Dr.betrayed

Long story short..... A guy at school (my lab partner), for some weird reason thought I was interested in him. He spread rumors all over, saying we were a couple etc. When I realized this, I confronted him and told him never to even show me his face. I thought that was the end of the story...... ..... ..... (In 2005)

A year later, I met another guy (apparently my lab partner's friend). He seemed very nice, caring and showed a lot of respect towards my opinions and principles. We even discussed about who horrible his friends behavior was. He agreed it was his friend's mistake. But asked me to forgive him, credited his actions to adolescence. I told him I was very hurt but I will think over.... ... ... (In 2006)

After few months, out of the blue he proposed to me one day. I was shocked initially. But somewhere deep inside, I knew I had a soft corner for him. so I said yes. He kissed me. We planned about talking with our parents and getting officially engaged. He comes back to me the next day and says he was sorry, he was only playing with my emotions ... just for revenge, because I hurt his friend. I was devastated. I told him, I really liked him. I asked him, if he never felt the sincerity in my emotions. He replied, "yes and that is the only reason I am confessing now. I don't want to hurt you more. Lets just be strangers from now"...

I just couldn't recover. He was the one I used to cook for daily and we used to have every meal together. Suddenly I felt like the world is empty. I couldn't forget him for a second. I did not understand why was it happening to me? What did I do?

FYI, lil' bit info about me, I am an international student pursuing my PhD. All alone, away from home.

I requested him to at least be my friend till I cope up with the situation. But every time he came to visit me, he started saying emotional things like "I love you, but I cannot meet your standards" "I care about you, so I am leaving you" etc. And one unfortunate day we had sex. I was a virgin till then. I strongly wanted my husband to be my first one and the only one. So I decided whatever happens he will be the only one for me. I did not ask him for any commitment. Just kept quiet. Kept the guilt all for myself.

Things continued in the similar fashion, some days he would come home drunk...he would tell me he came to me only for sex. He never loved me. I decided to just hang in there and see what god choose for me. I did not plan anything so far...It was all god's plan so far. I was always sincere so far.

Slowly he started changing. He stopped smoking and drank rarely. He started showing love and concern towards me. He said he loved me and he is ready for serious commitment. He said he was sorry for his mistakes so far. He wanted to get married to me. I was very happy. I thanked god for making it happen.

In the year end, we went to our home country. Met our parents. His parents were very happy with me. My parents had a lot of objections. They said he was not the right guy for me. I was more qualified, in terms of education and more secured financially etc. But I convinced them, I will be happy with him. they finally agreed. We were supposed to get engaged in our next visit.

We came back to USA to continue our studies. All my friends at school thought we were the cutest couple. They called us "made for each other". Everything was fine until one day, when I sent him a "IM" on google chat about a small fight we has last night. After sending him the message, I felt its better I talk to him in person rather than the "IM", so I logged into his email and wanted to delete my message.

I noticed in his chat archive he was still in touch with that guy friend. And they were talking about other girls. Very indecent stuff about girls and their private parts. I had no clue my fiance was taking other girls to disco and dancing with them in the most inappropriate manner. He was also taking pride in sharing his stories with this friend.

I did not know how to react. But I had to take a stand. So I confronted him and he denied. I showed him his chat archive. He confessed. He said there was only little truth in the chat. He made most of the other stuff to make it interesting for his friend. I felt disgusted. In spite of knowing about our commitment, he so called friend was encouraging him to cheat on me....

I told my fiance to pack his bag and leave. I told him it was over. But he cried the whole day and begged me to give him another chance. He even promised to start avoiding that friend and gradually throw him out from our lives. I gave in...I loved him way too much to forgive all his mistakes.

We got married in feb 2009. I did not check his chat archive again. But past 2-3 months I noticed some change in him. Whenever I spoke to his mom or sis, they would ask me about that guy, whom they call his childhood friend etc. I always felt bad and hurt when they spoke about him and my husband would never even try to change the topic. I painfully tolerated the conversation.

