How do you put your feet down?
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Old 03-26-2013, 07:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do you put your feet down?

I am not the best at setting boundaries and don't have any idea of how to put my feet down.

As I said on other of my threads, my husband won't talk if I need his input (or if I need to know what he thinks about something). And he won't hear me when I want to communicate something to him. I'm talking relationship related stuff.

We have a (actions instead of words) kind of communication...


-Last Saturday he came home at 2.30am, drunk and asked me to give him money to pay for the taxi because he didn't have anything on his wallet.... I was not pleased obviously.

I told him nothing, because I didn't want to get into a fight. What I did told him was that I didn't want him to do this on a regular basis...

Was I wrong by not taking action on this behaviour of him?

I think I can do better than that. Suggestions?
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

You say you were not pleased, obviously. But to whom was it obvious? Not your husband, because you say you told him nothing because you didn't want to fight, just not to do this regularly.

Grow some ovaries!
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Old 03-27-2013, 07:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

If you were angry or upset by his actions then of course you should discuss it with him. How is he going to know you are not happy about it if you don't tell him?

Is this a regular thing for him or a one off? If its a one off, cut him some slack, not such a big deal, but if he does it regularly the. It needs to be addressed.

It's not about putting your foot down, he's not a child and you can't control him, it's about discussing what is acceptable behaviour in your marriage and what isn't.
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Old 03-27-2013, 08:02 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Sure she doesn't control him but establishing good solid boundaries is certainly not treating him like a child. It's maintaining ones self respect so they aren't a doormat.

OP you say he was already drunk when he came home and yet he asked for money for a taxi? Exactly where did he need to go? Or was this to pay for the ride back home?

Is he an alcoholic? If so you need to open your mouth and tell him you are uncomfortable with him going out and drinking and would like it to stop. Suggest discussing it and say you would like to compromise on this issue as well as how he treats you. You do deserve respect.
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Old 03-27-2013, 01:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LouAnn Poovy View Post
You say you were not pleased, obviously. But to whom was it obvious? Not your husband, because you say you told him nothing because you didn't want to fight, just not to do this regularly.

Grow some ovaries!
Quote:
Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
If you were angry or upset by his actions then of course you should discuss it with him. How is he going to know you are not happy about it if you don't tell him?

Is this a regular thing for him or a one off? If its a one off, cut him some slack, not such a big deal, but if he does it regularly the. It needs to be addressed.

It's not about putting your foot down, he's not a child and you can't control him, it's about discussing what is acceptable behaviour in your marriage and what isn't.
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I know I am a coward because I don't want any more fights... But I think it's worthless to get into a fight because whatever I try to tell him, even if it's kindly or screaming, he will ignore me.
That's why I point out that he never listens to me.

He is an alcoholic... (not an active one anymore). He used to get wasted before we got married and now, he would drink 4 beer bottles and he says he's not feeling well anymore. And he would drink on family reunions which happen every two months more or less.

This past Saturday he did it because he works at a hotel. He usually works from 6a,-2pm. That day he had to work on and event and had to stay all day untim 1am. After that he went to have some beers with the waiters-collagues... I really don't like them, but they work together every single day. What am I supposed to do? So I think this was like a little escape because this it's not very often thank God!. Still made me very uncomfortable though.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaia View Post
Sure she doesn't control him but establishing good solid boundaries is certainly not treating him like a child. It's maintaining ones self respect so they aren't a doormat.

OP you say he was already drunk when he came home and yet he asked for money for a taxi? Exactly where did he need to go? Or was this to pay for the ride back home?

Is he an alcoholic? If so you need to open your mouth and tell him you are uncomfortable with him going out and drinking and would like it to stop. Suggest discussing it and say you would like to compromise on this issue as well as how he treats you. You do deserve respect.
That's why I am asking help. Because I don't know the correct way to make myself respected. I don't want to be a doormat like I have always been.

He asked me for money to pay the ride back home. He doesn't like to keep too much cash on his wallet.

