I am new to this site...

bluebird · 03-17-2008, 09:08 AM

I am new to this site. I have read several topics. I did not realize so many of us are having problems in marriage..

I have been married for 14 yrs. I can honestly admit my marriage is dysfunctional. Now with that said, there is no drinking or drugs or cheating or abuse involved. I believe marriage can still dysfunctional with out the above mentioned. Some times I can go weeks and it does not bother me. Other times, I feel so freaking lonely

....

I am not going to bash my husaband.. I ve done that a lot with my friends. We both have our faults, and I think we are equally to blame in different ways...At first our marriage was good, not great, but good...I can not pinpoint one exact thing that made it turn the corner, I can say several things...

My husband is a good guy, he works two jobs, so I can be a stay at home mom. I do appreciate this. I have 2 kids in school and a 3 yr old at home. My kids are the most important thing to me. After being married, I feel that I am actually not cut out for marriage. I am very selfish. I said it, I am a selfish person. I am not selfish with my kids, its with my husnband. I always longed to be a mother, I dreamed of being somebodys mommy. I never dreamed of being married. Nobody twisted my arm to get married, I "was" in love with my husband..

14 yrs later.. I wonder how I got to this point... We are so dysfunctional.. I have stopped saying "I love you" to him about 2 yrs ago..even when I was saying it, it was forced, and felt so phoney, it was hard to spit out...I know it hurts his feelings, but I cant say something I dont feel. I guess I do love him as a person, as the father of my children, but I am not i n love. I tell my kids each and every day I love them.. those words come so easy, just kind of fall out of my mouth...He tells me he loves me, he use to tell me a lot more, but now not as much. I understand though. I am short tempered and get mad easily at him...WHY???? well I have this huge wall up around me when it comes to my feelings and emotions with him. I realized arguing does not work. We nitpick a lot at each other. I made a decision to stop doing it because of mykids. Its amazing the things that come out o fhis mouth when I stopped.

His hobby has come between us. His hobby has to do with cars. He is a car person, he buys used ones, fixes them, keeps them or sells them... he is ALWAYS working on cars, if not then researching parts he needs, and then off to get them..When he is not working, this is what he does. Sure we do things as a family, but its always rush rush to get home to do his project. He constantly tells me that he works two jobs, does not have much free time to himself...He walks around with this sense of entitlement since he is the bread winner at home...I appreciate that he works so much. I believe everybody should have a hobby/interests . I would never take that away from him..but thats all he does.. He does not understand when I get mad at all the time he spends out there. Sure, he is right outside...but it gets old after awhile.

I think the worst for me is being married and feeling alone. We do nothing together as a couple. Sure we do things with the kids, which is very important to me. But, once the two younger kids are in bed, we go our separate ways. He tries to hurry them to bed so he has his own time.He does one of two things, go outside to his project, or sits and watches his shows on tv down here.We dont like the same shows. I go to bed alone EVERY night.. sure he comes to bed each and every night but always after I am asleep. He only comes to bed early if he thinks he will get sex

If there is no sex, there is no snuggling, no back rubs, no hand holding...just off to our separate sides and thats it.

I know it bothers him as well at times. A couple months back I found that he posted on another marriage site.. I was really shocked because he never mentioned it. He never even attempted any suggestions that were given.

I am so stubborn, its hard for change.. but I know I am so lonely. I never expect marriage to be so lonely. I could never afford to be on my own with the kids. I think we are both here because of the kids..We have nothing in common besides the children. We can not aggree on a discipline money, or even retirement issues. We want two dift things for the future. I dont think either one of us is wrong.

I just feel sad a lot because of my marriage. If I am busy, then it doesnt bother me too much. Once I get thinking about it, its very sad to me.

I wish I was married to somebody who truely wants to be with me. I mean, I would love for my husband to snuggle with me as we watch a movie. I would love my husband to want to be with me alone, and not just for sex.

Like I said, he is not a bad person, hes got a good heart. Sometimes I believe we just shouldnt be married. I dont believe either one of us is right or wrong.. we are just different.

Anybody else in a situation like this? I swear I feel like the only one.

Amplexor · 03-17-2008, 10:42 AM

You are not alone. Some of your post reminds me of my marriage a year ago. Not seeming to have anything in common. Our marriage is still on the rocks for various reasons but my wife and I are back to being really great friends and we enjoy being with each other. It appears you have both withdrawn from the relationship. You said you were a selfish person. That may drive him away to other hobbies. He is too busy with work and hobbies and doesn’t spend time with you alone. You feel alone. Because he gives you less, you give him less and visa vers. See the pattern. A couple of suggestions. First make time for the two of you to discuss your feelings. Second you should both read Chapman’s Five Languages of Love. Find out what your love languages are and try to do those things for each other. Make time for each other together with out the kids. Take dancing lessons, have a regular date night. Meet for lunch someplace that’s just for you two every couple of weeks. If you don’t like the same TV shows trade off weekends and rent a movie. One week one you’d like to watch, the next him. Watch them together and snuggle up. Spending time together can bring back a lot to a relationship. My bet is if you do it you’ll find more in common than you thought you had. Good luck.

mollyL · 03-17-2008, 01:13 PM

You admit you are a selfish person yet you don't understand why your marriage is on the rocks. Can you really say that in all honesty? You are to be commended to not bashing your hubby. You say he went to marriage site online but didn't didn't follow any of the advice. Could you really notice?
This is purely my own opinion but you cannot "fall out of love". You can misplace it, bury it, disguise it, but love is such a strong force it can't be destroyed by two little people.
I think you need to see a therapist for yourself, and then marriage counseling with each other, if you are still interested.

draconis · 03-17-2008, 06:18 PM

Marriage isn't about working at it but rather doing a little something for it everyday.

