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Old 08-06-2009, 06:10 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married man and single Female

talking everyday is more then friends, I have a ton of female friends, I have 5 sisters...I don't to anyone everyday, excluding my wife.

None of my male friends call me everyday, hell not even weekly.

He is messed in the head due to this woman. He needs to figure out what he wants.
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:20 AM   #17 (permalink)
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He claims that because we have been fussing alot more in the past mths that he has been out of his mind unhappy and he needed to talk to a friend. I talked with his little friend and informed her to back off before she gets herself into trouble that no single female needs to be friends with a married man she promises not to have anymore contact with him. I have known they were friends for 4yrs now but just in the last 2mths has he started to talk to her everyday. I informed him last night it was his friendship with ****** or his marriage with me. He doesn't see why he can't have both but did agree that he wants to work on our marraige.
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Old 08-06-2009, 09:53 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ladycar View Post
He claims that because we have been fussing alot more in the past mths that he has been out of his mind unhappy and he needed to talk to a friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladycar View Post
He doesn't see why he can't have both but did agree that he wants to work on our marraige.
Why can't he have both? Because he already admitted to talking to her about your marital issues. The amount of time ($500 holy cow) he spends talking to her tells me he is obviously enjoying the attention she is giving him. That in itself is taking away from your marriage...If you deal with marital issues by going outside of the marriage, it will only create more distance, less trust.

When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, a good boundary to put in place is to not discuss anything you would not say if your spouse were standing right next to you.
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:35 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I have talked to his best friend Jake this morning and he says that ****** and him are just good friends and he thinks nothing would ever happen between them and that hubby loves me and wants to work things out. I told jake I have known for years about ****** and him being friends but the fact that he has been calling her everyday and going behind my back is the problem and that for now I don't want them talking till we can see if we can get our marriage back on track. I don't think that is alot to ask. ****** has agree to stay away from him and that shows me she may be a true friend and is willing to let us work things out what do u think
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Old 08-06-2009, 12:33 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Its not up to "******" to do the right thing. I would NOT rely on her at all, nor would I consider anything she claims as material to the issue. Its your H's actions that matter. Either he will quit his improper 'friendship' or he wont.

The reason I dont bang the neighbors wife is not because shes not hot, not because she wont bang me, and not because my wife talked to her. Its because I dont want to. Think about it.
The actions of your H are the key.
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Old 08-06-2009, 01:00 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I'm glad to hear ****** is willing to back off. I would be more concerned that your husband may have developed an emotional connection with her. It may be hard for him not to talk to her. Not that I think you should bail the second he might slip and call her, but just make it clear to him that you want your marriage to be the focus and the excessive amount of contact with her seems like he has developed some sort of emotional attachment to her.
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Old 08-06-2009, 01:43 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married man and single Female

It's entirely possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Both H and I have good friends of the opposite sex. Now, I'm not saying that is what's going on here.

Hopefully he will be able to not call her anymore and work out things with you. Maybe tell him that if he really needs to talk about things, you're the best person to come to. Or perhaps you can talk to his best friend, ask if he'd be willing to be available for some chats to help your H out. That way he has somewhere to turn, if he really just did need to talk.

If that doesn't help and he just calls her again instead, maybe you do have a problem there...
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Old 08-06-2009, 06:45 PM   #23 (permalink)
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$500?!?!??!?

SMACK! On the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I hope he likes eating Ramen Noodles for the next three weeks. Bills to pay....
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Old 08-06-2009, 09:35 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I can completely understand why you feel let down by your husband in this situation...I experienced something very similar in my first marriage. My ex-husband was emailing and talking to girls on the phone..except it was more than one and it took me a while to figure it out due to his ability to blow sunshine. I did catch him and had conversations with the girls much like you did with your hubby's friend. Most of them either freaked out because they didn't know he was married or apologized and promised to never talk to him again. I know based on my experience how much you want to blame the girl for this situation, but you truly need to focus on what issues may have led him to become so close to her over the past few months. With my ex..I truly never blamed the girls, because it was his decision to talk to them and continue emotional affairs. The girls did not make him do it...he was the married one not them. If your hubby has been friends with her for years, she may not have realized the threat she may have posed. Your hubby must take the responsibility for what has happened and step up to the plate. (I would make him pay the phone bill for one!) His friend may not have even realized until now that ya'll were having problems, and if she has agreed to back off, then the ball lands in your hubby's court. I wish you luck, and I pray that God's Will be done in your marriage. God bless!
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:59 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone! I do know that ****** says that she didn't know that I had a problem with them talking like I said they have been talking here and there for 4yrs so I just informed her that I didn't like it and want her to stay away. Now I hope my hubby will be smart enough to stay away and really work on our marraige. Looking back over the past couple of mths we really have kinda lead 2 diffent lives with both of us not talking to each other but to fuss. I know it's not all ****** fault and I beleive with her backing off she may have been telling the truth she just keep saying she no homewreaker and doesn't want to be one. I hope am not being a fool here but to work on my marraige I guess I have to let it go but it is hard. Wish I could take a magic pill to forget all this happen. Last night he did say that he is not worrried about his racing till he can fix his marriage which is a big change for him to even say that because racing is his passion and I forget what ? I asked but his answer has me and ****** are just friends I mean were friends which tells me maybe he is trying or am I reading to much into that.
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Old 08-08-2009, 02:47 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Here's my question for you, who did more of the calling? Did your husband call this "******" girl or was she calling him? Or was it mutual? Maybe you need to figure out who was persuing who.
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Old 08-13-2009, 04:00 AM   #27 (permalink)
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i have a similar probelm as well...he's grew up with this girl in grammer school and it was his grammer school crush. they were never friends in grammer school but started talking in h.s. for some reason when i first started dating my now fiance of 8 years. i didnt mind him talking to her becasue i had spoken to her a few times until during the end of h.s. she had said some sexual things to him online and after that i told him to stop talking to her. she knew about me and still disrespected me. now a few years later they are talking again (her emailing him most of the time every few months or so) i guess what i said before didnt matter. they have been talking alittle over a year now, mostly trhough emails and i'm mad becasue he is still talking to her and he tells her all his problems as well as her spilling all her issues. they have always been real close from what i have seen. even during h.s. he saw her a couple of times alone at her house!!! which i'm still not over and his password was her name!!! their relationship is just too personal for me. why can't she go tell one of her girl friends. he hardly communicates to me so when he does to her i get furious. btw she is hot too, alittle out of his league but she obviously has something for my fiance. and i don't think she is with her b/f anymore too.