Yesterday he said he made a deposit on my loan from the bank (which I appreciate because I didn't ask for it) and I told him I didn't have enought money with me either so he left me some also...


Am I really stupid?

I think of every situation as a lesson... I want to learn!

Last edited by Venusina; 03-27-2013 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 03-27-2013, 10:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Assertiveness training was a class I took in college. However, it was boring so I didn't go very often...

The issue that might help, I think, is understanding the difference between a fight and a conflict. A conflict is pretty simple and can happen and be resolved very easily. I fight generally leaves hard feelings.

When was the last time you have a conflict with your H and you backed down because it was escalating and you didn't want to fight? Talk about that. Your next post.
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

I can't handle conflict.


I am affraid of starting fights because he has slapped me before twice. So I try to avoid that as much as I can. I am affraid. I tend to be REALLY NAGGY and I am working on it.

If I try to have a conversation with him, as soon as I say anything about US, or how I feel, he shuts himself. He says it's my problem the way I feel and that he is ok. If I want to feel sad, or bad or angry or whatever, it's my problem, not his. If I want to get help it's ok but he doesn't need it. So, it's not worth it. There's no way to have a conversation with him. He will say always "you're starting again"and then he ignores me and goes to sleep. -This has happend a thousand times.-


Last night, he did another one: He went to play soccer with a friend and I was ok with that. When his friend came to pick him up he came with his wife and they invited me (and my babygirl), but my husband didn't want us to go with them and keep saying NO.

I felt really sad because he never ever includes me in his plans... We almost never do anything together other than shopping, or watch t.v. and lately he's getting on FB again... I cried because I felt hopeless... But managed to stayed calm (thank God) and still made dinner for him. (I hate to cook for him when I am not feeling I am doing it with love).

When he cme back, he was very talkative and I kept myself calmed. I am almost sure he was expenting me to be all angry and start saying stuff about not inviting me to the soccer game so that's why he was so talkative. (Like changing subject before I brought it up) He said something about his colleagues being alcoholics and how one of them despite that he helps his wife, and I told him about another one who is very mean with his wife and he just laughed and said that "yes, and when his wife tells him she's had enough than he's crying"... (And all of this for what?)

This made me think he's "learning" from his older married buddies and how they do with their wives...

This is making me sick. But I am just letting this pass and see what he does if I act opposite as he expects me to. But it hurt and also I am very bad at it. I don't know if I can handle this.
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

You did the right thing by just paying the cab and not making a scene when he came home. He was drunk and there's no point in arguing with a drunk unless you just love to see the police come to your house.
The next day when he was sober would have been a good time to express yourself. He put you in a bad spot. What would have happened if you didn't have available cash at 2:30am? You have a baby and it's pretty inconsiderate to wake a young mother up at 2:30am for nonsense. He works at a hotel. There is probably an ATM at the hotel and, if not, there are ATMs at every bank between the hotel and home. He could have had the cabbie stop, get some money, and handled the matter like an adult. Those old enough to drink until 2:30am are old enough to figure out how to pay a taxi fare. If he chooses to spend his cab money on beer, he can walk, find an ATM, or hit up one of is drinking buddies.
The time to figure out how you're getting home is before you start drinking. Some people were apparently raised by wolves and they will be just as inconsiderate as others permit them to be. He works in a hotel. He knows how to be considerate and respectful to strangers or he wouldn't have a job. A rude hotel employee would last from twelve till noon. He isn't rude or inconsiderate at work because there are consequences there. He needs to learn there are also consequences for being rude and inconsiderate at home.
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Another question.

How can I make him learn there's consequences of his childish behaviour IF I already left home like 3 times in our marriage and he begs just for one hour and he has me back?
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Old 03-28-2013, 04:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

I'm assuming you're quite young and you have a small child also.