I looked into his chat again to see why his name is coming up so often these days. The fact is he was getting married now. And he apparently treats my husband as his "guide" for a happy relationship. He has been seeking active advice from him. I did not like it but decided to give my husband his space, so I did not confront him this time.

I continued to check in regularly on the chat, to make sure he was not being negatively influenced by his friend. Last week, I was shocked to read a chat transcript. My husband was sharing our 'bedroom" stuff with his friend. He was describing about our sex experiences and incidents to his friend.

I am devastated. I feel cheated. My trust is broken. I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine why on earth did he do this to me. I feel like he has stripped me naked in front of a third person. I cannot trust him anymore. I am feeling cold when he touches me. I am not even talking to him in the bedroom anymore. I talk normally in front of my family. I don't want them to know about this.

What do I do? Should I forgive him again? I don't want to break up. But how do I survive this relationship. Time and time he breaks my trust. Please advice.

Dr.betrayed

Sorry, it ended up as a long story....

Crazzy PR Mom

HI Dr. Betrayed
It sounds like your setting your self up for more disappointment. Your Husbands loyalties lie with his friend not with you. I would never recommend for someone to brake up or divorce but you clearly need to make a stand. In marrying you he made a pack and he is clearly braking it. He should respect your feelings and also let his own family know that he is not an appropriate topic when you are present. Don't be afraid to let them know yourself. you are an intelligent educated woman. Know who you are and never question the respect that you deserve. You have been very kind to your husband in dealing with this jerk friend of his. Let him how you feel stand up for yourself if he doesn't respect you than let him know you are not afraid to move on!!!!!!

Dr.betrayed

Thank you for the reply!

I know I should leave... My mind insists on never forgiving him again. But what do I do about this stupid heart?

I don't think I will ever rest in peace.

I keep questioning myself, why me? Why didn't I deserve a happy marriage? I tried everything I could. I put in a lot of efforts for this relationship to work.

I am starting to lose hope. I am having nightmares, I feel like he is stripping me infront of the crowd. I am wondering with whom else did he discuss about our private life. Maybe everyone knows about what I do or what I don't do.....

More than anger, it is about the broken trust...
I probably will never trust him again!

Dr.betrayed

I want to know if guys think its ok to discuss with friends about your intimate bedroom incidents without the knowledge of your wife. Specifically with your best guy friend, who had lust over your wife in the past.

Isn't that breaking trust? Do u think your wife can ever come close to you again, when she knows you probably might be describing it to a third person?

Deejo

I'm missing something, what is your concern?

I'm assuming you know the details because the friend who had the hots for you, told you about the discussion?

Yes, men discuss sex with their partners. At least I certainly have. It was never done in a bragging, or disrespectful way. If you have a good sex life with your spouse, generally friends are envious. If your sex life isn't doing well, talking to your friends to get a reality check can help your perspective.

outinthecold

Move on

Don't

Move on

Don't

If we didn't have anything else to talk about.

Guys are stupid, I know this because I'm one of them.

Immaturity is our strongest feature.

Our fondness for grossness is where all man jokes come from.

Our Ego is larger than any planet.

But one redeeming quality all men have, we don't give up our friends. Most men are fiercely loyal to their man friends, almost to the point of giving up their wives or girlfriends.

It maybe a stupid saying, but, "women may come and go but we are blood friends for life"

Gotta understand that state of mind to understand him.

dawnie

Sometimes the brain must overrule the heart. When it is time to do that is up for each person to decide.

Some boundaries ought never to be broken. Intimacy between partners is one of those things. When trust has been broken it is very, very difficult to ever rebuild it again.

What to do? Nobody can answer that. Only you can decide what to do.

Just remember one thing: WE TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.

So ask yourself. Are you his door mat to be abused and trampled on? Or are you a strong, intelligent, well-educated woman who has her own backbone?

