Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband

My husband and I married after only knowing each other a short while. After we married, he confessed he was a cross-dresser and considered himself bi-sexual. For a while I tried to accept this, even encourage the dressing, but it increasingly bothered me. He seems to have an exceptional need for sex of any and all kinds (yes, even more than most men, I think).

For about the last 8-9 years, I have caught him trying to connect with other partners for fun and games.There have been at least 5-6 specific instances. Each time we go through an "I'm sorry -- it won't happen again" scenario -- but then it does, almost always when I am out of town. I keep accepting the apologies and hope it will really be the last time.

A few months ago I found that he was trying to set up a sexual evening with a woman while I was going to be gone. I let him have it and said I 'd had enough, didn't want to deal with it anymore, too stressful, etc. I told him I wanted some space between us for a while and moved upstairs. After a month, he made a written pledge of how he would stop looking for outside partners, stop drinking (this is part of the problem, I think), try to curtail the cross-dressing stuff. I told him if there was even one more time, that I would divorce him. I thought it had made a pretty significant impression on him.

Three months later, and I have discovered he is working on a "gang-bang" for this weekend, while I will be gone.

In every other respect, he is a great guy. We have a good marriage -- if you can exclude the cheating. I do love him, but I hate having to deal with this.

Divorce is such a big step, I am hesitant to pull the plug, yet I am stressed out and miserable wondering what he is up to. I know the bi- and cross-dressing are part of his nature and don't expect him to be able to change this, and I haven't been successful at changing my attitude towards it.

Is there ANYONE else out there who might have had a similar experience??
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband

I've never experience this but it sounds like he probably has gotten away with and gone through with some of these "dates". He clearly has sexual issues, and should not have gotten married under those pretenses.
I would drop him like a bad habit. And I would get myself tested.
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband

You've been letting him get away with this behaviour for YEARS. He knows perfectly well you will never follow through on your threats.

He is not a great guy in every other way. There is no way that this behaviour doesn't severely and adversely affect your entire relationship. Be honest with yourself.

Either follow though on the consequence you spelled out for him, or resign yourself to an open marriage. Because that is what you have allowed your marriage to be till now.
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband

Well he sounds like a prize catch.

You are wasting your life with this guy.
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband

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We have a good marriage -- if you can exclude the cheating.
Are you kidding?????? Everything is good except for the cheating???? That's like saying he's a great dad except for being a pedophile. Those statements DO NOT belong in the same sentence. Let me make this clear. EVERYTHING IS NOT GOOD. He is cheating and you're looking at this through muddy glasses if you can't see what a low down dirty dog he is. That's what cheaters are.

I cannot believe you tolerated this for 9 years and believed his fake waterworks. If you stay in this marriage any longer, you are totally condoning this behavior and letting him know that no matter what you threaten, you don't mean it at all.

This should be the final straw. A GANG BANG? WTH is that?? This is sicko and you're left wondering if it's you being too sensitive. I would not have sex with this cheater again. He is leading a double or triple life and dragging you down.

PLEASE GET OUT!!!
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice dealing with bi-sexual husband

I agree that his cheating and his sexuality are two different issues

Chuck him
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I think you have 3 issues here.

1. He's a cross dresser. Doesn't bother you and you accept this. Move on.

2. He's bisexual. Being bi means a part of your sexuality expresses itself in attraction to the same sex. So,your husband not only is potentially attracted to other women, he's also attracted to other men. Yikes, that's a crap load of stimuli he has to contend with and you have to compete with. How do you meet the needs of a man who's sexuality expresses itself with other men? Not sure if its even fair to expect him NOT to cheat with other men since there is no way you can meet that need even if you wanted to try.

3. Your husband has a strong need to experience sex waaaaay outside the box of regularity, and borders on the dangerous. How do you meet that need? Not sure what your comfort level is with this level of edginess, threesomes and gangbangs might be something you would like to experience, or maybe not.

The last two issues are potential deal breakers for you. You've already tried for monogamy and he's been pretty clear that as much as he tries, it ain't gonna happen. So, you have to ask yourself if you can allow him to get some needs met outside of your relationship. If this is something you might be able to come to terms with and accept, give it a try and negotiate ground rules and expectations of frequency, privacy, partner selection, health and safety assuredness. Or, you admit this is not the kind of marriage you can be happy with and end it now. I suggest now because over time you may find you doubt yourself more and more and then your mental health is at risk.

