Masturbating instead of sex?
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Old 01-17-2008, 09:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Masturbating instead of sex?

My husband and i have been married for almost 9 years, together for almost 12. For the most part we have a really great sexual relationship. When we do have sex it usually lasts 2-3 hours, sometimes more. I try to do all I can to make him happy - he doesn't ask for it, I just choose to do it..... we watch porn together - we use sex toys - I dress up for him - I send him porn pics - I send him dirty texts usually daily.

One problem is - he almost NEVER initiates sex - we talked about this NUMEROUS times and he says he will initiate it and then never does - more often than not we end up fighting when talking about it.

The other night something happened that I never thought I would find - keep in mind that earlier in the day I sent him a text telling him "I want sex" and a few more things that I will leave up to the imagination. After we put our kids to bed, the night was the same old same old - we watched some tv - he played a game on the computer and at about 11:00 he was done with the game and asked what I was watching. I told him nothing really - he could watch whatever he wanted - he put on the news - no big deal. After about 10 minutes, I dozed off - around 11:10. At 11:20 my dog woke me up to go outside - this was unusual because my husband was watching tv in the same room but now was not there. I let the dogs out and wondered where he was - I found the basement door closed so I went down - there he was watching a porn and jacking off.

Keep in mind I have NO problem with him watching porn or even taking care of himself, but, this particular day, I TOLD him I wanted sex and as usual I hoped he would let me know he wanted it to.

My reaction was "Nice Babe - real Nice" and I went back upstairs mad - he came up shortly and we discussed it a bit - but I was and still am as upset that he would rather take care of himself then come and let me know he needed some. He said he didn't want to wake me up - ok, not like I was in a deep sleep - I had just dozed off - while waiting for him to WANT to go to bed.

He said I was blowing the situation way out of proportion, but I felt that he would rather do himself than bother with me - do I have a right to be upset? We hardly ever fight, but when we do it's huge - right now I'm finding myself totally pissed about this situation and I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone close to me and tell them hey yeah, the hubby would rather jack off then let me know he wants some............

PLEASE HELP!
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Old 01-17-2008, 12:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

Well it sounds like you do everything you should and more. He was being selfish and with the options at hand I wonder myself why he would do such a thing. Yeah you deserve to be upset.

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Old 01-17-2008, 01:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

draconis - thanks for the reply - i was beginning to think no one would. Any suggestions on what I should do? He knows I'm upset - we talked about it but he doesn't think I have a reason to. Should I be concerned?

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Well it sounds like you do everything you should and more. He was being selfish and with the options at hand I wonder myself why he would do such a thing. Yeah you deserve to be upset.

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Old 01-17-2008, 08:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

How does he get his porn fix? you can add software to block porn from internet surfing and then ask him how he'd feel if you denied him any for a really long time, Or better yet, you don't cook and/or do landry for him, and equate the two for him eating and landry are things he relies on you for (I presume) and that you take care of his needs but he doesn't provide the simplest of needs for you.

okay it is a thought in process

How do you communicate?

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Old 01-18-2008, 10:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

draconis - damn you are good - I think I will take his advice - you're right I always take care of his needs and if just take those basic simple things away - it's an awesome comparison to provide for him!

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How does he get his porn fix? you can add software to block porn from internet surfing and then ask him how he'd feel if you denied him any for a really long time, Or better yet, you don't cook and/or do landry for him, and equate the two for him eating and landry are things he relies on you for (I presume) and that you take care of his needs but he doesn't provide the simplest of needs for you.

okay it is a thought in process

How do you communicate?

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Old 01-19-2008, 07:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

Hi Oreo:

I'm a guy. If a guy masturbates alone while he is married and otherwise the relationship is normal, then I think something else is going on. A guy will take having sex with his wife over masturbation any day if things are going right. You have to understand what's going on inside him. Does he open up and talk? Do you think he's honest with you? I don't think that it is normal for a guy not to initiate sex with his wife - just my opinion though.

I'll tell you what, most guys would kill to have a woman do for them what you are doing for him: sending him sexy notes, dressing up, watching porn, etc - and daily I might note! Most guys I don't think get even close to that sort of attention from their wife. I know I don't and many of the things you do my wife will not even try. So it sounds like you are not the problem.

Let me suggest something that is quite sensitive in nature, but how does he act around you? Is he affectionate when you're not having sex? Is he attentive and appear caring? Does he ever do something for you to show he cares? If not, then that can give you a clue that he has some other deeper problem with you. You have to be honest with yourself about his behaviour toward you.

