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Old 09-17-2009, 03:08 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

For what iti is worth, he says he wants to get married, but just hasn't asked. It seems like something always gets in the way-job, school etc. I think he should be able to move things forward. If he loves me and wants to marry me, why would he let these things stand in his way. Anyway, I am getting sick of being put last.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:22 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

I haven't read the whole thread... but Polly ... I really think that you waited much too long.. but honestly ... do you want to be married (or have married) a guy who isn't into marriage..

I totally understand him.. I've never been married.. and never will.. not that it makes any difference in some countries.. (common-law is just as good as marriage)..

You love him... he loves you.. so why do you want to force marriage into his throat.. just enjoy your time with this guy..

If you want children.. then this is another story.. you got to live under the same roof...

So why don't you ask him if common-law would be good enough for him.. maybe he's scared of marriage.

And Bachelor.. since my first separation.. I've ONLY dated much much younger men... some were as much as 31 years YOUNGER... so... this is bs... young men DO love older women.. and in a lot of cases.. they even prefer older over younger..

You obviously have no idea what you're talking about..
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Old 09-18-2009, 11:19 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

EB has his own issues. TOO funny about the older woman theory. Especially since my H is 6 years younger than me, and he's been thru enough to know that there is NO woman, younger or older, that can compare to me.
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Old 09-18-2009, 11:59 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

eternal bachelor, the poster who mentioned about how older women are better was referring to smart, mature men, not those stuck in their boyhood who wants a woman whose looks suggest she is fertile still. Human beings are not, fortunately, ruled by their biology any more than they choose to be, beyond the very basic egg carrying vs. egg fertilizing equipment. Your "example" has nothing to do with the women involved, it's all about the choices men make. We women know that as we age, we become so much better than our younger selves--more confident, more sexual, more willing to take chances in life, etc. The man who chooses our younger, stupider, less alive version is an idiot and none of us older women would want him! He couldn't get us if he tried, most likely, because he wouldn't be mature enough intellectually and emotionally to interest us. There are, of course, plenty of very mature men out there to keep us happy, thank goodness!
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Old 09-22-2009, 07:05 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

Oh, five years. I'm going to say if you were REALLY the one for him and he REALLY wanted to marry you, nothing short the world ending would keep him from putting a ring on your finger.

I think you've waited way past an appropriate amount of time. Besides, how long are these "issues" going to take to fix? Another five years? Are you ok with that?
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Old 09-27-2009, 05:36 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atholk View Post
I was refering to the OP who had a final question as to wether she should just walk away or not. I think she should move on.

Ain't about you EB.
Your point is noted and I stand corrected.

Last edited by EternalBacheor; 09-27-2009 at 09:06 PM.
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Old 09-27-2009, 05:44 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

I must make a comment on this posting.

I am not having a difficult life at all; it is my married male friends who are having difficult lives. The best desicion I ever made from both a financial and personal sense of peace perspective is to stay single. To be blunt marriage for males in the United States is a perscription for ruin.

I am on this site as a result of internet searches to assist my male friends who are in the process of losing, or have lost, their homes and personal assets through divorce. It is a tragedy since it is these gentlemen who actually earned the money - not their wives.

These men will be financially ruined for life.

I am very secure financially and have no problems with finding female companionship; the wealth seems to attract them........
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Old 09-27-2009, 06:10 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

Polly,

In poker, or other gambling or risk related activites there is something called "Going All In" - you place everthing you have left on a bet, or stock, or stock derviative in the hope that the cards will fall right for you on the next hand and you will regain both your losses and also win the prize you orginally desired. If you lose the game is over.

In regard to your desire to be married to this gentleman you are in this postion now - you have to go "All In". You frankly have little left to entice him with, your age is a huge negative and he is used to you sexually after 5 years (sex is routine at best). By "Going All In" I am refering to completely breaking the relationship off, no dating, no sex, no phone calls (change all of your phone numbers), and leaving no perception of "hope" for him that he will ever be in a realtionship with you again. You must also date other men, or at least lie to him about meeting somebody else.

Risk Assessement:
With your current situation and age this tactic poses no risk to your chances of being married to this man. If he ever has any intention of marrying you it will force his hand - he will find a way to communicate this to you, he needs you, he cannot live without you, he wants to marry you. If he never had any intention of marrying you he will not pursue you and you will have your answer. It is just that simple.

