Should I give up or keep on trying?
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Old 06-22-2013, 08:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I give up or keep on trying?

My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have one lovely son. My husband is a very good person - kind, generous, caring, do chores inside the house, and fairly good looking. But, I no longer have "feeling" for him. I know that because I rarely have sexual desire for him and don't really miss him when I travel for work for weeks.

I often asked myself why. I think it may have to do with the lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy. I like to read books and he never reads. He likes playing video game and I loathe video games. I get distracted when he talks about his work day as I find the topics boring. Our common topics on the dinning table is often centered around our son. Even when he is around, I often feel lonely and there is a big void inside of me.

We went to marriage counseling, twice in the last 5 years. Things did get better for a while but never stick. We now have sex only once or twice a month, which makes him very unhappy. We both realized that we can't go on like this forever and we have to make a decision, give up or make some big changes to make things work. I don't know if it is possible to fall in love again. What if we are not compatible to begin with? Should I keep trying for the sake of our son?
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Old 06-22-2013, 08:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

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Originally Posted by CuriousMinded View Post
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have one lovely son. My husband is a very good person - kind, generous, caring, do chores inside the house, and fairly good looking. But, I no longer have "feeling" for him. I know that because I rarely have sexual desire for him and don't really miss him when I travel for work for weeks.

I often asked myself why. I think it may have to do with the lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy. I like to read books and he never reads. He likes playing video game and I loathe video games. I get distracted when he talks about his work day as I find the topics boring. Our common topics on the dinning table is often centered around our son. Even when he is around, I often feel lonely and there is a big void inside of me.

We went to marriage counseling, twice in the last 5 years. Things did get better for a while but never stick. We now have sex only once or twice a month, which makes him very unhappy. We both realized that we can't go on like this forever and we have to make a decision, give up or make some big changes to make things work. I don't know if it is possible to fall in love again. What if we are not compatible to begin with? Should I keep trying for the sake of our son?

Think you need to tell him the truth and decide.

From what I found it is exceedingly rare to fall back in Love once its gone for a woman. I live that everyday being on the other end.
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Old 06-22-2013, 09:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Love is doing for someone else, without expecting anything in return. Now, do you do this for your husband, and does he do it for you?
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Old 06-22-2013, 09:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

Desire, passion, despair are feelings. How would you feel if you found out your husband was with another woman, and answer honestly?
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Old 06-22-2013, 09:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

My wife and I are going through something similar. Deep down I don't think we are attracted to each other. I know that my wife doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I like it better when my wife is away.

We have been together 20 years and what scares me is that if we stay together any longer, we will end up hating each other. Since my wife doesn't want to admit she doesn't love me, I will have to be the one to separate.

It will be hard with our daughter.
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Old 06-22-2013, 10:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

@Thound - my husband and I both do things for each other without expecting anything in return, but I am not sure if it is driven by love, or by habit or sense of responsibility. If he finds someone who loves him deeply, I think I will be happy for him.
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Old 06-22-2013, 10:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

@TryingtoFigoutItout, I did tell him. We had very frank conversations about this. He felt hurt and thought he had done everything he could to make me happy. Can he do more? I think he can, but he is not willing to change who he is and I don't blame him for that.
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Old 06-22-2013, 10:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

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@TryingtoFigoutItout, I did tell him. We had very frank conversations about this. He felt hurt and thought he had done everything he could to make me happy. Can he do more? I think he can, but he is not willing to change who he is and I don't blame him for that.
He is not willing to "change who he is?!" Not to denigrate your marital pain but are you willing to change who you are?

I didn't think so.
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Old 06-23-2013, 02:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

It is actually out of respect that I said he is not willing to change who he is. I did not expect him to. It is more of an issue of compatibility.
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Old 06-23-2013, 03:24 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

How much time do you spend together? He likes video games and you like to read, but are there any other hobbies or interests you have in common that you could put more time into doing together? I think it's definitely possible to fall in love again, but you both have to be willing to put in the work and make your marriage top priority.

What attracted you to him in the beginning?

If you regularly travel for weeks at a time I can see that causing a disconnect.
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Old 06-23-2013, 03:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Desire, passion, despair are feelings. How would you feel if you found out your husband was with another woman, and answer honestly?

Such an interesting question. When I decided I was done with my ex I would not have cared if he was with another woman. That being said, there are plenty of spouses that don't really want their spouse but don't want someone else to have them. Those are the people that view spouses as property. Doesn't seem to be the case here. OP, if you wouldn't care it's probably best to let him go.
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Old 06-24-2013, 12:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

It depends if you want to go on to find new love, or if you are content to stay and live as roommates if you are compatible enough.

Is your son stressed out about the current state of your relationship, or does everyone get along on a daily basis?
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Old 06-25-2013, 01:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

You might not think it's right to "expect" him to change, but I think it's fair to give it a chance. I never understand how people "fall out of love" but really don't want to try to put it back! You don't start a fire by staring at a bundle of sticks. You start it by getting up, collecting the sticks, putting a little fluid on it, and setting it ablaze. Then you have to stoke that fire, add more sticks and logs, keep the flame burning. If you aren't actively doing anything to add more excitement, maybe you should try that!

I say before you just give up on 11 years, you try new things! Go on a cruise, a road trip, something fun. Start a new thing, like with my sister-in-law and her husband, after they went through a year-long separation, they started up a weekly bonfire with their kids in the backyard. Maybe you could find a video game that you could both get into. A book series. Or you could both keep reading and video games, respectively, as a private pleasure for your alone time!
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Old 06-30-2013, 01:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

Thank you all for the advice. I had decided to save my marriage and be the first one to change, add excitement, try something new, whatever it takes to bring the fire back. Unfortunately, he has already checked out and not willing to commit to making the effort. He told me he has a lot of anger that he can't let go. What should I do now?
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Old 07-01-2013, 03:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give up or keep on trying?

Let him tell you why he's angry. Give him time to let you know when, how, what etc. Take it in and listen while refraining from defending yourself. Whether it's nonsense or not give him the respect of your attention and attempt to understand. Ask questions, look for details and connect the dots on why he's angry. Maybe even apologize.

Set aside your own agenda for this short period of time and take this bullet for your marriage. I wish you well.

~Passio
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