My boyfriend and I just passed our 5 year anniversary. I am 33, he is 38. I have been frustrated with the lack of commitment for a long time. We do not live together, so we really are just "dating". I am more than ready to move things forward. He has said that he wants to get married and loves me, but is afraid of being a let down. That he needs to work on his "issues".
Unfortuntely, this issue is diving wedge between us, as I feel rejected and not good enough to be his wife. I can hardly even talk to him or see him without feeling horrible about myself and the situation. I pressure him too much, but I can't seem to stop. I know getting angry with him will not change the situation, but I feel like if I just shut up and accept what he is willing to give at this point goes against everything that is important to me.
Ha anyone else experience this. Should I just walk away?
You waited too long and you have spread your legs for the past 5 years to easily and to often without demanding what you want - to be married. As a 33 year old women he is now viewing you as having very few good years left; 40 for you will be knocking on the door very soon.
Back in the day, a long, long, long, time ago (before feminism "set you free") women used to use the promise of sex to entice males to marry them (i.e. you give me this.....I give you that). As unpolitically correct as the method seems today.......it worked. The vast majority of women were married by their early 20's.
To answer your question - unless you enjoy the free sex you are giving out you should walk away..........
Well...I think you may have a problem after 5 years. No engagement or promise of marriage after this many years is a sign of him NOT coming around ever.
I have a guy friend at 50 years of age..never been married. He's had long term relationships 6, 7 years . He could never get to the point of marriage. He's been in counseling and has lately, in the past several years improved. He now has a GF of 6 years (again) and she lives in another state (how convenient). He is now looking at house in her city state. He hasn't purchased anything but this is a big step for him.
I would highly reevaluate the relationship at this point.
You are in a state of complete self-denial if you believe that males (either highly intelligent or not) prefer older women over younger women...........
Which of the following two conditions happen 99% of the time for marriages that are ending?
1) A husband leaves his older wife for a younger woman.
OR
2) A husband leaves his younger wife for an older woman.
The obvious answer is of course #1; husbands leave older wives all of the time for younger women; the inverse rarely occurs.
The reason for this is rooted in basic biology - by either evolution or by the hand of God the brains of males are hardwired to view younger women in their 20's as MUCH more appealing than older women in their 30's or 40's because younger women are able to successfully pass on the males genes (i.e. have healthy children) while older women are viewed as not likely to pass his genes along (i.e. her age has made her infertile or her age makes it unlikely she will deliver a healthy child). All of this is processed on an unconscience level by the male brain - all he knows is that he can't stop looking at younger women in their 20's no matter how old he gets.
This is why males are excited by the sight of a younger women in her 20's and are ambivent towards older women in their 30's or 40's; no matter how "good to great" she happens to view herself.............
This is the fundemental reason why the original poster to this thread will never be asked for marriage by the guy she he been giving free sex to for the last 5 years..........she is now 33 years old and on a subconscience level her boyfriend is beginning to view her as being on the steep downside of not being able to pass his genes along - she is "drying up" in his mind for lack of a better term very quickly and he will soon be compelled by his hard-wired brain to find a more sutiable (i.e. younger) woman who can successfully move his genes along.
The tragedy is that she put herself in this postion - all she had to do was to keep hers legs crossed and demand a commitment of marriage before opening them. It is too late for that now. Laugh and stick your nose up at the "old way" all you want - the bottom line is that it worked very well - it got males to make the commitment of marraige.
Last edited by EternalBacheor; 09-14-2009 at 09:33 PM.
You seem really bitter EternalBacheor... geesh. I think atholk was responding to the post- he said move on... as in she should move on...
I'd have to agree- not because you are getting older- but because he sounds like he doesn't want the same thing you do- don't settle and don't push him into marriage if that's not what he wants... if he feels like he was "talked" into it then he might resent it or not put forth the effort to make it a happy marriage. You are not too old to find true love and someone who wants to marry you- I think you might be a little to old for eternalbachlor... which is a shame... he seems like such a positive person.
I think if he has "issues" they need to be worked on with him by his damn self. You know he's a good man, you know what you want, and you know you two don't want the same things. Either you wait till your gray and VERY resentful because you waited on him to work on his "issues" and they never got solved and you never got married OR you find someone who recognizes the catch that you are!!!! It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine...and it damn sure doesn't take 5 yrs to recognize your life partner!!
Eternal isn't just a bach from choice. Who'd have a guy with that kind of attitude? He too can be replaced!
Anyway, onward.
The guy will not marry you and at this point, I wouldn't want to marry him either if I were you. Who wants to have to beg someone to marry them? What's that get you?
Dump him. Find a guy who can't wait to marry you.
You're wasting your time with him.
But don't be surprised if he marries his next GF. Has ZERO to do with you. Everything to do with him. She probaly won't be extremely happy with him in the end, either. You'll be the only one who comes out a winner in this tale.
He’s 38 years old and working on his issues. Are you prepared to wait for as long as it takes (which is probably a minimum of a couple years if he’s just beginning) to find out if he wants to marry you?
Continuing to pressure him is not an option, don’t do it. I know it’s hard but you have to stop. He knows how you feel. You don’t want a forced proposal anyway, trust me. Bottom line, as you stated, is that you will not be happy in this relationship until it progresses to marriage and there’s no way around that. So don’t go giving any ultimatums but stop pressuring him and set yourself a time table that if you’re not planning your wedding with him by XX date, it’s over. Then stick to it.
It doesn't take five years to decide if one wants to marry.
If what you want is to have children, then this guy is not the one for you. As hard as it is for you to know, he's not as into you as you are into him.
I am sorry. Don't invest anymore energy in this man.
My Wife proposed to me, why are you waiting for him to propose?
I mean, what century are we living in, were a woman can go into outer space, head a corporation, withhold sex even after she is married, and can't bring herself to getting down on one knee? I mean common ladies, years of progress and you can't open a door for a fella or pick up a check or stop complaining about your feelings, where is the progress?
He has probably heard how women stop giving head and sex after they get married, how over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and is trying to wait till that ceases to be important to him before giving it up forever.
Now, I say be romantic and take him to a football game, tail gate him, beer him and give him a night of sex that he has never gotten nor can he hope to get from anyone but the woman that wishes to grow old and die with him and then propose.
I guarantee he will say, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
My Wife proposed to me, why are you waiting for him to propose?
I mean, what century are we living in, were a woman can go into outer space, head a corporation, withhold sex even after she is married, and can't bring herself to getting down on one knee? I mean common ladies, years of progress and you can't open a door for a fella or pick up a check or stop complaining about your feelings, where is the progress?
He has probably heard how women stop giving head and sex after they get married, how over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and is trying to wait till that ceases to be important to him before giving it up forever.
Now, I say be romantic and take him to a football game, tail gate him, beer him and give him a night of sex that he has never gotten nor can he hope to get from anyone but the woman that wishes to grow old and die with him and then propose.
I guarantee he will say, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
Only more manly, of coarse.
If he doesn't want to marry her I doubt her asking him will do the trick! JMHO
If he doesn't want to marry her I doubt her asking him will do the trick! JMHO
Your absolutely right, it (her proposing) won't change the answer but it will get the question or topic, right out in the open and offer an opportunity to address the issue, seriously and probably finally.
I wasn't aware that he flat out said he didn't wish to get married.
I thought that the OP was just upset as to his not having asked, yet. Am I wrong? Well anyway, her proposing will make him make a decision either way.
he won't propose-I'm heartbroken