Marriage Timing:
If he should agree to marry you do not, I repeat, do not, chase after your schoolgirl dreams (and sense of female entitlement) of having a large, elaborate wedding. These events take time, cause stress, and will give him an opprotunity to reconsider and come to his senses. You must go for the quick "Vegas Style" wedding - it is just a legally binding as the big affairs. Once you have him on the hook do not waste any time reeling him in.......

Now you may say "But Eternal Bachelor I want him to want to marry me; I don't want to trick him into doing this - he may end up unhappy he married me"..........My reply is as follows - all men eventually end up unhappy they married; it is only a matter of when, not if. Your future husband will simply have that realization sooner than most but the end result is the same for all married men. He maybe unhappy, trapped, and miserable but you will have the husband you seek.

The time for action is now Polly, its time to put feminisum aside and to dust off the old ways used by women of past generations to trap a husband; break it off, change your phone number, play hard-to-get and really try to keep those legs crossed.............

Last edited by EternalBacheor; 09-27-2009 at 09:12 PM.
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:30 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

Quote:
Originally Posted by EternalBacheor View Post

all men eventually end up unhappy they married; it is only a matter of when, not if.
Wow, what an absolutely dismal view of things.

Polly, I know this may come as a little late, but I'm afraid I have to side with EB on this one, though I do not agree that "all men eventually end up unhappy they married." My parents are a case in point, and I have no illusions about their marriage— if anything my mom is less happy than my dad, but she's good at making the best of things and she loves him very much.

But you do have to go All In. Going All In, though, should not be a ruse to get him to propose— it should be a way for you to move on. At the moment he has no incentive to marry you. You are giving him what he wants and he is not having to offer anything to get it (like, say, "working on himself"— he is not doing that right now, am I right?). I'm in the process of doing this myself. I'm 32 and leaving my 34 year old boyfriend of 5 years (with whom I live). It's terribly difficult, and we still love each other, and get along beautifully, the sex is still great, we respect each other and all of that, but I want children in the next few years and he has been hemming and hawing about commitment for the past three, so I really have no reason to believe things will change. He is great. We had a good run. I hope he finds someone who doesn't demand that he try to be a different person. . . though this morning he suggested couples counselling (first time this suggestion ever came from him). So he appears to be trying to think of ways we can avoid separating. . . but I know that if I stay, he will never change. He will have no reason to. He's finally getting out of the denial stage and beginning to understand that I will really leave him.

So I guess I am going All In, but to be quite honest I'm more enthusiastic about starting over with someone who doesn't need to work on himself so much. There are people out there who don't need to do that. If you yourself are one of them, it's best to find someone more like you, who can spend their time appreciating your life together instead of trying to glue it back together. This is what I hope for myself, and indeed am already being courted by an adorable 28-year-old! I guess things appear on the horizon when they need to. Good luck, and be strong!
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Old 10-22-2009, 12:12 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

Listen, I can so relate in some ways...I have been in a relationship for 7 YEARS!!!. We moved in, and have a son together who is now going to be 5!!!!. I have yet to get a ring on my finger. I have given up and am considering of leaving. See atleast your SO(significant other) tells you hes not ready. Mine on the other had has told me yes i wanna marry you, but of course there is a but...and its disappointing....since u are not tied, move on..if u are a good womanfriend( because in ur 30's ur a woman not a girl) then u are still young and able to find someone with the same timeline standards..good luck
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Old 10-22-2009, 12:20 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

EB,

i have major issues with my wife and i still say you are WRONG!! either that or you worded it wrongly? i am unhappy with my wife and with the treatment she gives me - true statement - but to say i am unhappy that i married? that would be a VERY false statement.

i would hope and pray that your out look is NOT the true norm. be cause, as ARoomOfOnesOwn said, it is VERY dismal.. but it does explain one thing - with a view like that, you are THE eternal bachelor...

