep in our bed for 10 months out of this marriage and he still thinks we have a marriage. I'm ready to move on. No sex can definitely kill a relationship, especially a brand new marriage. I want children. He claims he wants children. But, if he does, does he think they just appear out of thin air?

Sad
 
#29 ·
I have been married for 9 years, together for 11.....had sex usually 4-5 times a week the entire time. We had a fight in late september, had sex a week later, other sexual activity a week after that....and nothing since. She is not sure she loves me anymore.....I am trying to save my marriage. I need some action soon.
 
#30 ·
My husband constantly tells me that he has a headache, not in the mood, his stomach is upset, he has to get up early in the morning, and all of these start with "It's not that I don't want you" I have tried everything and I'm starting to think he is either bored with me or that he is doing the deed with someone else
 
#34 · (Edited)
I'm assuming you mean with my husband. If it's just by "my own means" then amend to 1-2/week. ;)

Hey, I barely have a MARRIAGE, never mind a sex life! "One thing at a time" he says...:rolleyes: :banghead:
 
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