treated unfairly
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Old 02-23-2008, 04:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy treated unfairly

It's me again. I guess I am becoming a regular now. There was a little incident that happend the other day and I feel like my husband is lashing out on me. He found out somethings about his sister and he was not too happy about it and he was highly embarrased. Now, he is flipping it and saying I am judgemental and that I am keeping secrets about his siter. However it was not my place to say these things to him.

Today I went to the store to pick up something and I decided to turn around and come home. He did not know I was home so he was in the bathroom talking bad about me to his friend. That I am judgemental, that he feels like he always gets the short end of the stick, that I act like I am so perfect and a virgin on and on, things I have heard before when we have argued. I stood there until he opened the door and he was caught. So to be manly with his friend he continued to complain so I started to argue with him back. I could tell that the friend was trying to calm him down. Now I am fuming and I feel like I hate my husband. I can't seem to see the good things right now and I am sick of it. Of course there are more good days then bad days. However, he is very critical and he tries to be a bully but I don't back down and he hates that. I don't like this one second you love me one secound you hate me. We have gone to counseling a couple of years back but the problem has always remained. Now don't get me wrong it's not like this all the time but he is very immature and he feels like when he talks he is saying how he feels, which is putting me down. Which is ok to him.

Now if I was to analyze my own situation. I would tell my self that your husband is immature and insecure. That I need to communicate more and that we need more counseling.

My husband is one of those men who will not go back to counseling because he feels like there is nothing wrong with him. Communication just leads to fights because he always drags the the old stuff. Accusations of what I did in the past, which I really did not do.

At this point I just feel hopeless. I really don't know what to say.

Last edited by fredfoxw28; 02-23-2008 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 02-23-2008, 06:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

One thing that is for sure; if you get involved in in-law stuff there is going to be a fight for sure.
If you caught him talking to his friend and using the same language he has to you when you fight, I think you can deduce that he really feels that way, and I think you can deduce that he is really hurt about it. If I were you, I would make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Perhaps you two could make an agreement that you won't discuss each other with friends or relatives, that you will save that for private discussions and your counselor. Stop hurting each other! That is a sure way to marital disaster.
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Old 02-23-2008, 10:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

In this situtation I was told information that I could not relay to my husband. I did not want to get involved but when the truth came out, I felt like I could confess and let him know I had nothing to do with it and then that's when he turned on me. This situation is just one of many examples. I feel my husbands loyalty is to his friends and his family not to me and it should be the other way around. Even his friends have spoken to him and said that he is being irrational but he is just stuck with anger. I just don't even want to be around him right now.

He is a very critical person and if you don't agree with him he has an issue with that. I think it has to do with the way he was raised. His father is a pastor and it's always been about appearances. The father is the man of the house and he can say and do whatever he wants and it's suppose to be ok. Well I was not raised that way. I was raised to be independent and to speak up. So we can definitely clash. So he loves to say I think I am better then everyone else. I think he is just says that because I don't do the things he does and I don't condone them. Which is drinking in excess, smoking, staying out all night (if he could) his collection of porn under the bed. He knows how I feel about those things but I do not get on his case about it. As long as I don't see it that's your business. I feel like I am rambling on but, it feels good.
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

From what I can see, there is a clash between 2 very very strong personalities. You need a mediator, someone who is not involved with the issues, not a friend, but a counselor. So, keep going to counseling, even if he thinks there's nothing wrong with him, then point out that you think there are things wrong with the marriage so it could be a way to decide what to do.
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Old 02-24-2008, 12:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

I do need to go to counseling. I don't know if he will even entertain the idea. I do have a strong personality but I am not mean. My husband however, does not fight fair. He tries to put me down when he realizes he is wrong, like when it's about sex and he feels he is not getting enough. He says I have a sex defeciency. Which I know is not true. He has personal insecurities about sex. He has been raised in a way that whatever comes out of his mouth or whatever he says he does not have to be accountible for. I am not like that. I try to watch my words and make sure I do not hurt his feelings, but enough is enough. So right about now we are not talking at all. He's in the bedroom and I'm in the living room.

Now if we were a normal couple we would talk about the issue but talking to him is like talking to a raging maniac. Starts off slow then it's like let me find everyting I can dig up about you and throw it in her face.

That's why I choose not to talk to protect my self from his lashing. Which I know you counselors out there would call stone walling. It's just easier to go that route because he won't listen or he will agree and then when the next argument comes around he acts the same way like a broken record.
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Old 02-25-2008, 08:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

Update. We talked yesterday and he apologized for acting irrationally. He also said that he did not want someone else's problems to effect our marriage. I guess he realized even though that was his sister, he coud not control her life and it was not worth breaking up our marrige over someone elses problem. In the mean time I am trying to work on my self. I have always believed in communication but I am going to try to be more empathetic to the needs of the marriage.
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Old 02-25-2008, 10:30 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

Hey I know exactly how you feel, my husband is the same way. I have often found myself acting the same way to get back at him but have relized that is not the answer. So what do we do??
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Old 02-25-2008, 11:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

Fredfox28

Sound like there are several issues at play here but they all revolve around communication. You want to and he doesn’t. If counseling is out of the question you will both need to begin to talk and get the issues out on the table. I’m not sure how your husband can rationalize saying he doesn’t have a problem when there is alcohol abuse, pornography and bad behavior involved. Sound like each of these issues affect you and you need to make him understand that they hurt you. Getting some one who doesn’t want to communicate is a tough challenge but can be done. But it is difficult to do without appearing to badger him making him through up his defenses. Blaming you is a defense, nothing more. Maybe try to pick one topic that bothers you and explain why it hurts. Pick one that is obvious and that you can easily explain and defend your position. Keep the other baggage on the turnstile for now and just concentrate on one area. Start to build the communication in a defined area. Good luck.
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Old 02-25-2008, 01:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

I will keep that in mind. I have no problem getting him to talk. It's sometimes getting him to shut up about certain things. He is very insecure and it's his insecurities that are causing the problems. He acknowledge he has a problem and he says he will try to control himself. In the meantime, I will keep the communication lines open. I'll keep you posted. Thanks guys!
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Old 02-25-2008, 01:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: treated unfairly

Hi Kyredchick,
I know what you mean. Your damned if you do an damned if you don't. Sometimes it's just easier to just leave it alone.
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