You can't keep him from getting his needs met. It doesn't matter how rightful or how strong those needs should be. He has already proven they are too strong for him to deny. You either accept it, and negotiate boundaries and rule, or you end the marriage giving him his freedom and yourself the ability to find a man with whom you can build the kind of relationship you want.
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Three months later, and I have discovered he is working on a "gang-bang" for this weekend, while I will be gone.
Is he the bangee or the fluffer?

Here's a NY Times article on some good, but suppressed due to PC, research into the true nature of male "bisexuality."
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Is he the bangee or the fluffer?

Here's a NY Times article on some good, but suppressed due to PC, research into the true nature of male "bisexuality."
Suppressed due to political correctness? I think not! Once again, generalizations in sexuality are made from studying ONLY men. The study is inherently flawed as a result and should be completely discounted.
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Old 01-30-2013, 11:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Suppressed due to political correctness? I think not! Once again, generalizations in sexuality are made from studying ONLY men. The study is inherently flawed as a result and should be completely discounted.
Umm, no. If you read the study, you'll see they were only looking at the idea of MALE bisexuality. Nobody is denying female sexual fluidity. The same type of study proves it. Here's an NYT article on similar research run on the female side using the same equipment with very different results.
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Old 01-31-2013, 12:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Umm, no. If you read the study, you'll see they were only looking at the idea of MALE bisexuality. Nobody is denying female sexual fluidity. The same type of study proves it. Here's an NYT article on similar research run on the female side using the same equipment with very different results.
What a great article! thank you so much for posting that link. I devoured every word and wish I could boil it down to a series of quick efficient statements.

1.Chicks dig novelty.
2.Chicks respond well to desire, in all forms.
3.Chicks REALLY dig burning desire directed toward them.
4.Chicks dig it when a man they want, desires them beyond his ability to control his behavior.
5.When it comes to lust, desire, arousal and sex, men should feel free to drag their knuckles and beat their chests, but only if they are able to provide a nest.

How'd I do?
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Old 01-31-2013, 09:34 AM   #12 (permalink)
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What a great article! thank you so much for posting that link. I devoured every word and wish I could boil it down to a series of quick efficient statements.

1.Chicks dig novelty.
2.Chicks respond well to desire, in all forms.
3.Chicks REALLY dig burning desire directed toward them.
4.Chicks dig it when a man they want, desires them beyond his ability to control his behavior.
5.When it comes to lust, desire, arousal and sex, men should feel free to drag their knuckles and beat their chests, but only if they are able to provide a nest.

How'd I do?
I read it a few years back, but IIRC you pretty much nailed it, except for #5, which I don't remember. Also

6. Chicks dig chicks (at least from time to time).
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Old 01-31-2013, 10:19 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I read it a few years back, but IIRC you pretty much nailed it, except for #5, which I don't remember. Also

6. Chicks dig chicks (at least from time to time).
Well, I think #5 has more to do with #3 in that men don't have to always be, and in fact might not / should not always initiate sex via starry eyed gazes and loving caresses. A man so overpowered by his desire and want for this woman, not any woman but this woman, who pulls her away from the sink and as he drags her up the stairs is yanking her clothes off, is going to find a woman who's head is in the game once she finally allows herself to respond.

#6. IDK, I think this tidbit was more about how women can transmute an emotional connection into a sexual response if the other person shows a sexual desire and want for her. I have a woman friend whom I just adore and from time to time I find myself fantasizing about her. I think this has more to do with our connection and her overt sexuality than any lesbian tendencies I might have. I also have some lesbian friends and over the years have had a few subtle advances. While I am complimented, I have always felt it had more to do with how they felt about our friendship than actually being physically attracted to me.

Given all of this, it seems rather imperative that our husbands seek to understand us a lot better than most do. I must confess, on behalf of women everywhere, we are terribly complicated creatures and our culture prohibits a full understanding and we therefor are guilty of driving men crazy trying to meet our needs. I heartily apologize and wish it was easier.
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Well, I think #5 has more to do with #3 in that men don't have to always be, and in fact might not / should not always initiate sex via starry eyed gazes and loving caresses.
Oh, yeah. Exactly. I agree completely with that and the rest of your post as well. I think men of earlier generations had a better understanding of women than the present generation, since they did not have to contend with an early life full of bogus propaganda about sex and women. For that matter, neither did women.
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Old 01-31-2013, 02:33 PM   #15 (permalink)
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On a few levels I agree. Also, can I say that I hate it that I agree? I feel like I'm letting my sex down and they're going to kick my outta the club now!
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