Venusina, YOU need to decide what YOU want out of life. You've been on TAM for almost a year and nothing has changed for you, has it?
  • Your husband has hit you out of anger.
  • Your husband refuses to discuss anything with you.
  • Your husband is convinced that you are always wrong (nagging) and he is always right (being picked on by you).
  • Your husband is an alcoholic (gets drunk every other month).
  • Your husband ignores you.
  • Your husband does NOT include you in his social life.
  • Your husband thinks his friends' shoddy treatment of their wives is funny.
  • Your husband believes that if YOU'RE UNHAPPY that is YOUR problem.
  • Your husband blames whatever marital problems there are on YOU being a nag.
  • After he's done something really wrong, he will occasionally do something nice for you to try to 'make up for it'. (like the $$)
  • He's perfectly content with your marriage if you would just learn to shut up.
  • You fear conflict.
  • You have been hit twice in anger by your husband.
  • You try to discuss marital problems, but he refuses to listen.
  • You want to be included in his social life and he refuses.
  • You want to feel love, but you feel ignored.
  • You believe that YOU nag too much.
  • You want to be respected, but don't know how.
That's how it was a year ago, right? And that's still how it is now.

NOTHING will change until YOU decide to change it.
NOTHING will change until YOU decide you are WORTH being treated correctly.
NOTHING will change until YOU decide WHAT you want your life, your marriage to look like...and you are UNWILLING to 'settle' for less.
  1. Do you have any education beyond high school?
  2. Do you have any job experience?
  3. Are you currently employed outside the home?
  4. Does your family live nearby and are they supportive of you?
  5. Does your family know your husband has hit you (do NOT say that you deserved it, because GROWN ADULT MEN do NOT hit women. They may yell and get angry, but they don't hit.)
You and your husband are your daughter's role models for how to be a man/woman, and adult, a spouse. IS THIS what you want your daughter to believe growing up? That men are more important than women? That a husband can/should ignore his wife if he doesn't like what she's saying? That it's okay to hit a woman (and if you're a woman, you're just supposed to take it) if she pisses you off?

Because *THAT* is EXACTLY what you two are and will continue to teach your daughter as she's growing up. Her boyfriends will ignore her and hit her, her husband will do the same. Do you want *THAT* for your baby? Do you want better for her?

Then SHOW HER how adults and women are SUPPOSED to live!

You have to be willing to WALK AWAY from this marriage if you have to if that is the only way to keep you (your baby's mother) and your baby safe. If you're not safe, how is she? If you're injured, who'll care for her?

What is the WORST THING that would happen to you if you left your husband? He'd hunt you down? You have no job? You'd be homeless? You'd have trouble finding food for money? You don't know how to live on your own? Whatever it is that you fear...ALL the things that you fear...there are people and resources to help you and your baby get back on your feet!

The BEST THINGS that would happen to you if you left your husband are: no more hitting (you or baby, because trust me...her time will come), no more fighting, self-respect, good role model(s) for baby, a sense of pride and accomplishment as you take care of your daughter.

You don't sound ready to leave your husband, although you really should. He's a VIOLENT drunk. Just because he doesn't hit you often doesn't matter; once is TOO MUCH. Suppose he loses his job? Suppose you get pregnant again? Can his drinking and temper sustain the stress? Doubtful!

Please reach out to SOMEONE for help: your family, your religious leader, a women's abuse hotline, someone! Start making plans one step at a time. When you break it down step by step you'll see that any goal you have IS achievable.

Your husband will NOT change without a GREAT MOTIVATION to do so. Moving out would BE that motivator. He either steps up and becomes the man he SHOULD BE (with counseling), or he doesn't and you need to walk away before he hurts you permanently.

Good luck, honey!
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
I'm assuming you're quite young and you have a small child also.

