juls

You know after so many yrs of my hubby dealing with this he finally said it has to change or I am done. And we did seperate, but for nly a month. It took me less than that month to realze that I was about to loose everything I wanted in a man because I was to afraid to give in to valnurability...

Chopblock

Juls:

I'd love to hear more details about the specifics of your resolution.

1) Do you believe he would have followed through if you had not returned? Ie: if you, during said month, decided not to get back together, would he have done the divorce thing?

2) Do you ever think he wonders whether or not you were sincere in getting back together? I have considered telling gf I'm calling it quits, and following through. However there would always be a doubt in my mind if she came back about whether she really wanted me, or just didn't want to be without the house/car/benefits...

3) What was the vulnerability that you felt you were afraid to give in to?

I am not far from being forced to make the same ultimatum myself. I don't want to, but I don't see anything else carrying the necessary weight.

juls

HE had gotten to the point that yes he would have followed through. I was so wrapped up in every other aspect of life that I had left him behind. And I knew when he said I'm done something was really wrong, it's sad that it took me getting to that point to open my eyes...

He did "wonder" what my intentions were for a while. He did communicate those fears to me..He worried I was "just giving in to get him back and then back to square one"...But in time he realized this was not the case.

My fear issues boiled down to me. I feared giving "ALL" of myself to anyone person. I gave what I thought I could handle loosing and kept the one thing I knew I still had conrol over and that was my sexuality. I feared if I gave all of everything I had in me that he would use to to hurt me. (baggage sucks). When in reality me withholding did more harm. I have a man whom loves me and everything about me and wanted to share it all with me. But I choose to keep the key thing that makes relationships into marriages..

I remember I used to say to him.."Well I have been cleaning your house all day and taking care of your kids and I'm tired now, how dare you get mad at me for not having sex with you"...He finally got to the point he said to me "you know I can get a maid to do all that, I want YOU. I want the intimacy and passion back and if I have to hire a maid so you won't be to tired for me then so be it"..and he is right..Now I know this. Now I know that the dishes could have waited and that time with him is more important.

He is a wonderful, very fair man. ANd he just got to his breaking point almost 3 years ago. See he could have mimiced so many other men and women I read about..."other than our sex life EVERYTHING is fine"..That was us...We had a wonderful open line of communication marriage, except sex.

I hope this makes sense it's 5 am and I am trying to type!

Chopblock

***But I choose to keep the key thing that makes relationships into marriages..

This is a very powerful and true statement. We often hear the flip side ("we're roommates") but seldom someone admitting. I know you've been through a powerful journey and learned a lot and am happy to hear it worked out.

***cleaning your house all day and taking care of your kids

Pet peeve here: I hate when a person tells his/her spouse "your kids" when they are "our"s.

***"you know I can get a maid to do all that, I want YOU. I want the intimacy and passion back and if I have to hire a maid so you won't be to tired for me then so be it"..and he is right..Now I know this.

Yeah this is the crux of it. If there's zero sex and lacking emotional intimacy, then really what is either person getting.

What you said about being afraid to give though was also very enlightening. I can imagine from his point of view, he also felt a bit insulted or shortchanged. Its like: "I MARRIED you, we have two kids together, where do you get off withholding anything on the grounds of "being afraid""

I am so happy to hear that things worked out, I really am. I had been afraid of getting to that breaking point and issuing an ultimatum or similar. I know before I do that, I will try forcing conversation. I'm sick of getting the "I don't want to talk about it" or "not now" or any other excuses for lacking in communication. I can see though that if she still uses those excuses, then its time to imply we might be better off taking a break.

pigpen

Chopblock - you decide what IS the most important thing. Yeah, for a lot of people and couples sex is very important. It is not so important to others. But if it is important to YOU and she is not talking to you or actively trying to figure out why she does not want sex - then you have more problems than sex.

I used to think a few months in a marriage was nothing to go sexless. And in the whole scheme of life a few months is really nothing. But not talking about it, not seeking answers is way more problematic and even if the sex comes back that other problem will still be there.
Lots of people are "perfectly good" but maybe they are not the right ones for us.

showmomof2

I quit kissing my husband. He chews and has developed HORRIBLE mouth hygiene. I haven't kissed him in years. He knows why and doesn't feel the need to change it.
Sorry for your situation. We still have sex...not as much as either of us would like, but it is there and very enjoyable.

Cindy

You sound so sweet and sad. I think your wife was abused in the past. Apparently, sex reminds her of something horrible and the unwillingness to deal with it has caused her to miss out. Sex is mental and emotional for the ladies, so anything not in balance with either of those inferes with sex.

I was abused when I was younger and had the hardest time in the bedroom. I would have to remind myself, this is my husband, he loves me, and it's not dirty. When my husband finally told me he felt like a dirty old man whenever he asked me for sex b/c of the way I would react, I was heart broken. I decided I would not let what happened to me taint one more thing in my life. I would not let it rob me of my joy one more day. My husband had done nothing wrong and all he wanted was to show me love the way it was intended to be.

I no longer need my "mantra" and enjoy my husband when I can since we have 2 kids now. Sure, it still bothers me some days but I deal with as it comes, I refuse to be the victim anymore.

