My husband of 27 years has always had female friends--never been a problem for me.
The problem started this spring when he developed a friendly relationship with one young lady at a restaurant he eats at frequently, with or without me and our sons. (I call her Restaurant Girl.) He considers her a friend, and told me most everything they talked about, but he did meet her once and had dinner very late. (I knew they were going to meet, but it was from 8 p.m. until after midnight.) I have seen the glances she sends his way, and she often waits until I'm headed out the door if I'm with my husband to go up and talk to him. I told him to stop going to the restaurant alone, but he still texts her and emails her, and gets upset when she doesn't text back--which he also tells me!
My husband has also gone back to college this year, and has several female friends in their 20s he texts. These girls all have boyfriends or are married, and my husband does tell me he texts them and does some "innocent flirting."
But since Restaurant Girl, I feel uneasy about these relationships. I went on Facebook, and discovered the innocent flirting involves telling these women they are gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, and some stuff about licking one girl's ear, as well as some other things that have double meanings. They respond in kind. One of them even said he needs to have someone tell him what a wonderful guy he is--I do that almost every day--and he told her it was nice to have someone finally say that to him!!!!!!
I'm getting really jealous of these friendships, but try not to show it. With Restaurant Girl, I got a little nuts, and said he must be falling in love with her, and I wouldn't let that happen. He said he had no intention of ending the friendship, and that he wasn't interested in her in "that way;" he reluctantly agreed to stop going to the restaurant alone, but still texts and emails her, which he said he will not quit doing because I was being crazy about the whole situation and he did not want to end the friendship.
So, is it innocent? Is it OK since he has kept it all in the open and told me about most everything? We talk about almost anything, but because of Restaurant Girl, he says he can't tell me about his conversations with these other friends because I'll get unreasonable about it and he will resent me.
I'd also appreciate responses from some younger people--do you go online and make these kind of "flirting" comments without it meaning anything? Was I spying by checking Facebook? I'm afraid he will think so.
I guess I need to talk with him again and let him know how much this bothers me. My sister also suggested confronting Restaurant Girl and telling her to leave my husband alone.
My dh had some young woman writing him letters in our mail. I wrote her back and told her we had three young children and I'd appreciate her understanding a marriage usually doesn't involve THREE adults.
I never heard from her again, neither did my dh. I wasn't very nice to her.... Something about contacting my attorney....
I trust him and don't think anything happened. In fact, I know so, because a male friend of my husband's saw them, asked me about her, and saw her drive away at midnight. My husband arrived at 12:10, which was exactly how long it takes to get home from the restaurant. There was no sign of anything "funny" having taken place--believe me, I looked & smelled for it.
I've got e-mails from Facebook on some of these girls. Time to send out some nasty-grams! BTW, one of these girls' boyfriends saw the texts and got pretty upset--guess she needs reminding who she needs to be loyal to, and it ain't my spouse.
It sounds to me that your husband has no respect or consideration for your feelings. If you are jealous and telling him to stop flirting, befriending, texting females, then he should do it, no questions asked. If you were doing the same type of cheating, then he can say it's unreasonable. He obviously wants the female attention, but also sacrificing a good marriage for it.
I talked to my husband, and told him calmly that his flirting on Facebook could be considered an "emotional affair." He looked it up on the internet, and was shocked that his statements could be considered to be "cheating." He posted a note on his Facebook site, apologizing if anyone misunderstood his earlier comments, and that he was going to tone it down.
I took my boys to the restaurant where my husband's friend works last night--without him. (He was at his mother's for dinner and knew we were going there.) She didn't wait on us, but as she passed by, I said, "Oh, you're a friend of J***, (my husband) aren't you? I'm Tara, his wife--I don't think we've met." She said "hi" quickly and tried to get away, but I sweetly said, "So which one of his little friends are you?" and proceeded to rattle off the names of the 3 or 4 girls he's in contact with on Facebook. This girl's face absolutely fell and she hurried off.
My husband asked me if I saw Restaurant Girl--he knew we were going there--and I told him I did and that I only saw her for a minute. He told me he got a strange text from her while he was at his mother's to the effect that she probably wouldn't be able to text him very much anymore and was going to be too busy to meet him again for a long time. I actually think my husband was relieved.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your helpful words and support. It gave me the courage to do some things I might not have ever done, and I think because of that, our marriage is going to be stronger. My husband is really a good man in so many ways, and I'm grateful to have him back.
I wish for all of you happiness and a positive solution to your difficulties.
The only constant I ever observed when asked to define stuff like "flirting" and "cheating" is this: "anything that makes your woman upset is unacceptable". Note though that if the situations are reversed, she is allowed to do whatever it is she objects to you doing, because "its different".
There are so much more worthwhile things to fight about that "flirting" is sooooooooooo not worth any breath. He comes home to you. He pays bills, he does chores... just let him have a sliver of fun.
tarasmythe you did exactly what i would of with resturaunt girl!! i once found a girls number on my mans phone while i was pregnant and called her my self with him sitting right there and explained that i was his fiance that we have children and i was currently 6 months pregnant. i then told her if she still wanted to persue something with him that she could help me explain to my kids why were not a family any more...she was mortified and he never heard from her again!! but seriously if it doesnt stop you need to get out of the realationship because it will only get worse. i know easier said than done. because now im completely in love with an idiot that i cant trust!!dont let that happen to you!! good luck