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Old 01-21-2013, 03:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Need Help from Wives!

Hello Ladies,
Allow me to start out by saying that right now i'm a mother of two beautiful children a two year old and a three month old. I am hoping for your help in assuring me what i've decided is the right choice and I need women who might know how to support me a little through my current choices. Now a little background as to why i'm seeking advice.

I got married when i was twenty to a man I've known for the last seven to nine years. We know almost everything about each other, however when we got married it started rocking the boat. My husband was immediately throwing himself onto craigslist searching the sex part to find people to sleep with. He says he never has and I trust him on that much. Anyways, I forgave him the first few times because I was pregnant. We made things work, however for the last three years that we have been married every few months (3-4) this "addiction" is thrown into my face and I find him back on the sites to find sex.

I will completely go with the fact it might be an addiction but it's been three years and he has not tried to get help.

I have left and taken my two children with me, I love my husband very much and want this to work out but I fear he will not change and it will just go back.

My question is will he change? does it sound like he'll just come back around and do it again? Is it the same as cheating if he isn't actually sleeping with these women?Should I begin divorce papers or just plain seperation papers? Also where do I find the strength to suddenly be a 23 year old single mother of two?

Any help, advice, or anything is appreciated.
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

I'm wondering why a married man would even think it was OK to go 'window shopping' for sex partners. Why are you so sure that he hasn't done more than 'window shop?'

Presumably your H is, at least, striking up flirty online conversations with these women which, IMO, is pretty risky behaviour.
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm wondering why a married man would even think it was OK to go 'window shopping' for sex partners. Why are you so sure that he hasn't done more than 'window shop?'

Presumably your H is, at least, striking up flirty online conversations with these women which, IMO, is pretty risky behaviour.
I would not wantto think ill of him because he is my husband but i would not put it past him either. I mostly don't want to think he has done more then 'window shop' because I don't want to know the things he could have brought home to my bed. (I had myself tested just in case)
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Old 01-21-2013, 06:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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OP, I think it's a case of deciding what you will and will not put up with in your marriage.

I don't think it's a case of thinking ill of your H. His behaviour is disrespectful to both you and your marriage. IMO, the only options are that it either stops, you walk away or just accept that he is probably cheating on you.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

Not a woman but I have to ask what is the frequency of your sex life with your husband?

Besides that he is being very disrespectful to you
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Just a word of caution.. what if he is doing something and you end up with an STD?

You really need to address this ASAP..
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Old 01-21-2013, 03:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's not okay and you're not wrong. Even if he hasn't cheated generally "pictures" are expected on sites like that to even really strike up a conversation... Unless he agrees to individual counselling AND you two attend marriage counselling I, personally, wouldn't go back because it's going to happen again...
Being 23 & on your own with two kids will not be easy, but if you need it there's lots of help for single mothers. Idk what your work/career situation is, but I know at 21 if I were to leave my hubby I would have to utilize food stamps and housing for survival. One paycheck without training/career advancement is just not enough anymore =(
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Not a woman but I have to ask what is the frequency of your sex life with your husband?

Besides that he is being very disrespectful to you
We had a good sex life in my opinion. Fairly regularly if not nightly .

And thnak you ladies for your advice and comments.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve better. This has been going on for years? It is habitual.
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Old 01-22-2013, 09:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

I think it was a really brave and wise choice to leave him. The rest is up to him. If he wants to make it work, he needs to commit to fixing things through counseling and completely staying away from seeking sex or flirting online.

If you start working on building a life and career without him, you'll be that much more independent and confident even if you get back together.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 01-22-2013, 11:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

I am glad that you left him, too. It's nice that you think well of him, but he does not think well of you. You are a decent person and he is not. Decent husbands do not go on craigslist looking for sex in any form whether he actually hooks up with these people or not. If my husband did that, I would go ape sh*t, ballistic, and nuts. I would know that my marriage is in trouble and that he was a sleazeball for at least emotionally cheating on me. And you were still having sex with him so many days a week? The fact that you lasted so long with him doing this just shows that he de-sensitized you and had you wondering if it was even wrong in the first place.

You did the only thing you could do. Thank goodness you had the balls to leave. You didn't agree to that kind of a marriage. Do what you can now to be independent, get support $ from him, and move on. There are much better people out there who will love and cherish you and not use you as sloppy seconds or thirds.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:02 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScaredWoman View Post
Hello Ladies,
Allow me to start out by saying that right now i'm a mother of two beautiful children a two year old and a three month old. I am hoping for your help in assuring me what i've decided is the right choice and I need women who might know how to support me a little through my current choices. Now a little background as to why i'm seeking advice.

I got married when i was twenty to a man I've known for the last seven to nine years. We know almost everything about each other, however when we got married it started rocking the boat. My husband was immediately throwing himself onto craigslist searching the sex part to find people to sleep with. He says he never has and I trust him on that much. Anyways, I forgave him the first few times because I was pregnant. We made things work, however for the last three years that we have been married every few months (3-4) this "addiction" is thrown into my face and I find him back on the sites to find sex.

I will completely go with the fact it might be an addiction but it's been three years and he has not tried to get help.

I have left and taken my two children with me, I love my husband very much and want this to work out but I fear he will not change and it will just go back.

My question is will he change? does it sound like he'll just come back around and do it again? Is it the same as cheating if he isn't actually sleeping with these women?Should I begin divorce papers or just plain seperation papers? Also where do I find the strength to suddenly be a 23 year old single mother of two?

Any help, advice, or anything is appreciated.
I am very sorry about this.

I mean no disrespect but you don't know "for sure" if your husband is sleeping with random women or not unless you are with hime 24/7.

He is either cheating or looking to cheat & this has been going on your entire marriage.

To answer your question about will he change....probably not without intense counseling & that might not even work.

Good luck & I hope you have family members that can help you.
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

I agree that he is already cheating or about to cheat. This behavior will only escalate, in my opinion.

You've left him, which is good. He has probably been exposing you to STDs. (I know you want to believe he's only looking, but the statistical chances of it not being physical are very low.)

Any possibility of making this work, in my opinion, is serious therapy for him and very strict monitoring of his behavior.
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

From my experience, I doubt he will change.

You can give him an ultimatum - go and find help and prove that you are invested in our relationship, or we won't have one. If he does seek help, then he is invested. If he won't, then he is not. Sorry, it's that's simple.
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need Help from Wives!

Have a read at my story (link in my signature). My husband did similar things. You need to play hardball here - he is NOT worth being with if he refuses to get help.

I agree with the ultimatum.
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