husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun
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Old 07-22-2009, 10:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

I am a stay at home mom to a 2 year old and almost 5 year old. I do all house chores and just about everything with the kids. my husband works in resturarant management and has crazy hours. He by nature is very affectionante. I don't mind hugging and kissing. That doesn't bother me. I never do it anymore though. I think if my husband was just a hugger an kisser i might still want to be affectionate. But i can't even sit next to hit without his hands down my shirt or somthing else. I have expressed over and over i dont like that. I don't like getting near him b/c he is constantly touching me.

We are fairly active in the bedroom i guess. 2 times a week usually. I am not big into that either. We have been together 8 years. I guess honestly i am kinda bored of it. He isn't. He wants me to find my libido and so on.

How do i change? I love him. I am just worn out after the stresses of a normal day at home. I dont want to push him away to where he will turn to someone else. I just dont know anymore how to want to have sex and to want affection.
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Old 07-22-2009, 10:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

Several things here:

1. You're worn out caring for small kids.

2. You don't want sex or even to be touched.

3. He's gone a lot and ignores your physical boundaries when he is home.

Having small kids in the house is a big adjustment for the both of you. it's sapped your energy.

If you were not in such extreme mommy mode you would not be so annoyed at his attempts at intimacy.

Maybe you ought to consider hiring a sitter from time to time and have a candid heart to heart talk with him about your boundaries and your sagging libido.

You have to know that a man expresses his affection for you with sex. besides his own selfish needs, a husband wants to satisfy his wife intimately. He obviously does not connect that possibility to relieving the drudgery of housework and childrearing.

How old are the two of you anyway?

This phase will pass!

Get some rest.
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

I am 26 and he is 30.

We are for the most part very happy. We communicate well. We dont get enough time for the two of us. We do try to take one night a week to put everything aside and watch a movie together without the kids (they are in bed).

He feels like i have too much on my mind that i need to stop and think of him.

I do agree i am in mommy mode too much. I never thought about that. I might need to break mommy mode even if kids are around and be there more for him
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Old 07-22-2009, 12:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

How do you change him? You don't. Being that you stay at home all day, he has not idea how much work is involved in keeping a house well kept and clean and he thinks you are just waiting anxiously for him to come home. You need to utilize your female powers to make suggestions as to what will make you happy. It is give and take - if you are annoyed by him grabbing your boobs - tell him to start cooking his own dinner. it works honey, my husband is deeply compliant. Then again - I dont need my husband. And by that statement I mean I own the home we live in, I work full time and I teach college part time and have my own life. And yes, 2 kids too. So my life does not revolve around anything but what I elect it to revolve around. Matter of fact - I am about to take a 3 day trip to MIAMI - ALONE because I want to. COnsider some outside interests and actitives . It may jus tdo you some good.
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Old 07-22-2009, 08:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

Quote:
Originally Posted by srena200 View Post
How do you change him? You don't. Being that you stay at home all day, he has not idea how much work is involved in keeping a house well kept and clean and he thinks you are just waiting anxiously for him to come home. You need to utilize your female powers to make suggestions as to what will make you happy. It is give and take - if you are annoyed by him grabbing your boobs - tell him to start cooking his own dinner. it works honey, my husband is deeply compliant. Then again - I dont need my husband. And by that statement I mean I own the home we live in, I work full time and I teach college part time and have my own life. And yes, 2 kids too. So my life does not revolve around anything but what I elect it to revolve around. Matter of fact - I am about to take a 3 day trip to MIAMI - ALONE because I want to. COnsider some outside interests and actitives . It may jus tdo you some good.
Ok for those among you who DONT have a husband of convenience:P If your husband is being overly affectionate its because he's not getting enough sex. If you want his boob grabbing to cease, have more sex with him. Having a heart to heart isnt going to help unless after this talk comes more sex. Going to miami on a 3 day trip isnt going to help because when you get home, he's going to want to touch your stuff.

Its really simple ladies. Give more sex, get more of what you want. Why is it 95% of the time the woman who doesnt want sex?



John
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

[QUOTE=NothingMan;72870 Its really simple ladies. Give more sex, get more of what you want. Why is it 95% of the time the woman who doesnt want sex?



John[/QUOTE]


It isn't that i dont want sex. when we start i enjoy it. I just don't get myself in the mood anymore. So that means i am not usually initiating it and so on. Which he complains about. Of coarse i know a man loves to get seduced.

I guess sometimes i feel like i am putting so much work into making him happy. Keep him satisfied but he can't even find the trash can and leaves his bag of chips on the coffee table.
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Old 07-23-2009, 09:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

You might just want to come right out and tell him that if he wants to get some, he needs to pitch in around the house every once in a while or do something to help you relax. Just be honest that I don't want sex if I'm tired or stressed, so the best way to get it is not to grab my boobs and ass, but is to help me out with it. Most guys will appreciate just knowing what they need to do. We will pull our hair out trying to figure out what needs to be done. It's nice if the wife will just be up front and come right out and say it.

BUT... as a catch here, if he does start doing these things, hope that it works. Because nothing will frustrate a man more than if his wife tells him, "I'm too tired and do to much to have sex" and then when he works his ass off to make it better for her, then you still turn him down. It will build resentment very fast and you will end up worst off than you were before.
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Old 08-03-2009, 01:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband complains i am no affectionate and i am no fun

I think a good idea would be to take a break from the children. It must be exhausting! Sometimes guys really have no clue what it's like to care for children all day by yourself. I think if you asked him for a couple of weekends (or whenever he's home) to look after the kids for a few hours while you engage in a different type of activity (other than errands, but like a bookclub, volunteering, place of worship activities, classes, etc.) he will understand where you are coming from.

My husband is VERY affectionate. I have learned that by rejecting his advances, I am actually insulting him. I'm not going to even try to figure out the male ego-- but I do get that he feels rejected and then resentful. He really likes to touch me because apparently, he really likes my skin And not to brag or anything, but my boobs and butt are kinda on the larger size so he likes those too. Obviously I musta been made for him or else he wouldn't like touching me so much.

What I had to do was gently-- very gently and nicely-- as him to respect some physical boundaries. For instance, after I get home from school or work, to let me be for about an hour to just relax and refresh myself from being out and about and busy. Then I try to take initiative by doing something less sexual, such as hugging him from his back and holding his hands or running my hands through his hair. After you start to acclimate yourself, you can become more comfortable with his touching.

It's going to have to be give and take. If you're going to ask him to help with some slack in exchange for less fondles, then when he doesinitiate sex, I think it would be a good idea to try to get in the mood and try to enjoy it. Also, I think getting some sort of resource that teaches about stressors' effects on sexuality would be a good way for you two to understand how to deal with this situation. According to Dr. Berman, it can take 24 hours for a woman's body (and mind) to become receptive to sexual arousal, whereas it can take minutes for a man to Imagine that. And sometimes women's bodies are aroused but our minds don't even realize it.
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