and as far as the older women go... hardwired??? WTF??? 20's attractive?? again WTF??? i value some inteligence and wit and MATURITY... and that is some thing that is far to laking in todays stock of 20-25 yearolds... and why not, they don't need it any more, it is politicaly incorrect to call them on it, and the whole time they were growing up they were told by the school and the tv that it is how they are supposed to be... no, if i do leave my wife, i will be looking for a mature woman who can handle responsibilities with out me having to tell her she needs to do these things... regardless of age oh and i have seen a lot of HOT 40+ women

now, as for the question posted, if it's a problem that he hasn't shown comitment? then perhaps he just has a problem with that? try a smaller commitment first, and work your way up to marriage. and if he refuses even a small commitment then perhaps it is time to move on to some one who wants to commit.. and then again, if you do go, he may change his tune when he sees it really is that important to you.. and then, it's up to you on whether you take him back or not

god luck
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My marriage is a wreck.... But hopefully, with time, patience and love, that will change. Pray for me as i will pray for all of you, not that our marriages get better, not that our loved one turn around but that we all shall find happiness, piece, love, trust and confidence....
GOD bless and good luck, we all need it.
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Old 10-23-2009, 10:11 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

You both still have your own apartments....good! You don't want to talk him into marrying you or nag him into it. The other poster was right, that would just lead to resentment.

I think your boyfriend is happy with the situation the way it is. You apparently love him and think he's "the one". Now, I don't know if he feels that way about you, but he's still with you, right?

My advise to you is, get some outside activities that do not involve him as much. This will be good for your independance and self worth. It may also be good for him to see what life is like with you less in it. A lot of people take stuff for granted and don't appreciate what they have until they don't have it.

I'm not saying play games with him. I'm not saying dump him. Just back off a bit.

On a side note. I am 43 (soon to be 44 apparently my best days are behind me, hahahaha). My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5 this month....and guess what!!!!!......I'M 12 YEARS OLDER THAN HIM!!!!! Oh, you know what else, my 24 year old son is with a woman who is 8 years older than me. Yes this is unusual, but less and less uncommon these days.

Yes, I believe that men are naturally sexually attracted to younger women. Sex does not a realtionship make (although it can make it a heck of a lot better, lol). As men mature, they look for more than what's on the surface. Age is irrelevant when love is involved.
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Old 10-23-2009, 01:44 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

I must comment on EB's post below + his post about games of risk - which I fully agreed with.

Over 20 years ago - I went "all in" and married my then GF. She has consistently been a wonderful wife - read half wife and half GF. All these jokes about wedding cake and bj's - or wedding cake and libido - I don't understand them.

And if you ask my wife - she will tell you that she is my highest priority and always has been.

We had some brutally honest conversations before marriage. What she wanted. What I wanted.

The way to maximize your upside result in any game of risk - is to go all in.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EternalBacheor View Post
I must make a comment on this posting.

I am not having a difficult life at all; it is my married male friends who are having difficult lives. The best desicion I ever made from both a financial and personal sense of peace perspective is to stay single. To be blunt marriage for males in the United States is a perscription for ruin.

I am on this site as a result of internet searches to assist my male friends who are in the process of losing, or have lost, their homes and personal assets through divorce. It is a tragedy since it is these gentlemen who actually earned the money - not their wives.

These men will be financially ruined for life.

I am very secure financially and have no problems with finding female companionship; the wealth seems to attract them........
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Old 10-23-2009, 04:49 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

Hi there,
I just wanted to let you know that I really admire you for not moving in and having babies with your boyfriend. You had the good judgement to keep a separate home and not create a child out of wedlock. My personal beliefs. On the other hand you have to do what makes YOU happy and what you deserve. You DESERVE to have a wonderful loving husband if you so choose. I know you love this man and have a history and it's not easy breaking away and starting again. But....would you respect yourself in the end with a forced proposal or sitting around waiting for a marriage proposal until your old and gray? Or you could ask him like someone else suggested. Good luck and be true to yourself girl.
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Old 10-23-2009, 04:54 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: he won't propose-I'm heartbroken

I do think she should break up with him. Tell him nicely that she understands he isn't ready for marriage. She wants to give him the space to focus on his issues and she is going to look for a person to marry. Full stop.

He can then either respond with a proposal - or they are done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1nurse View Post
Hi there,
I just wanted to let you know that I really admire you for not moving in and having babies with your boyfriend. You had the good judgement to keep a separate home and not create a child out of wedlock. My personal beliefs. On the other hand you have to do what makes YOU happy and what you deserve. You DESERVE to have a wonderful loving husband if you so choose. I know you love this man and have a history and it's not easy breaking away and starting again. But....would you respect yourself in the end with a forced proposal or sitting around waiting for a marriage proposal until your old and gray? Or you could ask him like someone else suggested. Good luck and be true to yourself girl.
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