You need to calmy communicate to him the things you want and need from the marriage. You need to tell him you feel like the relationship is drifting apart.

On another level you have to undertand and respect where your husband is at. You want affection but find it okay to control the affection he gets and wonder why he isn't more giving without communication or you leading by example.

In some ways it sounds like you have been a self fulfilling doom. You wanted to be a mommy and stay at home and your husband gives you all that but can't have one hobby?

draconis

bluebird · 03-18-2008, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amplexor

You are not alone. Some of your post reminds me of my marriage a year ago. Not seeming to have anything in common. Our marriage is still on the rocks for various reasons but my wife and I are back to being really great friends and we enjoy being with each other. It appears you have both withdrawn from the relationship. You said you were a selfish person. That may drive him away to other hobbies. He is too busy with work and hobbies and doesn’t spend time with you alone. You feel alone. Because he gives you less, you give him less and visa vers. See the pattern. A couple of suggestions. First make time for the two of you to discuss your feelings. Second you should both read Chapman’s Five Languages of Love. Find out what your love languages are and try to do those things for each other. Make time for each other together with out the kids. Take dancing lessons, have a regular date night. Meet for lunch someplace that’s just for you two every couple of weeks. If you don’t like the same TV shows trade off weekends and rent a movie. One week one you’d like to watch, the next him. Watch them together and snuggle up. Spending time together can bring back a lot to a relationship. My bet is if you do it you’ll find more in common than you thought you had. Good luck.

Thank you for your insight. When I say I am selfish, its because I feel its hard to take the first step. Its like if hes not going to do it,then I am not either.. I dont feel selfish in all areas. LOL
His car hobby, has been a love interest of his even before Imet him. When we were dating he always told me his love for cars, his love for fixing and selling and all that stuff. It is not new.Part of my problem is I feel if I had a better marriage I wouldnt resent his hobby so much. I know its a vicious circle.

At this point,I feel that either one of us is or wants to make the first move. Its hard to want to even watch tv with him. He makes it perfectly clear each and every night, he wants "his" time..he makes it perfectly clear that he works two jobs and that it his time once the younger kids are in bed.When weekends come, he lets us all know, that it is his time to work on his hobby, as he has no other time.
I truely understand this. He works, he is entitled to his time.I would never take that away from him, or anybody.
So I feel.

I am, however, going to the library this morning to see if I can find that book you mentioned. Ive seen it mentioned on several other websites, so it must be a good one

bluebird · 03-18-2008, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by draconis

Marriage isn't about working at it but rather doing a little something for it everyday.

You need to calmy communicate to him the things you want and need from the marriage. You need to tell him you feel like the relationship is drifting apart.

On another level you have to undertand and respect where your husband is at. You want affection but find it okay to control the affection he gets and wonder why he isn't more giving without communication or you leading by example.

In some ways it sounds like you have been a self fulfilling doom. You wanted to be a mommy and stay at home and your husband gives you all that but can't have one hobby?

draconis

Ok.. I believe EVERYBODY should have a hobby or other interests. I would never take that from everybody.. I guess for people to truley understand you would have to see it day by day.Him working on cars is just not a every once in awhile hobby. When we were dating he told me he loved cars, love to work on them, fix them etc... But, really a lot of males like cars. I didnt find this unusal.
Maybe I am over reacting...I will give a quick example of day to day life. On his early days from work, he comes home, sits down for maybe 10 minutes. Then, changes to his working on car clothes.. He will go outside and stay there until dinner time.. He comes in eats dinner, goes right outside. If he is not working on his car, then he is off to an auto part store buying a part etc. Weekends come, if the kids have an acitivity, he goes, but not with out saying "how much longer do we have to be here"...come home, change clothes and right outside.. This is no lie. This goes on day after day, week after week. So if it is selfish of me to think this way too much time, then I am the bad person.

I certainly dont feel like I control the affection. Maybe it comes across that way because I feel resenful..
But, there are things hes said to me over the yrs, that I cant let go...
Its really hard to feel connected living with somebody who feels more like a roommate.
I know its really about taking the first step...but I am a very sensitive and emotional person. When my feelings are hurt, it gets hard to move on.
He makes negative comments to me about my parenting, how I do things etc..It really hits hard. Instead of arguing about it, I say nothing..
I could go on and on about this subject, but I wont..

Amplexor · 03-18-2008, 06:46 AM

You are not being selfish in wanting time with your husband. You are not trying to dominate his time just wanting to find time for you and him as a couple. If he is really so disinterested in his own children that he complains about having to be at their functions I think we all know who the selfish one really is.

Immortalone · 03-18-2008, 08:41 AM

I know if I was your husband I would also be finding reasons to do things alone. Think about it. You yourself said in the last two years you have not even said I love you. You said matter of factly that your not in love with him. If this is true then why would you want to spend this time with him. Why would he want to spend the time with you. Even men need to hear there loved, needed and wanted.