Please don't flame me for this post. I am seeking honest opinions (though I know they'll be negative). So, I've been with my husband for 17years and we have a reasonably fine marriage. Not perfect, but better than most. There are significant differences between us though, large age difference (12 yrs) education (I completed post doctoral studies and he has never compeleted college) and some other views on life. He is very attentive and devoted but difficult to rouse from his comfort zone, unwilling to try new things. His younger brother and I have a lot in common. Same educational, social and other goals. He is also married for about 10 years. We're both scientists and practical thinkers. He also loves his wife but feels he can't relate to her on the same level (she also is not college educated). We speak to each other on the phone almost daily and can talk for hours about anything or nothing at all. We realize that we've both hit the same roadblocks in our marriages but neither wants to leave our spouses. Our families (with kids) are very close. We have been considering taking our "emotional affair" to a physical level. Neither of us has any lofty expectations of love or anything. We just want to share a little more and fill in the missing gap in each other's lives. Our spouses currently know we communicate often by phone and internet (we live in different states) but they don't know the full extent of the time we share nor the depth of the conversations. We just have so many similar views and experiences. We talked about it and think its possible to have a purely physical experience without expectations. We only see each other a few times per year. We would have our individual voids met with each other (someone we can trust), without fear of attachment and without desire to disrupt either marriage. We thought this out as "scientists" and it seemed reasonable. Tell me what you guys think.
NO WAY - you need to end the emotional affair and not even think about moving on to a physical affair.
You are either happy with your marriage or your not - you can't have both a marriage for comfort and an affair for excitement (I tried it - doesn't work).
You either need to go to counseling and work on the issues in your own marriage - or get divorced. But you need to end what you are currently doing to your husband.
Do you realize how "un-close" that family will be when it comes to light that you and his brother are having an affair - is there a worse betrayal that a brother can do?
figuring it out as 'scientists' is just another way of saying we've come up with a reason for justifying something that is "wrong" and that its your spouses fault you have to do this to be happy.
You are kidding, right? You thought this out as "scientists". Wow, what a defense. And with his brother? You and his wife are (1) applying logic to an emotional situation, and (2) you live on Mars if you believe this is totally reasonable.
Sorry, no sympathy here. Which seems like you looking for since you came on here to determine if this is an issue from an unscientific perspective.
I'm done.
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Re: Affair or not
I think you know the answer to this as you know you will likely be flamed. First off, never start a new relationship until the current one is over and done with. Second while the two of you are plotting your “Same Time Next Year” scenario this will not come off without complications and a lot of hurt for many people. Compound that with the fact that the affair is with his brother you might as well put a bullet in his “emotional” head. You have already admitted this is an EA and you don’t expect the introduction of sex to complicate things even more. Come on! If you are looking for justification or support for this farce here you will likely not find it. If you truly want advice then end the affair with the brother and work on your own marriage. No brainer.
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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Wow, if I was the parents of the two brothers I would probably commit suicide if I found out about your tirades. BTW, formal education does not buy you wisdom nor love. Like one of the others posted on here, either get out of the marriage or work to fix your marriage. Unfortunately for you though, should you decide to get out of the marriage you will probably need to find someone other than the brother because you will still have contact with the family and it won't be pretty. Flamed!
For educated scientists you don't have a lot of sense to even be thinking an affair would do anything positve for anyone involved. So much for those fancy degrees and the ability to have good judgement.
I suppose as "scientists" you could try this experiment first:
1. Test whether or not every match in a match box will light when struck against side of the box as designed.
2. Replicate the experiment a thousand times.
3. Count up the number of matches that lit, and the ones that did not light.
4. Assign a percentage of the whole to the the matches that did not ignite.
5. Use that number as the likelihood that if you strike one more match that it will ignite.
6. Complicate the experiment. Pour lighter fluid all over the room in which you try to ignite the match. Have both your family and your BIL's family stand in that room with you and your BIL. Attempt to light the match.
OK, do you see the risks of your present course of action yet?
I like your view of the sitch Michzzz.....perfect.
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"Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life..."
Rosado...do you have any sisters? Lemme pose it to you this way very unscientifically and very REAL...if your sister F*cked your husband....prey tell EXACTLY how you'd feel about the situation???
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"Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life..."
AND if your marriage is reasonably fine...then why would you need to go somewhere else for sex???
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"Cause I'll be there, in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night, and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life..."
That being said... the younger brother sounds like a better match for you than your husband.
LOL I'm gonna get in trouble for saying that.
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I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
your post is a classic example of erudition at work.
interesting that matches were mentioned.
i once worked with a scientist.
one day as we were talking i looked away to pay attention to something and looked back just in time to see a paper towel he was holding flash into flame. he quickly dropped the paper towel tamped it out and exclaimed "i'll never do THAT again!"
he told me he had taken a paper towel soaked it in lighter fluid and set it afire "see what would happen".
This doesn't make any sense... so since both of you are well educated that will make a physical affair better- so you are telling me that once I get my degree that sex will be better? That's awesome!! That would make a emotional affair make more sense, but have you guys thought of if you happened to get pregnant... your kids could be cousins and step children, your current husband would be the uncle to your new kids with his brother... oh gosh- family reunions would be a blast...just bring everyone together.
I think I know why my ex and I were in a sexless marriage... it's because I was smarter then him... I feel so much better now.
.. so you are telling me that once I get my degree that sex will be better?
Actually the higher the educational degree the more orgasms women have on average, and they self report higher sexual satisfaction. (Stay in school kids!)
Older not smart guy, younger smart guy. Talk about doing the math...
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I do a lot of commenting here and love helping, but much of my best work and most coherent overview of how married men can have the best sex and relationship with their wife is done on my blog at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/
Affair or not
I feel so much better now.