Venusina, YOU need to decide what YOU want out of life. You've been on TAM for almost a year and nothing has changed for you, has it?
  • Your husband has hit you out of anger.
  • Your husband refuses to discuss anything with you.
  • Your husband is convinced that you are always wrong (nagging) and he is always right (being picked on by you).
  • Your husband is an alcoholic (gets drunk every other month).
  • Your husband ignores you.
  • Your husband does NOT include you in his social life.
  • Your husband thinks his friends' shoddy treatment of their wives is funny.
  • Your husband believes that if YOU'RE UNHAPPY that is YOUR problem.
  • Your husband blames whatever marital problems there are on YOU being a nag.
  • After he's done something really wrong, he will occasionally do something nice for you to try to 'make up for it'. (like the $$)
  • He's perfectly content with your marriage if you would just learn to shut up.
  • You fear conflict.
  • You have been hit twice in anger by your husband.
  • You try to discuss marital problems, but he refuses to listen.
  • You want to be included in his social life and he refuses.
  • You want to feel love, but you feel ignored.
  • You believe that YOU nag too much.
  • You want to be respected, but don't know how.
That's how it was a year ago, right? And that's still how it is now.

NOTHING will change until YOU decide to change it.
NOTHING will change until YOU decide you are WORTH being treated correctly.
NOTHING will change until YOU decide WHAT you want your life, your marriage to look like...and you are UNWILLING to 'settle' for less.
  1. Do you have any education beyond high school?
  2. Do you have any job experience?
  3. Are you currently employed outside the home?
  4. Does your family live nearby and are they supportive of you?
  5. Does your family know your husband has hit you (do NOT say that you deserved it, because GROWN ADULT MEN do NOT hit women. They may yell and get angry, but they don't hit.)
You and your husband are your daughter's role models for how to be a man/woman, and adult, a spouse. IS THIS what you want your daughter to believe growing up? That men are more important than women? That a husband can/should ignore his wife if he doesn't like what she's saying? That it's okay to hit a woman (and if you're a woman, you're just supposed to take it) if she pisses you off?

Because *THAT* is EXACTLY what you two are and will continue to teach your daughter as she's growing up. Her boyfriends will ignore her and hit her, her husband will do the same. Do you want *THAT* for your baby? Do you want better for her?

Then SHOW HER how adults and women are SUPPOSED to live!

You have to be willing to WALK AWAY from this marriage if you have to if that is the only way to keep you (your baby's mother) and your baby safe. If you're not safe, how is she? If you're injured, who'll care for her?

What is the WORST THING that would happen to you if you left your husband? He'd hunt you down? You have no job? You'd be homeless? You'd have trouble finding food for money? You don't know how to live on your own? Whatever it is that you fear...ALL the things that you fear...there are people and resources to help you and your baby get back on your feet!

The BEST THINGS that would happen to you if you left your husband are: no more hitting (you or baby, because trust me...her time will come), no more fighting, self-respect, good role model(s) for baby, a sense of pride and accomplishment as you take care of your daughter.

You don't sound ready to leave your husband, although you really should. He's a VIOLENT drunk. Just because he doesn't hit you often doesn't matter; once is TOO MUCH. Suppose he loses his job? Suppose you get pregnant again? Can his drinking and temper sustain the stress? Doubtful!

Please reach out to SOMEONE for help: your family, your religious leader, a women's abuse hotline, someone! Start making plans one step at a time. When you break it down step by step you'll see that any goal you have IS achievable.

Your husband will NOT change without a GREAT MOTIVATION to do so. Moving out would BE that motivator. He either steps up and becomes the man he SHOULD BE (with counseling), or he doesn't and you need to walk away before he hurts you permanently.

Good luck, honey!


Great Post, SGW!

Venusina -please read what SlowlyGettingWiser wrote. Read it more than once. You really need to understand nothing will change with him because he has no motivation to change. He's a violent drunk. You're putting yourself and your child in danger.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
I'm assuming you're quite young and you have a small child also.

Re: I am 27 and my baby is 18 months.

Venusina, YOU need to decide what YOU want out of life. You've been on TAM for almost a year and nothing has changed for you, has it?

