"Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage--barring some health problem.
Knowing this, a spouse denying intimacy to the other is indulging in deliberate hostility"
Sorry but I don't agree with this - and I think it's the reason that many marriages break down. Assuming that it's a deliberate act of hostility will lead to hostility in return and so on. There are MANY other reasons for with-holding sex apart from hostility or health problems (stress, fear, pain, anxiety, lower libido) than deliberately being hostile. I'm not saying that it is never done deliberately, because I'm sure this also happens, but I think that the other options should be investigated first before you jump to a conclusion like that.
I agree that not having it in a marriage is awful, but making one person feeling guilty for not giving it is probably not going to help.
But ... there's always a but. As one of the many males encountering this issue with their spouse, I can tell you that it isn't about making your partner feel guilty. It's about being fair. It's about being perceived by your partner as a sex-crazed deviant for having the audacity to ask, cajole, insist, plead, for sex - irregardless of frequency (usually measured in weeks or months).
Even if we acknowledge that there are extraneous issues or circumstances compounding the problem, we are the ones colored as insensitive or selfish. My wife did experience physical discomfort with intercourse for years. I encouraged her to speak with a physician, we focussed on foreplay, we used hi-tech, space age lubricants. Keep in mind, that at most, we were being intimate roughly every 6-8 weeks. She was dismissive. There was no 'problem'. 'My expectations were too high''. Every married couple is the same way'. On and on.
Basically, I tried being loving, reasonable, supportive, encouraging. At the end of the day, she was using guilt on me for asking. Things turned around when it became clear to her that I had no intention of living the rest of my life in a partnership with this dynamic, and the reality was, it had become hostile. Very hostile. All because it had become easier over time to avoid or deflect dealing with it, than actually addressing the foundation of the problem. It is unfortunate that the circumstances must deteriorate to such a point and become such an onus, rather than communicating and responding to one another favorably at the first sign of cracks in the relationship.
When she does give in to my asking for sex (about once or twice a month) it is usually done so with stipulations of no kissing or much touching.
It's a shame that ahubby seems to have left updating this thread, I hope I'm not typing into that vacuum otherwise known as cyberspace...
I feel that ahubby is being sent a huge message by his wife and she is waiting for a response. I don't think it's beyond saving, but at the moment she appears not to love or fancy him at all. However, he seems to think it is something wrong with her sex drive. That would not explain what can only be described as her revulsion for him. Sorry to be so direct.
I have to say to think sex is something that is owed because your married is just wrong. Yes there should be sex in a marriage to make it healthy, but just because one of the partners in the relationship is having trouble with it does not mean it has something to do with not finding the other partner attractive. Most the time it has to do with emotional and physical problems, like just being to stressed out to even think of enjoying sex, or having a low sex drive. Some woman do find sex uncomfortable and should go to the doctor about it. If its uncomfortable who would want to do it. I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not. No one said she has revulsion towards him if its been happening since they got together then that is not it. I am thinking it has to do with something personally to her and really has nothing to do with him. Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse. Also people should not be so judgementel we are only getting one side of the story here and while he is seeing it one way shes probably seeing it totally different. To say you think you know what she is probably thinking is usually not what she is thinking.
I'm reading all these posts with fascination as I also had issues with sex and would deny my husband for weeks on end. Maybe I can shed some light for some of the other husbands out there. I was abused as a child and continued to have a string of abusive bfs and one attempted rape as a young adult. Before I met my husband it was easy for me to have sex with someone, because I didn't love them so it didn't mean anything and having sex was almost a way of proving that I wasn't affected. With my husband it was different because I had to give so much more of myself to have sex with someone I love. Needless to say that my husband is a saint in this department and I'm sure he spent many a sleepless and frustrated night, but what really helped was talking about things and spending lots of time being physically intimate without having sex. For most women that have been abused they will still feel used every time they have sex, even though they know that you love them. It makes no sense! You have to help her to see that you're not using her. Not easy. You will also need to be sure that you love her and she's worth it because it will take a lot of patience to restore a normal sexual relationship. Don't give up and force her to tackle it and talk about it - don't let her just ignore it or bury it because you'll never have a normal sexlife then. Even if things with my husband don't work out now I owe him the world for teaching me that sex can be a beautiful and normal thing.