Dr.betrayed

I confronted him other night. He reacted in a very bad tone. He said snooping into his chat was my bad. He wants me to understand how difficult it is for him to keep his friend away from him.
He says
"I know you for 9 nine years, but I know my friend for 25 years." "I agree he hurt you and you don't approve him, but how am I supposed to ditch him?"
"I love you so I chose not to talk to him in front of you, what more do you expect from me?"
" Why don't you give me my space?"
" Just because I have this one friend, am I a bad husband to you? What about all the other things I do for you?"
"will you judge me on just this aspect?"

Sven

"Will you judge me on just this aspect?"

YES.

And the trust issue too. Make him show you EVERYTHING he does - every password, every chat session, every email.

A husband and wife should not keep messages with other people a secret.

You need to get on top of this.

Dancing Nancie

I don't agree with this at all. Everyone deserves a level of privacy. While I agree that anything that is asked should be answered, it's hard for me to fathom a life that does not allow you to speak your mind. What if he has a problem in his marriage that he wants to talk about with someone else? Should she be able to snoop and read or listen in to that conversation? If she wanted to sound some frustration off of one of her girl friends, should he be able to read or listen to that conversation? I just don't think so...

revitalizedhusband

In typical marriages I would venture to bet that the wife talks with her girlfriends about their sex life much more often than the men do.

I know I don't really talk about my sex life with any of my friends, but my wife does. I actually encourage it because if she's thinking/talking about sex the better for me, especially since I'm the one with a higher libido.

kirkster5

You have put yourself in this position by telling your husband who he can and can not have as a friend. Sure this friend is a bit of a D@#k-head but he is a lifelong friend. If it makes you feel any better, he chose you even though he sure as hell took crap from his friend. If you remove the "friend restriction" your H will not have to go behind your back to maintain his friendship. As far as his family, they have every right to talk to your husband about his friend. You need to get over the thing that happened with your former lab partner (tough as it may be) as he is an important part of your husbands social network. Imagine how empowered you will feel when you can look at this guy and not give him the power over your emotions.

I have a couple of friends my wife is not that fond of but she would never ask me not to be friends with them. She has a couple of friends that I can not stand to be honest but I would not ask her to not be friends with them either. One of them even tried to get her to contact an old boyfriend upon hearing of his impending divorce. My wife politely said that her friend needed to respect our marriage even if the friend was not my biggest fan just as I respect thier friendship even though I dont particularly like the friend. That set the boundry/maintained the friendship and the boundry has never been crossed again In fact we are starting to do things together as couples and even getting along.

In order to maintain a strong marriage you must also be strong individuals that have interests outside of the marrriage. This may include friends, hobbies, work etc... That being said, it is up to you to set and negotiate boundries. Your H crossed that line by speaking of your sex-life with another. However, had you ever told him that that was not acceptable? Look, I am a member of the male species. We love to brag! In his mind he was showing off both his ego and your prowess in the sack.

It shows a level of immaturity on his part to not realize that he is crossing the line so you will have to be proactive with what is acceptable behavior. It is part of the deal when you marry young. We guys take a little longer to grow up. I just dont think you end your marriage because your husband has a friend you do not like and feel screwed with your mind. Take back your power!! Show this friend of your husband that you are a bigger more mature person. An Adult if you will. Keep a healthy eye on his behavior until he matures a bit but trust him to chose his friends. Rember your his wife not his mother.

QuitaBee

I'm sorry I was under the impression that all men talk that way with eachother. About past and current encounters, your name may be mentioned or they may refer to you loosely as "one time, this girl/woman/lady/chick and I ....."

I thought thats just what they do. Women do it too. Some things you keep to yourself but your best friend just MIGHT know close to all (no one knows all)!!

As far as the friendship goes its better for you to let him make that decision on his own. Don't try to come between a man and his friend/family....let them make that on their own because relationships come and go, its not fair for you to make him choose.

Sven

If there was trust in the relationship, then it wouldn't be an issue. But since there isn't - nothing can be hidden. And if a friendship is interferring with the marriage then yes it must stop.

She doesn't get to control her husband's life, but he doesn't get to treat her like a doormat either. If he respected her and earned her trust then she wouldn't have a problem with this friend (I'm guessing) even given the past.