Well after a long in depth conversation we came to the realization that neither of us are currently happy at all in our marriage. It has been this way for both of us for quite some time.
She had no been unfaithful and I find no reason for her to have lied about this, though it does not really matter at this point.
There are several things that took me by surprise:
1) Her pain during intercourse, made her feel "squimish" anytime we even hugged. She realizes it wasn't my fault but she said there is something subconsious or whatnot she couldn't explain about me being the one that caused her that physical pain.
2) Apparently there was a guy who she dated 6 years ago or so, before we dated that "has a piece of her heart locked away". She hasn't seen him since we started dating. (I was the first she had intercourse with) Well she claims that she hates this man logically but can't control her emotions for him. She says on a ladder, logic+emotion I would be on top but emotion to emotion I fall short. Again she hasn't even seen this guy in several years.
3) Even if she did not have pain during intercourse she would not want to be intimate with me as things are currently.
4)She has felt uncomfortable for several weeks sleeping in the same bed as me due to this.
We decided to go to counseling and see if there is any chance to salvage this relationship. But it does not look good at this point.
Looks like separate beds, separate rooms for now. I just don't see where I went wrong.
There is a sense of relief (is this normal?)
It also seems at the same time like a bad dream.
Though maybe she hides her emotions it doesn't seem to be effecting her as much.
I am not certain she hasn't been in contact with him. I asked she said no. She went to a club where he used to go (that same gay club) he goes there for whatever reason. They had met at one of those gay straight alliance meetings in high school.
She says she thinks about him at times when driving past the house he used to live at but hasn't seen him, says she is unsure if he even still lives in the city. She said it crossed her mind if he would show up at that gay club.
Seems she is hanging onto something with him, the guy cheated on her with another girl in the bathroom at some party when they dated, while she stood outside the door. I can't even comprehend why she would still have feelings for him after that. But when I refer to him as a dirt bag or POS, she says there are things about him I don't know, that she doesn't share with me, and that all I know is that story she told me about that.
But anyhow I don't think this is anything the MC will be able to help with, I just have a feeling its done with.
I just feel like giving up, I really feel I don't deserve this, I have done nothing but give her all my love, and for her to say I fall below this guy on an emotional level infuriates me inside.
Had a very long conversation last night and discussed many things. She wants to "seperate" but remain in the same home, which just wont work for me. I can't heal if I'm seeing her every day.
Basically we are most likely going to end up filing for divorce, put the house on the market and both live here until it sells. I'm not going to pay for a mortgage and rent, and she can't afford to pay the mortgage. So really no other options.
She now tells me she thinks its unfair to me that she has this physical problem (endometriosis) and the issues herself to not want any type of physical contact with me at this point, not even hugs etc. She says she doesn't know if she loves me, she's not sure what love is, but she thinks she loves me, if it is love that she is feeling.
Should I try to work through this with a MC or just move out and get on with my life?
All I know is as angry and frustrated and hurt as I am at the moment, there is still some thing, I have no idea why, that draws me back. For some reason I still feel like if I'm home near her things will be alright.
Location: Some days Misery USA, some days Blah USA and most days Happy USA
Re: Not sure where to go from here
What IS normal at this time is to be confused, angry, lost, hurt, confused, frustrated, numb, confused ... oh and did I say confused?
Don't make any decision based upon your feelings during this time. Feelings are fickle and they change based upon the circumstance and the stimuli around them. It's hard to be clear thinking at a time like this but that is where you have to get to.
Examine your values, your life dreams, and what you can and cannot live without.
As an example, IF you have always been a fighter and persistently dig in and go through anything to win in the end, then that's what you need to do here. Exhaust all possibilities. IF, on the other hand, you've always been one to shrug off the difficult or things that just "aren't worth the trouble" and move on, then that's what you need to do. Reminder, those are just examples but they should give you a picture of what is "right" for you based on what you've ALWAYS lived like.
You know yourself ... so be true to yourself is what I'm trying to point out.
I personally think she's confused too. She's throwing out things that she "thinks" is the cause of her unhappiness but she hasn't let herself really admit what IS causing her unhappiness. Until she figures it out and is honest with herself AND you, you're trying to make decisions in response to her bouncing from reason to reason that has nothing to do with reality.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sucks and it hurts and it's NOT fair but it is your life at the moment. Hang in there. Life has a way of changing in spite of us.
Give yourself time to calm down, think clearly, and remember who YOU are.
Well many of you were right, once we "seperated" I saw text messages on her phone along the lines of "I miss you badly, when can I see you again" "Your going to be the end of me" blah blah blah....
When confronted... guess who... the mystery man that she couldn't get her mind off. The guy she dated before we dated before we were married. She claims he never showed up until she just happened to see him at the club after we were separated... right, because I'm that dumb.
Divorce it is... onward. This sucks... you trust someone with your life and this happens... I will never make this mistake again.