I feel like your talking to me. I would like to talk to you more about this or someone with the same thoughts.. I need help understanding my wife
I am in the complete opposite situation my marriage has lack of communication except in the bed room. I love sex I love everything about it, the one thing many men may need to do is ask not what you can do for me but what I can do for you...I know that in these possible abusive situations this will not work so please do not misunderstand that part. Ask you wife or girlfriend what do they like, do they even know? Maybe they think sex is really just for the guy...let me tell you ladies the best sex i have even had is when my husband is on the same page as I am. I can talk dirty without being judged I can have fantasies and not feel like I am a immoral person because I want to have sex. My H and I though dealing with other issues do have a fantastic sex life I have been married for 5 years and we still have sex sometime as much as 3 to 4 times a week. I like that we can explore each others likes and dislikes he likes porn it is ok I like it too, not all the time and not evertime just for fun. I guess what I am trying to say is sex is not and should not be considered a chore. Sorry for the ranting good luck I feel real bad for the guys getting or not getting it I should say.
I have to say to think sex is something that is owed because your married is just wrong. Yes there should be sex in a marriage to make it healthy, but just because one of the partners in the relationship is having trouble with it does not mean it has something to do with not finding the other partner attractive. Most the time it has to do with emotional and physical problems, like just being to stressed out to even think of enjoying sex, or having a low sex drive. Some woman do find sex uncomfortable and should go to the doctor about it. If its uncomfortable who would want to do it. I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not. No one said she has revulsion towards him if its been happening since they got together then that is not it. I am thinking it has to do with something personally to her and really has nothing to do with him. Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse. Also people should not be so judgementel we are only getting one side of the story here and while he is seeing it one way shes probably seeing it totally different. To say you think you know what she is probably thinking is usually not what she is thinking.
ya see, the problem is that the person with the problem (physical or emotional) is not dealing with it by getting help. the person with the problem KNOWS they are not providing their partner with basic needs of intimacy, yet they refuse in many cases to acknowledge it, deal with it and hold up their end of the marriage. what is the other partner to do? try to help but if the response just isnt there, then.............
---I don't like it that someone thinks a person is just holding out and being selfish...while that maybe true in some cases, I think most the time it is not.---
I would tend to think that if physical discomfort, or some other "acceptable" excuse is the reason behind the withholding, that the withholder would be very forthcoming in order to get the victim off her back. If she keeps avoiding discussion, making fake excuses, and blowing him off with no explanation whatsoever, he is NOT going to want it LESS.
Its like saying "well maybe if I just stop feeding the dog, the dog will stop begging me for food". If you don't mind killing the dog, I guess that will work.
---Pushing it probably just makes her feel worse and makes the problem worse.---
Agreed, but there is also the problem of "implied acceptance". The victim does not want the withholder to think that a lack of protest actually constitutes acceptance. The victim does not want the withholder to turn around and say "oh, you're upset about that? Well this is the first I'm hearing of it". The victim does not want the withholder to think that the problem can be ignored out of existence.
---When she does give in to my asking for sex (about once or twice a month) it is usually done so with stipulations of no kissing or much touching.---
And from personal experience, I can tell you that "agree to her because its this or nothing" is going through his head. When she makes you wait a month or two, you don't risk turning her away.
I agree with everything that is being said about the withholder refusing to acknowledge that there is a problem. Though in many cases, I am skeptical whether that is just a deflection tactic.
You used the word "victim" in that post at least 3 times. That is the problem. Who wants to be a victim? If your gf knew you would leave after even a 2 week sex strike -like I would- she would be different. But then you would be different.
What is to gain by saying no to the sex you don't want? My wife has high Anxiety, I’d say that she somewhat bipolar and a whole lot of OCD, but she disagrees. Our relationship progressed very fast we ended up pregnant and married in just over a year. I knew she had anger issues, but I could always say enough and go home. That changed when we had the baby, I’m not leaving him. She says that her “anxiety and anger” are from her child hood. I agree, knowing what I know now about it. She and we have tried counseling several times, but she always stops when she can’t hide anymore. Which is why the posting by adviceseeker, made so much sense to me. When we were dating it was a frenzy of fun and sex, too much at times….. I can’t believe I’m saying that now, but it is the truth. Now, I think she has sex with me every couple of months as a token. I want to say no, but some is better then none or is it? I feel her actions are do to being married and living in the same house she can’t hide her true self from me. Her way of hiding from her issues are to with drawl emotionally until I’m so frustrated that I’m ready to walk out the door or to project her inner feelings on me so that she can blame me for something. I then end up being the cause of her withholding emotions and affection. She has tried almost every medication on the market, not long enough to dial it in for her chemical make up. She’ll start feeling good, stop taking the meds then 2 months later were ready for a divorce. As for me talking to her about it, again it’s my fault. We don’t fight much any more, because I stay away from her “triggers” as I find them. I pick my fights and hope for better the next day, knowing that it’s not likely to change. I feel like it’s my burden to bear for the sake of my son and step daughter.
Of course it makes sense. But if she knew you were on the verge of leaving for good, she might be motivated to work on it. This is the only deal that cuts it in a situation like yours.
In a way, by your compliance you have trained her to be lazy.
Re: Almost sexless marriage
