Why won't he defend me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-03-2009, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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Why won't he defend me?

My husband and I have been married for a little over two years now and on several occasions between his mom, her boyfriend and his grandmother have put me down and. They don't think I'm good enough for him. His grandmother is the worst. His grandmother and I didn't get along when we first started dating but our entire marriage we haven't argued once.
But out of nowhere she calls and leaves the nastiest voice mail
calling me lazy, worthless. Saying there are too many pretty women out there he could be with. That he deserves a better wife and my son deserves a better mother! That I'm trash. I don't understand why. I had talked to her on the phone like a week earlier and everything was fine. I'm eight months pregnant with our second son so I'm sure you can imagine how all this has made me feel. I just cried for nearly an hour. And he told me he was going to speak with her but it's been days and he has avoided speaking with her. In fact, anytime his mother or her boyfriend has gotten rude with me he has always avoided saying anything to them. I don't understand. We have talked about this kind of thing before and how much it hurts my feelings but he never does anything about it. I already feel like I'm not good enough for him anymore. I love him so much. He is such a wonderful man but I just don't get it. Does he just not care? Does he really feel the same way about me that they do? What should I do? I don't know how I'm going to handle this crap my whole life.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-03-2009, 08:59 PM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

Was grannie drunk calling?

Sounds like it.

If I were you, I'd start ignoring the old bird. She could be getting dementia.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-04-2009, 10:45 AM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

It sounds to me like he's afraid of earning their disapproval. I'd tell him that if he doesn't start standing up for you, then you're going to do it for yourself, and that will get messy.

Of course, if he doesn't stand up for you, then he gets attention from them. "Oh, poor you....etc..etc..."

I feel for you. I went through the same thing with my ex's family. It's horrible.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-04-2009, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

i have already told him that i'm gonna have to speak up for myself since he won't but it doesn't seem to phase him one bit. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i'm becoming depressed and i can't even look him in the eye or i'll tear up. he knows what's wrong with me. i know it shows through. but he doesn't what to bring it up. i'm eight months pregnant and falling into depression and i don't know what else to say to him. he makes me feel like all the hateful things that were said about me are true or that he believes them himself. i'm really lost right now
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-05-2009, 08:49 AM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

Hi logansmom, first let me start out by saying that you are right to feel the way you do. You are being treated disrespectfully you don't deserve that.

I want to mention a couple of things though just to make sure that you understand both yours and your husbands side of this. I am not defending him, I am simply trying to point out something that you may already be aware of but if not, IMHO, it is very important that you know this so you can both try to figure out how to fix this or get your mother in law off your back and your husband in your corner in a way that he can support you on this.

OK, here goes: have you considered how he feels and the predicament he is in. I know he needs to support you, you are his wife and should be his primary concern but put yourself in his shoes - you are asking him to choose between his wife and his mother. WOW! I can't think of a more difficult situation to be in. Imagine if you were given a choice to choose between you and your mother. That is not easy if you really love both your wife and your parents. So, with that said, maybe someone else on here can give you some ideas on how to approach him where you don't put him in the position to choose between you two. He has to be taking this hard, it can be an immense amount of pressure. There has to ne a way for him to have a long conversation with his mother and set her straight but in a civilized manner where she will not feel offended by her son. As a parent, it is very difficult to swallow when the child that you dedicated your life to raising now appears to be turning against you.

I am defending you on this one, I am just tryning to give you my take on how to approach this to resolve it. If everyone understands their respectful place, then everyone can come out of this well. I wish the best for you and your H. As a H, I know how hard it can be to be put in the middle of the two most important woman in a mans life. And having to chose one over the other is a VERY VERY VERY last resort so the ideal thing is to get the perpetraitor of the problem to change their way. Who knows, maybe a good talk between your H and his mother will eventually even get you an apology from her - if she opens up her eyes and realizes what she is doing to her son.

Anyway, just my take on it.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-05-2009, 10:02 AM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

As a man, I have to agree, being put in the untenable position of choosing between my wife and my mother would be impossible.

However, it should not come down to that. They should not be leaving horrible messages on your voicemail!

If he won't speak up there is nothing stopping you from doing so.

One thing you didn't mention previously that is very significant. You are about to have a baby!

Congratulations! This is exciting and very good.

It's also a time that is very emotional and dramatic too.

If I were you, I would focus on yourself and your life changes running right at you fast. The in-laws? Start minimizing your contact.

And just delete any drunken or mentally unstable messages left on your voicemail.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-05-2009, 10:34 AM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

this isn't even a close call for me

if my mother trashed my wife when we were together, or even now actually, i'd shut her down without a second thought.

your husband's mom's job is to support her son's marriage.

if she feels she can't in good conscience do that then it's her job to get the hell out of the way and let her son live his life.

your husband has to realize his mom, when trashing you, is dissing him as well, telling him through more than strong inference that he's made very bad choices when he married you.

the more pertinent question you need to ask, directed at your husband, is, 'do you agree with your mom'

and the next question you need to ask, directed at yourself, is 'what's wrong with my marriage that i don't clearly understand how my husband feels about me'

andand sure you could let the mominlaw have it with both verbal barrels, but in the end what will that accomplish except to slide you into the mud with her, which very well may be where she wants you to be.

it's your husband's job to make this right, and if he doesn't then you need to take a hard look at the 'man' you married.

andandand ignore the granny. she's just having a very senior moment most likely.

as a matter of fact you could have some fun with her

call her back and thank her for the kind words

that would compliment her confusion nicely.

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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-05-2009, 12:40 PM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

I agree that you are really in a bad position. Your husband should be standing up for you but you can really see how you are fighting against years of conditioning with his mom and grandmom. My parents gave me some great advice (in jest) saying that when you first get married you should move a minimum of 500 miles away from your family. They didn't really want me to do that but it worked out that I did. What happens is that you end up bonding as a couple and when you enter back into that family dynamic you are better able to leave some of these old (not saying boo to your mom) habits behind.

There is lots of good advice here. If you could put some distance between you two and his family, that might not be a terrible thing either.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-05-2009, 10:21 PM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

OH i know how you feel. my MIL trashed me in an email. I dont think i was that hurt about what she said, but more hurt that my H didnt stand up for me.

It took a couple of years but my H does stand up for me now. He has a lot of issues with his mom so it was a really hard thing for him to do. he has the "head in the sand" syndrome and some other issues about it all.

stand your ground and make your point clear, but also give it time. your H isnt a robot. he has his own issues to work through that dont have anything to do with how he feels about you. If you dont let the issue drop, but at the same time let him know you care about how he feels, then he will eventually come around. One thing i told my H however, was that i was not asking him to choose between his MIL and me, but i was asking him to learn how to have healthy boundaries so she could be part of the family.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 02-23-2017, 10:59 AM
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Re: Why won't he defend me?

Nope. You're a wuss like that dude. Cut the apron strings and stand up for her. Jesus, it's like men have no sense of dignity or courage. Ironic.

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