so i see it as hot + emotional connection= cheating.

he agreed to stop talking to her and he deleted her off his fb and he's told me he loves me only. but i also emailed her back to make sure she knows how disrespectful she was to me talking to my soon to be husband. i feel so relieved now that i have gotten this out but it is up to him now to keep his promise. but it will always worry me in the back of my head becasue i feel he will always have something for this girl as much as he denies it.
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Old 08-13-2009, 07:19 AM   #28 (permalink)
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It sounds to me like you have more for this girl then he does. Let me ask you one question. Would you be as threatened is she was a wildabeast and not Hot as you describe her? And one more thing, to say she is out of your fiance's league is mean...unless you think your fiance is ugly. If my wife considered people "out of my league" I would show her they were not.

Im sorry but you just sound controlling at this point.



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Old 08-13-2009, 09:02 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Ladycar,

I do agree that the current relationship between ****** and your husband sounds extremely inappropriate and you have every right to be concerned in this situation.

However, I would caution others to make sure they are using rational thought rather than raw emotion when approaching situations involving spouses, and their friends of an opposite sex. While it is very easy for such friendships to become more, some times people are just good friends.

Obviously nobody wants a threat to their relationship hanging around, but make sure that you are not breaking up an innocent friendship as it will cause resentment in your marriage.
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Old 08-13-2009, 09:26 AM   #30 (permalink)
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i have a similar probelm as well...he's grew up with this girl in grammer school and it was his grammer school crush. they were never friends in grammer school but started talking in h.s. for some reason when i first started dating my now fiance of 8 years. i didnt mind him talking to her becasue i had spoken to her a few times until during the end of h.s. she had said some sexual things to him online and after that i told him to stop talking to her. she knew about me and still disrespected me. now a few years later they are talking again (her emailing him most of the time every few months or so) i guess what i said before didnt matter. they have been talking alittle over a year now, mostly trhough emails and i'm mad becasue he is still talking to her and he tells her all his problems as well as her spilling all her issues. they have always been real close from what i have seen. even during h.s. he saw her a couple of times alone at her house!!! which i'm still not over and his password was her name!!! their relationship is just too personal for me. why can't she go tell one of her girl friends. he hardly communicates to me so when he does to her i get furious. btw she is hot too, alittle out of his league but she obviously has something for my fiance. and i don't think she is with her b/f anymore too.

so i see it as hot + emotional connection= cheating.

he agreed to stop talking to her and he deleted her off his fb and he's told me he loves me only. but i also emailed her back to make sure she knows how disrespectful she was to me talking to my soon to be husband. i feel so relieved now that i have gotten this out but it is up to him now to keep his promise. but it will always worry me in the back of my head becasue i feel he will always have something for this girl as much as he denies it.

Ok I read this again and now it bothers me even more. The tone of your post is, imo, as controlling as I've seen. And your "fix" is not fixing the problem in your relationship it is only fixing a sympton. The reason why your fiance is talking to her about his life is because there are problems in your relationship. Denying him an outlet for emotions he cannot/will not share with you is not the way to fix it. Making yourself available to him to share these feelings with you IS the way to fix it.

In other words, if he could share his issues with you, he would and you wouldnt feel threatened. In my opinion you are a controlling woman who is threatened by anyone you feel is "hotter" then you. And by the sounds of it, you should be, because obviously he isnt getting what he needs from you.

Give him what he needs and he wont need to talk to other women. Then, you wont have to worry. Asking him to sever a friendship because your insecurity is cruel. And I can tell you from experience, it wont stop it. Then you'll develop trust issues because he wont be able to stick to your unreasonable requests. Trust me. It's happened to me before.



John
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