I have read this forum alot. I love reading and I think it gives me greater insight into my marriage. But now I'm just too the point I need to get this out there, I need to figure out why it's going on (which I know the reason) and what to do.
Background: Dh and I are 8 years apart in age, I being the latter. He has 7 children including out 2. yes...theres a sign right there sister! I saw it, I chose to ignore it. The first was with his high school sweetheart, her parents didn't approve of him he joined the army, and so on until said sweetheart married new husband and new husband adopted said daughter. The second is a woman he met while exploring his new world. Said woman had 3 children and atleast 5 abortions. NOW LOOK AT THAT ONE!!! He participated in killing unborn children, how do you ignore that? You blame it all on said "woman". Push it all down below. Following this it was a woman who kind of just used him as a sperm donor, but everyone knows its his kind of thing. That's just weird in itself. I really ignored that one!! And than me. I dreamed of family and happiness and boy howdy did he sure come at the right time. I instantly fell in love. He was kind, generous, a gentle man. I mean I really am in love with him right this very minute. We've been inseperable ever since. The beginning was HORRID! We fought constantly. Even came to a few physical parts. Now I know you are saying, why didn't you leave than and other things, but I started these fights. I literally would throw things and jump on him. OF course alcohol was involved. I had just turned 21, I worked as a bartender, and I had no care in the world. I loved him though...it didn't make sense. He cheated I cheated. We ignored it, swallowed it and moved on. We eventually got to a point were it was okay. We were happy. We became pregnant, got our own house, had 2 of his boys (mom dropped and ran off), we had it all. Mom decided to come back took off with boys, they foreclosed our home, dh was laid off. And we lost it all in a matter of 4 months. We're going through custody battles, alcohol addiction(dh) I got pregnant again when my daughter was 9 months old. So now I have a toddler and a baby. Almost 2 toddlers actually.
Now here I am I haven't thought anything about his past didn't really worry about anything. But don't take that wrong, in no way am I jealous, I'm not scared that any of them are going to come back, nothing like that. But damn I'm not even baby momma #2 I'm like...8 it feels like. This has just happened recently btw. I've noticed that when he says that he feels like something is missing between us, I always look deep inside to find what is missing. Maybe it is that I'm your first childs mother connection. It just makes me very...ugh.
I'm not stuck in no means with him, I want to be with him. I love him, he is the father of my children and no matter what I know that we can work through anything. But what am I supposed to do, there is nothing that can be done. I just...it makes me extremely sad that it took 2 years of marriage and my 2 children before I could know the real him. I know what I fell in love with, and it just seems that isn't my husband anymore.
I just feel numb. I just have sat and looked deep inside myself for the past two weeks and these are the things I've realized. I can't even say I'm sorry because I love my children and I love my husband and I love our life. I don't know anymoe I feel lost and alone. Do I talk to my husband about how I feel? What do I even say?