Re: I thought things had changed but I always step back. I already left home in October for one week... Because I am weak.
  • Your husband has hit you out of anger.
  • Your husband refuses to discuss anything with you.
  • Your husband is convinced that you are always wrong (nagging) and he is always right (being picked on by you).
  • Your husband is an alcoholic (gets drunk every other month).
  • Your husband ignores you.
  • Your husband does NOT include you in his social life.
  • Your husband thinks his friends' shoddy treatment of their wives is funny.
  • Your husband believes that if YOU'RE UNHAPPY that is YOUR problem.
  • Your husband blames whatever marital problems there are on YOU being a nag.
  • After he's done something really wrong, he will occasionally do something nice for you to try to 'make up for it'. (like the $$)
  • He's perfectly content with your marriage if you would just learn to shut up.
  • You fear conflict.
  • You have been hit twice in anger by your husband.
  • You try to discuss marital problems, but he refuses to listen.
  • You want to be included in his social life and he refuses.
  • You want to feel love, but you feel ignored.
  • You believe that YOU nag too much.
  • You want to be respected, but don't know how.
That's how it was a year ago, right? And that's still how it is now.

NOTHING will change until YOU decide to change it.
NOTHING will change until YOU decide you are WORTH being treated correctly.
NOTHING will change until YOU decide WHAT you want your life, your marriage to look like...and you are UNWILLING to 'settle' for less.
  1. Do you have any education beyond high school? Yes, I have unfinished university because I got pregnant (by choice :/ ) and decided to spend more time with my baby and with my hubby.
  2. Do you have any job experience? I've worked since I was 18. I met him on my last job at the hotel where I worked for almost 7 years, I quit last year and changed my job to a similar one but as a secretary in a real state office.
  3. Are you currently employed outside the home?
  4. Does your family live nearby and are they supportive of you? My mom takes care of our baby, so I see my family every day, I stayed with her when I moved out of the house in October and she told me I cannot be playing games moving out and going back as many times as I wish... So I think I am getting done with my options.
  5. Does your family know your husband has hit you (do NOT say that you deserved it, because GROWN ADULT MEN do NOT hit women. They may yell and get angry, but they don't hit.) They don't know and I don't think I will ever in my life tell them.
You and your husband are your daughter's role models for how to be a man/woman, and adult, a spouse. IS THIS what you want your daughter to believe growing up? That men are more important than women? That a husband can/should ignore his wife if he doesn't like what she's saying? That it's okay to hit a woman (and if you're a woman, you're just supposed to take it) if she pisses you off?

Because *THAT* is EXACTLY what you two are and will continue to teach your daughter as she's growing up. Her boyfriends will ignore her and hit her, her husband will do the same. Do you want *THAT* for your baby? Do you want better for her?

Yes, I do want the best for her, and I also tell him everyday about this...

Then SHOW HER how adults and women are SUPPOSED to live!

You have to be willing to WALK AWAY from this marriage if you have to if that is the only way to keep you (your baby's mother) and your baby safe. If you're not safe, how is she? If you're injured, who'll care for her?

What is the WORST THING that would happen to you if you left your husband? He'd hunt you down? You have no job? You'd be homeless? You'd have trouble finding food for money? You don't know how to live on your own? Whatever it is that you fear...ALL the things that you fear...there are people and resources to help you and your baby get back on your feet!

The BEST THINGS that would happen to you if you left your husband are: no more hitting (you or baby, because trust me...her time will come), no more fighting, self-respect, good role model(s) for baby, a sense of pride and accomplishment as you take care of your daughter.

You don't sound ready to leave your husband, although you really should. He's a VIOLENT drunk. Just because he doesn't hit you often doesn't matter; once is TOO MUCH. Suppose he loses his job? Suppose you get pregnant again? Can his drinking and temper sustain the stress? Doubtful!
Re: No, I am not ready to leave. I 've never been. I wish I could find a way to work things out. I wish I can motivate him to do something huge for US

Please reach out to SOMEONE for help: your family, your religious leader, a women's abuse hotline, someone! Start making plans one step at a time. When you break it down step by step you'll see that any goal you have IS achievable.