Also, is your sex drive higher than his, or are you doing these things for him ONLY b/c you think he likes it? Just some things to think about.
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Old 01-24-2008, 08:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

A thought, you said that generally when you do have sex, it' lasts for 2-3 hours. Sometimes, it's exhausting or feels like a chore when that expectation is there. I tell my husband we could sex a lot more often if it wasn't always this big 2 or more hour production. Don't get me wrong, I love the sessions - they are a lot of fun, but there's a lot to be said for a morning quickie before work, or just being close before going to sleep.

Maybe his masturbation is a way of satisfying himself without the pressure of a lengthy session.
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Old 01-25-2008, 08:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

maybe he does not initiate sex because he is intimidated by you. My husband tells me that all the time. "I'm scared of you sometimes", I think because I had more experiences then he did so, he may feel a little inadequte, because you do everything. You are the superwoman, what every man wants, but like the other comment, maybe it's too much pressure, maybe you are coming on too strong. Go without suggesting and not be the aggressor and see what happens. Since you always innitiate, that can make a man lazy too. It goes both ways.

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Old 02-01-2008, 12:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

IMO - I would say that he is not coming to you as often for sex for he is getting pleasured by the porn he is watching and by taking care of him self via his own hands while viewing the porn...... and in my experience I have found that some people become so addicted to the self pleasure they get while viewing porn that they cannot receive the same intense feeling while being with a real person. ((( hugs )))
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:04 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

I have to be the one to disagree to an extent!

Have you "coached" him on how to initate sex? Some guys really don't know what to do. Plus he may think that you are so good at intiating it that he doesn't have to. Or simply he doesn't know how. I say talk to him more about it and don't get so upset. Sex is important but not everything. Doesn't sound major to me. I do understand the frustration, cause I deal with it too, except my husband initates sex and sometimes I don't want it, it frustrates him, but we don't get mad. Its about figuring each other out....part of a marriage. Give the guy a break. If he doesnt do it all the time then I say no worries...
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Smile Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

just talk to him openly about it and try not to do it with anger in your voice. It usually makes men shut down when they feel that you are coming at them with an attitude. Let him know of your doubts and worries and tell him to be honest with you when he feels the need to pleasure himself. Maybe he can let you watch if the touch of his own hand is what he needs sometimes, have yourself involved. Just talk about it in a caring and understanding way. Don't worry about it too much though.
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Old 02-05-2008, 01:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

Oreo, you have every reason to feel the way you do. I think all the advice has been right on; I'd just like to give you another opinion. You say that you guys have sex for several hours; do you mean intercourse for that long? If you do, I had a friend whose husband was the same way. He could go for hours as well; he had trouble for some reason climaxing inside her. He would "take care of her" and then masturbate himself to climax in the bathroom after the intercourse. She found this out about the same way you did. He also was not an initiator, probably due to the same reason. He said that he felt he was failing her, that she would think he didn't love her or think she was sexy. They talked it all out and after that it was fine.( I don't know if there was any porn involved or not.) You didn't mention your hubby's age; as men get older they can start having troubles in their mind about their sexuality and virility.
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Old 02-05-2008, 06:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

I have to say that I don't think porn is okay. Porn distorts and distracts from what sex should be. It is addictive and has very little benefit.

I speak to a lot of couples where the men have a hard time initiating sex. You'd be surprised at how often this problem stems from pornography. When it doesn't it usually stems from some sort of insecurity that can be solved when couples communicate more openly.

On a personal note, I'd have to say that varying the amount of time that sex lasts is a great way to keep it interesting. It's a little unrealistic to expect it to always last for hours.
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Old 02-06-2008, 12:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

I guess he still has the big problem of initiating sex, and rather just masturbate than go through the process and maybe having the pressure of having a long session. Once I did something that worked: I asked my girlfriend, who is not always the one to start sex, what is that she wanted, and she had to come and get it.
Also, try some quickies, and see how he reacts. But overall, you have the right to be upset!
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Old 02-06-2008, 12:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Masturbating instead of sex?

I think you need to avoid doing sneaky things like not making dinner or blocking porn, and just decide if you are willing to stay in the marriage. IF you are willing to stay in the marriage then get professional help. Doing things to deny him porn or food is passive / aggressive and adds power issues to an already volatile situation.
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