What to do? Emotional Affair?

brighterlight · 09-03-2009, 01:57 PM

Swedish, excellent ideas.

lola_b · 09-03-2009, 07:15 PM

Thanks Swedish, I love your ideas. It's just hard to meet another couple we can do things with....there should be a website where couples can meet other local couples to hang out! Like a dating service....but only for people looking for friends!

Maybe I'll go see if I can find something like that now...

outinthecold · 09-03-2009, 07:54 PM

Just kick him in the balls

make us all feel better

lola_b · 09-04-2009, 12:04 PM

I wish I could outinthecold. I did however write a letter to my husband this morning telling him how I feel and gave him 2 options.

#1 Remove her from your life and work on us.

Stop the contact with her, call her tonight on speaker phone with me there to tell her they will no longer be talking. To help each other work on ourselves and with the help of a counselor if need be.

#2 Continue contacting her

I'm out tomorrow night (his parents are in town this weekend) and HE tell his parents why I'm leaving (due to his not ending the emotional affair).

I left the note in his closed lap top. I told him to really think about which decision he makes and how that decision will affect his future. I'm tired of being disrespected.

brighterlight · 09-04-2009, 01:24 PM

Lola, Simple, sad, tough, but right on the money. You gave him a black and white option with regards to the affair, and IMHO, that's exactly how it needs to be. I hope and pray that he choses wisely.

lola_b · 09-04-2009, 01:29 PM

Ty brighterlight, I really hope he does too...

dobo · 09-04-2009, 02:34 PM

Good luck, Lola. I'm glad you're holding your ground.

ladycar · 09-11-2009, 02:00 PM

So what has happen with your hubby? EA are not easy to get over am trying but it's hard I just want to kill her and beat him.

lola_b · 09-11-2009, 10:05 PM

I actually never gave him the note, his parents were in town and I didn't feel it was right to give it to him the day they got here...so I have it hidden for now.

I basically broke down the night I was going to give him the note and I think it finally hit him that what he is doing is wrong, I haven't seen any calls to her on his cell phone usage...but I know she's still on his facebook and most likely his cell.

I think something clicked for him Monday night, he said that he thought he could be depressed because he didn't think he felt the same about me as he did prior to getting married. I told him to tell me that he doesn't want to be married to me any more if he didn't want to be with me, but he couldn't say it for himself. Finally we went to bed and he broke down and asked me what's wrong with him. I told him nothing...everyone has second thoughts either before and/or after they get married...that's NORMAL and he basically hugged me harder than he ever had before and we both fell asleep like that.

He quit his job on Tuesday and he's been doing pretty well, I think that has relieved a lot of unneeded stress/depression and has been treating me A LOT better. So we shall see how things keep going!

lola_b · 09-20-2009, 06:32 PM

Thought I'd give a quick update.

I found out he had been spending time with this OW in person since the end of July, while I'd be at work. He took them to the park, to restaurants, he babysits her youngest sometimes and all the while he lied to my face about never having met her (but I had a gut feeling that they had met before) etc. I feel so betrayed. I gave him until tonight to cut off all communication with her.

You can check out my thread in the General Forum for more info.

mea_3 · 09-20-2009, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ingrid

Emotional affair can mean different things; but basically, if you look more forward to talking with the other person than your spouse; if you get emotional "warm fuzzies" beyond typical friendship; if you are increasing the amount of time you spend talking with the EA person; if there's growing flirting going on; if you confide in daily things with the EA person that you normally would confide in with your spouse; if you start feeling as if you are "in love" with the EA person and feel dependent upon that person for your well being... then it's an Emotional Affair....

.

Ingrid has summed up an EA very well here. I had one and this is exactly what took place with my EA. Now, I think you should talk to your spouse and ask him to end contact with her. An EA can be a stepping stone away from a full blown PA.

LostInTheDesert · 11-02-2012, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brighterlight

preso, EA is when you start talking to someone of the opposite sex about your personal life - things that should be sacred between a husband and wife. Since there is no proof of what lola's husband is talking about with the other woman, it is only conjecture that with all the contact he has had with this other woman that they are not just talking about poker. Especially when he will call the OW more than his wife. As a man, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it is very difficult to talk to a woman - especially a stranger having problems in her marriage without getting the feeling of this other person taking an interest in you. There is something sensual about it and men don't really relate well to emotional talk with females without somewhere along the line picking up the feeling of intimacy. I would guess it's the same the other way around. Lola's husband is missing something from their relationship that he is getting from this OW. To answer your question, if the two opposite sex friend's conversation turns to personal feelings and emotions than the chemistry is there for something else. You may not agree but if there are some other guys on here that would like to chime in on this, I would welcome it.

Poker story - Being an unemployed programmer, I also had a Facebook account and my wife also. She turned to Farmville and I turned to Poker. During the course of playing I met some very "courteous" players and they added me as a buddy. This includes both male and female friends. My wife also became friends with her Farmville buddies. When I started putting in the same hours on poker as she had done on Farmville, she then started calling my friends poker "ladies of the night". I was typing all of nh, vnh, vvvnh, n1, sneaky and other one or two word congrats to the winning players. I would answer "desert" when players ask where everyone was from. Like the "ASL" of the early AOL and Yahoo chat days. She lost interest in Farmville and switched to activist work on Facebook, now she is online during all waking hours and most of the time is up all night. She has recently started accusing me of having emotional affairs with the people I play poker with. I then just started playing with one person, male from Europe and for the rest of the time, I would select random games or tournaments where I know no one at the table. The poker "ladies of the night" comments continued and grew worse. For me, poker is a mental relaxation exercise. Many times I type nothing. Buying a round for the table confirms the "kids" playing that usually involve rude comments and other harassment of the other players. I have quoted text and reported the player to Zynga. I am looking for a drama free game.

Here is the question:
Does normal courteous poker chat constitute having an "emotional affair" as I am reminded of on a daily basis?

I love my wife and understand that since she thinks poker chat, visible to ALL players, is full of "emotional affair" content and I am told that all her posts and messages to her friends do not contain any EA references. "Not like your poker "ladies of the night"

-LostInTheDesert

LastUnicorn · 11-12-2012, 06:14 AM

You'll get more specific answers to your questions if you start your own thread, Lostinthedesert.

But to answer your question, if you are just paying poker and not actively chasing or deepening the relationship with anyone online then no IMHO you are not having an EA.

It is interesting though, that your wife seems to be spending all of her free time chasing other activities online. She may or may not be having her own EA & is projecting on you.

Why not sit her down & the two of you discuss honestly the time you are together, yet choose to spend that time chasing other means of entertainment rather than taking this opportunity to reconnect & strengthen your relationship?