You should sit your wife down and gently ask her if she has been abused. Sometimes, horrible things are hard to get out on our own and we need someone to ask, ya know, open the door. Let her know she is safe and that you will love her no matter what. That you are there to believe her and support her. Hopefully, she will open up. If she has been abused and finally opens up, keep in mind it will not be a quick fix. She will need to process what she's been holding back and learn how to live with it in a healthy manner.

Hope it works out, sounds like you are a good husband. Hang in there!

Chopblock

Thank you Cindy, you make some excellent points. I remember her talking about vague stuff in the past, but never getting specific. While I'm perplexed, (given how sexually intense she was during the first part of our relationship) that these ghosts are reason to withhold now, I'll remain open to the possibility.

What you said about your husband not being responsible for atoning for someone elses crime is excellent. I feel I have given way too much to be held responsible for what someone else did.

I do hate being made to feel like I'm wrong for wanting sex with my partner, and not being told why.

Cindy

"While I'm perplexed, (given how sexually intense she was during the first part of our relationship) that these ghosts are reason to withhold now, I'll remain open to the possibility."

Chopblock, I was the same with my husband. Trust me, it's perplexing to me too. The best way I can explain it, is it's easier to have sex, for some abused people, with people you don't have much of a bond with. After having a sexual experience that causes you to have to disconnect emotionally to survive it, it's very intimidating (for lack of a better word) to give your whole self over. You're giving over the part you couldn't protect before, the physical, as well as the part you could, the emotional. For some people, that's too much at first.

If you read up on sexual abuse, you'll see that a lot of the victims act out by having either several partners or none at all. Of course, it's different for everyone.

You aren't to blame and shouldn't pay for another person's actions. Just try to continue to be patient (I know, easier said than done) and talk about it. You have to get it out in the open and deal with the ugliness. There really is no good reason to withhold sex, in my opinion, unless there's an injury or illness. Take care.

082206

i am in the same boat, sex with no passion, twice a month if i am lucky. I have been married 4 yrs but two yrs apart because of the Army. if my wife never has sex again she would probably be all to happy. i now sneak away to masturbate and no longer enjoy sex but i still crave it. my wife is a victim of rape and sexual abuse from previous relationships, and she makes me feel as if I were the rapist and it has been this way from before we were married. by the way we dated for a year before we were married and had sex for the first time on our wedding night, when she actually wanted to skip the sex part that night, i should have known, love is not just blind its blinding.

Corina

Sounds pretty sad if sex is the only thing that makes your partner feel like more than just a roommate to you

Chopblock

Finally after an 8+ month drought, gf tossed me a little salvation. I'm hoping not to have to wait 8 months for the next meal. I've already said how I never want to have to wait that long again, and I hope she realizes I'm serious. I don't want to make her feel like I'm threatening her, because then I'll just get unwilling compliance and resent. God I hate being so sensitive

Very sorry to hear about your situation 082206 -- our men in service deserve so much better. I'll bet when she said she wanted to skip the sex on the wedding night, you were thinking "ohhhhh crap".

adviceseeker

I'm reading all these posts with fascination as I also had issues with sex and would deny my husband for weeks on end. Maybe I can shed some light for some of the other husbands out there. I was abused as a child and continued to have a string of abusive bfs and one attempted rape as a young adult. Before I met my husband it was easy for me to have sex with someone, because I didn't love them so it didn't mean anything and having sex was almost a way of proving that I wasn't affected. With my husband it was different because I had to give so much more of myself to have sex with someone I love. Needless to say that my husband is a saint in this department and I'm sure he spent many a sleepless and frustrated night, but what really helped was talking about things and spending lots of time being physically intimate without having sex. For most women that have been abused they will still feel used every time they have sex, even though they know that you love them. It makes no sense! You have to help her to see that you're not using her. Not easy. You will also need to be sure that you love her and she's worth it because it will take a lot of patience to restore a normal sexual relationship. Don't give up and force her to tackle it and talk about it - don't let her just ignore it or bury it because you'll never have a normal sexlife then. Even if things with my husband don't work out now I owe him the world for teaching me that sex can be a beautiful and normal thing.

michzz

Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage--barring some health problem.

Knowing this, a spouse denying intimacy to the other is indulging in deliberate hostility.

Making love is a joyful glue that connects two people together far more than just about anything. Yes, it is the thing that sets a marriage up as more than two roommates living together. Not being able to have that would be intolerable in a marriage.

adviceseeker

"Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage--barring some health problem.

Knowing this, a spouse denying intimacy to the other is indulging in deliberate hostility"

Sorry but I don't agree with this - and I think it's the reason that many marriages break down. Assuming that it's a deliberate act of hostility will lead to hostility in return and so on. There are MANY other reasons for with-holding sex apart from hostility or health problems (stress, fear, pain, anxiety, lower libido) than deliberately being hostile. I'm not saying that it is never done deliberately, because I'm sure this also happens, but I think that the other options should be investigated first before you jump to a conclusion like that.

I agree that not having it in a marriage is awful, but making one person feeling guilty for not giving it is probably not going to help.