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Old 09-01-2009, 11:43 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

Nothing good can come out of your husband communicating with this other woman. I'm sure he wouldn't want you communicating with another man. Its just not right.
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Old 09-01-2009, 01:40 PM   #17 (permalink)
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You guys see my point exactly. It just is not conducive to a happy marriage becuase it's going to upset your spouse.
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Old 09-01-2009, 04:41 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

You need to kick him in the balls
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Old 09-01-2009, 05:15 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I agree with outinthecold but that would be just a temporary high for you while he is writhing in pain on the ground rolling. Afterwards, it may just push him away even more. I think the subtle approach is better, like tell him he needs to leave if he continues his EA. Maybe that'll wake him up and let him know how serious you are. If he keeps this up, you are probably going to end up getting hurt worse than you are right now. I hope everything works out for you because I have been there and it is painful, I can only imagine how bad it must be for a newly wed.
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Old 09-01-2009, 05:28 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

I think you need to tell your husband that he absolutely cannot have the both of you. His behavior is selfish whether it's his intention to be that way or not.

No one deserves to be trapped in a relationship with someone who makes them torture themselves with self depreciating thoughts which I can only imagine are inevitable in this situation.

You shouldn't have to sit there and wonder if you'll ever be enough for your husband. You deserve more than being someone's back burner especially when that someone is a person who vowed to devote himself to you and your life together.

I wouldn't threaten to leave or anything just yet, but I would definitely make it clear that if this is going to continue that HE should leave. Maybe it hasn't occurred to him that there will be a person who will only want you and only need you.

By his blatant disregards of your requests to cease contact with her, I can't imagine he considers you separating to be a possibility. Not even remotely.
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Old 09-01-2009, 05:42 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

W, well said. Those were my thoughts as well. And it's better to try to shut his behavior down now before it escalates into something else. In my situation I was like lola, just steaming inside, riddled with anger and guilt and pain and all it ended up doing to me was turning me into a resentful person. If I had it to do over again, I would have caused a scene - fought for my marriage. It may have driven her away but then on the other hand, at least I would have done what was right and tried to fight for us. It would have been terrible at first but I would have felt better in knowing that I did what I had to do to fight for me and my marriage. And she may also have seen it as me caring for her so who knows but all I do know is that the biggest mistake I made was not dealing with it no matter how ugly it got.
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Old 09-01-2009, 06:11 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

Thank you, brighterlight.

Fighting for your marriage is hard, especially when you're not sure if anything but rejection is at the end of the battle for you. You can never know if it would change things but you're right, the regret isn't something I imagine is easy to live with. It'll feel like you let it slip right between your fingers if you don't think you did everything you could.

To the OP, I think it's also important to consider what it will take for things to be salvaged.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:28 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Thanks for all your thoughts and comments, I really appreciate it.

The next morning I sent him a link outlining what an emotional affair is...and I saw him read it (thanks Wikipedia!!). He didn't say anything and neither did I. I think he got the point that night when I asked him why he invests so much time and effort in their friendship and not me. He said he didn't have an answer but he looked sick to his stomach after I had caught him.

I've told him to stop calling her and I've basically been sitting on top of him every evening watching who he chats to and I haven't seen them msging...but that doesn't mean that they aren't txting during the day. I also don't know what they talk about. He says she has funny stories about her kids, etc....but who knows.

I haven't asked him to delete her yet, but if I see one more phone call...that's the last straw and so far it's been a couple days....so hopefully he's getting the hint.

Even if he deletes her from facebook/msn....they still have each other's numbers and I have no way to monitor it...except phone calls.

He's also been kind of going through a bit of depression...maybe second thoughts on getting married (I have another thread started in the General area called Newly Wed Problem(s), maybe check it out for some background info.

Thanks again everyone!!!
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Old 09-02-2009, 01:18 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by outinthecold View Post
Have you not read my thread

" It hurts sooooo bad right now..." by outinthecold

It is what happens when a woman forms an emotional bond with a man.
i can tell by your lack of abs how bad it hurts right now
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Old 09-02-2009, 02:04 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Get off facebook and every other piece of Internet junk...It's a killer to a relationship...Throw the web cams away...They are trouble for a marriage...You have a guy that gets hot and bothered and a woman on the other end doing her thing...She is getting off and he is following her dance step right along with her...Cyber sex is a dangerous game..Now you add pictures to it and you have lit the fire...Maybe her husband is a drunk and maybe she is just playing the sex game...Either way, turn the camera off and stop finding friends on the Internet...If a relationship needs this, it is in trouble from the start.....
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:46 AM   #26 (permalink)
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lola, "funny stories about her kids". Wow, it's like I am looking at a reflection of my wife's comments 12 years ago. While she was going to lunches with the OM, and I was pleading with her to stop, she would tell me that they just talk about our kids and how the kids are doing this and that. Geeezzz! Is there a manual for how to conduct a proper EA! This is almost comical.

It p***sses me off. Get him to cease ALL contact with the OW or you may find yourself battling bigger demons. I hope and pray that you can work it out with him.
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Old 09-02-2009, 12:26 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

Misery likes company. He could be upset that he doesn't have a job and with the help of this women feeling either lonely or depressed about something he may feel that talking to her is helping her. So he's doing something good helping her feel better which in turn makes him feel better. Also, with you working and doing other things he may feel anytime you confront him on this your not willing to understand because it is another women. And you may start looking like the always argumentive bad guy but your not I know...just trying to give you insight on maybe what he might be thinking...just a thought.
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Old 09-02-2009, 09:43 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Bertha View Post
Misery likes company. He could be upset that he doesn't have a job and with the help of this women feeling either lonely or depressed about something he may feel that talking to her is helping her. So he's doing something good helping her feel better which in turn makes him feel better. Also, with you working and doing other things he may feel anytime you confront him on this your not willing to understand because it is another women. And you may start looking like the always argumentive bad guy but your not I know...just trying to give you insight on maybe what he might be thinking...just a thought.
he should find another man to talk to then. to be completely honest, anytime you confide in a member of the opposite sex rather than your spouse I think it is just breeding trouble. friends are fine, but not when you count on their confidence over your spouse.
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Old 09-02-2009, 11:41 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Thanks Mama for your comments...and everyone else.

We had a talk today when he got home from work, it started out as where we are headed and it ended up being about our childhood upbringing. He was raised with pretty strict parents and feels like he missed out on what most kids do (parties, going out, etc.). He also didn't have a lot of friends growing up and relied a lot on the friends he made via chat....so I think it's more of a comfort zone for him to talk to people online. I want to help him become for confident with his social skills with real people...but I'm not really sure I know how to...
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Old 09-03-2009, 01:45 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do? Emotional Affair?

One thing you can try is planning some time out with other married couples...go to a ball game or comedy club where you are with other people and have small chat but don't feel obligated to have long conversations. Once he has a few fun outings with these people, he will likely be more comfortable going out to dinner, etc. with them. And try to stay by his side at parties, etc. if he doesn't know anyone so you can mingle as a couple and chat about things that the two of you share so he feels invited into the conversation without being pressured.
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