Your husband will NOT change without a GREAT MOTIVATION to do so. Moving out would BE that motivator. He either steps up and becomes the man he SHOULD BE (with counseling), or he doesn't and you need to walk away before he hurts you permanently.
Re: Would moving out still work? I think my last "weapon"is filing for divorce... So I am saving that one for an emergency.


Woudl 180 work at this point?


Good luck, honey!

By the way, thank you very much for all your support everyone. I am very frustrated.

Last edited by Venusina; 03-28-2013 at 05:36 PM.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Quote:
I think my last "weapon"is filing for divorce... So I am saving that one for an emergency
Venusina, EVERY unhappy day in your life is an emergency!

Wanting him to change is NOT going to do it. You might as well want to be the one to cure cancer. It's not going to happen. WISHING ALONE will NOT make it so.

The 180 is a GREAT idea...but it is NOT so that your hubby will wise up and see what an ass he is! It is for YOU. So that YOU know:
  • you will no longer be subjected to his rudeness, it will roll off you
  • you will no longer put up with disrespectful treatment, it will be ignored
  • you will no longer depend on HIM for approval, you approve of yourself
  • you will no longer wait on him to validate your worth, YOU ARE worthy (and if baby could talk, she'd say so, too!)
Do the 180 to PREPARE YOURSELF to STAND ALONE as an adult, mature, single-parent to your child. Because if your husband does NOT step up, then *THAT* is EXACTLY what has to happen for your sake and your daughter's sake.

Do NOT move out again UNLESS YOU MEAN IT -- FOREVER! It has to mean something or it just looks like you throwing a tantrum.

Why are you afraid to tell your family he has hit you? Would they blame you? Would they physically attack him?

Read up on the 180. Make sure you understand it completely. Do it for the right reasons (so YOU can learn to be a self-sufficient, mature, adult that your baby can rely on solely...and YOU can rely on yourself solely as well). THEN IMPLEMENT IT.

Good luck!

*hugs*
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:51 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

SWG, thank you very much... Really.




I have read the180 Rules several times before but I have no clue still. Living with him and doing that seems really hard. And I don't want to end up doing the silent treatment.

I tend to go from one extreme to another... I am not sure if I have to ignore him, stop cooking for him or doing other things for him... Ignore him if he touches me...

I have a lot of thinking to do and I think I'll print this whole post so I don't forget anything I was told
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Old 03-28-2013, 06:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you put your feet down?

Think of it this way, if someone at work was INTENTIONALLY RUDE and condescending and insulting to you, you would interact with him/her on an 'as needed' basis only, right? You would talk to them ONLY as necessary about business-related issues.

Same with hubby. You don't need to ignore him, but let him know that you are speaking to him ONLY about household, financial, or parental issues from now on.

Until you are treated respectfully as his equal, his PARTNER (with equal say in family & financial matters), the MOST IMPORTANT person in his life, then there is nothing further to discuss except for immediate living concerns.

If he doesn't treat you as a respected, cherished person, if he doesn't even want to HEAR that YOU have an opinion or something important to say, then he doesn't really want to be your husband.

Because he has already HIT you, I don't know what to say to you about an in-house 180. Ordinarily, I'd say move into another bedroom (even if you share with baby) and put a lock on it. You are now roommates. Considering your husband DRINKS and HITS you, I fear to advise it.

I think YOUR BEST BET for a 180 is to LEAVE FOR YOUR MOTHER'S, don't see him, interact with him, date him, until he can PROVE he's been in AA for AT LEAST 8-9 SOLID MONTHS. He can pick up/drop off the baby if he's sober (actually, I'd let a professional decide since he still drinks AND he's hit you more than once), but I'd be out of his life FOREVER unless HE CAN PROVE (and an AA sponsor and/or Individual therapist can vouch) that he has been CLEAN & SOBER and WORKING on himself in counseling.

Keep an abuse hotline number ON YOU (and a cell phone) AT ALL TIMES, PLEASE!
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