Help with marital problems...

Married8509 · 10-15-2009, 12:14 AM

Hi,
I have been married since 8/5/09 my husband and I get along great and we rarely argue... We normaly do not dissuce our previous relationships but at this point it is very hard because we both have children from previous relations... I do not speak with my childs father and he really speaks to his childrens mother... But I have noticed the last few days to almost a week he refers to all situations with my ex does this and did not have a problem so you should be fine. It irritates me so much that he would bring her up in casual conversations that we are trying to dissuse in his and mines marriage. I have no idea how to tell him that it hurts me or even how to subtly tell him that I do not appricate always being thought of after he brings her up to refer to the situation.... Someone if you have advise please help me!!!!!!!!!!

dobo · 10-15-2009, 09:46 AM

I don't understand making a subject that was a part of his life off-limits. His experiences with his ex-wife helped develop him into who he is today. So why be upset about it? She's an ex- for a reason.

I also don't understand cutting off your exes when there are children involved. What does that say to the kids? That half of who they are is no good?

Honestly, I think the two of you are causing your own problems by being so closed about people you once loved enough and thought enough of to marry and to make children with.

DawnD · 10-15-2009, 02:38 PM

I must have read the question wrong. I am assuming that you are upset about his comparing you to his ex-wife not about any contact going on. Am I right?? If I am then yes I would be a little upset with my husband comparing me to another woman. I would also try to talk to him about it and ask how he would feel if you compared him to other men in your past. The only answer for comparisons is hey, it may not have bothered her but it bothers me lol.

Sorry if I didn't understand the question, I am having a slow day lol

michzz · 10-15-2009, 02:44 PM

So he relies on an excuse during an argument or discussion that "it was good enough for my ex, so you have to do it that way"?

BS!

Fine to mention her from time to time, but using her as the reason you should react a certain way is silly.

That said, they need to discuss children's needs too.

But don't let the ex try to drive a wedge between you two.

dobo · 10-15-2009, 03:59 PM

If my husband and I disagree about something, I will ask *him* what his ex- thought about the subject. Her feelings only carry weight for me as to how he was treated in that marriage -- they tell me why he may think as he does. If he told me that I should not have a problem with such and such because she didn't, I'd laugh and ask him if he cares to go back to her because my requirements are certainly different than hers. But I wouldn't get all bent out of shape about it. It is a very immature approach to debate and one I wouldn't have a problem with swatting down.

So just be strong and don't care what his ex- had or didn't have a problem with. This is about you and your relationship so just redirect the discussion. Getting hurt doesn't get you what you want. It doesn't help. All it does is introduce a new problem on top of the one that still exists and didn't get resolved because you allowed a stupid crap argument to hurt your feelings.

Married8509 · 10-15-2009, 07:09 PM

Thank you every and DawnD you did read the question right I do not care if he speaks with her I do care if everything I do is compared to her cause we are trying to have a child and I take my pregnancy very seriosly he will tell me that his ex practicly od herr self while pregnant. And he tells me that he is terrified that I will do the same thing when he has talked to practicly everyone who was around me with my first pregnancy has told him how I took the best care of my self during pregnancy. Also everything I do and say he jumps in with well my ex did this... DawnD you were a lot of help.... Thanks everyone for the answers...

Married8509 · 10-15-2009, 07:14 PM

Dobo we are not cutting off the part of our lives who made us who we are... I cut off my sons contact with his father because of domestic violence he caused against my son.. And I have no problem his he talks to the mother of his children however when it comes to everything I do telling me that becasue she was able to do this and have no problems and telling me that i should be fine is a mistake... Different people have different reactions to things... I have no issues with the contact... We are actually try to keep contact with her to get joint custody of the kids.

dobo · 10-15-2009, 07:16 PM

Maybe this is his only experience with a woman and he is sharing the only thing he knows?

What's "od herr self"? Offed herself? Overdosed?

He's telling you he's afraid of losing you, right? How is that putting you down? If his ex-practically killed herself during that time or harmed herself and their baby, doesn't he have a right to have a fear in this area? I know you're not her, but he's not responding to that -- he is responding to his own fear of knowing how scared he is of losing you and the baby.

I honestly think a little bit of therapy would be good for the two of you. If you could just look at things a little differently and give him a little more credit, I think you'd both be a lot happier.

outinthecold · 10-16-2009, 09:37 AM

Speak up girl,

men don't get it,

men don't get it,

men don't get it

Do you ever wonder why at go-go places they have

"Girls, Girls, Girls" three(3) times

Who do you think made up "Location, Location, Location" it was a woman learning to sell to a man.

Speak Up

DawnD · 10-19-2009, 08:38 AM

I do think it is great that you don't have any issues with him contacting her and trying to get joint custody of the kids. Not everyone can handle things like that, it says a lot that you are okay with it! I have met my fair share of people that really struggle with that.

I would really ask him WHY he feels the need to compare you to his ex. Is it out of fear? Is it just a habit? No one knows but him. Gotta lay it all out there for him and tell him hey, I don't appreciate every little thing I do being compared to how your ex would do it. Make it clear you have no problems with her or the kids, but you are your own person and you can't compare the ex with the wife. That's just......weird