11-27-2009, 10:23 AM
Join Date: Nov 2009
| | Re: Need serious advise ladies plzzz
If she believes that your changes won't last, that it'll all fall apart again, then that's your problem. You can't promise that they'll last forever, because you don't know the future. And if you do make such a promise, she'll interpret that as you ignoring or dismissing her concerns. People don't react well to that.
What most people want when they have complaints is to know that (a) they have been heard and taken seriously, and (b) that there is something being done. That's what gives people hope. Being told that the problem is over forever, when everyone involved knows it might come back, breaks part (a).
It sounds like your WoW habit took away lots of her decision making power: you did what you wanted and ignored her. So
I'm not crazy about the expensive ring idea: isn't that just you making a decision about spending money that she has no input to? Think back: what has she said she wants? A porch for the house? New carpets? Has she expressed concern about the financial future? If she's expressed concern for the kids, maybe putting a bunch of money into a college fund for each of the kids would demonstrate that you recognize what she considers important and that you take seriously her concerns.
If I were in your spot, the tack I would take is something along these lines: "I haven't always been there for you, and I haven't treated you the way a husband should treat his wife. When we got married, I knew things wouldn't be perfect, but I hoped to grow; to become more than I was. Each anniversary, I wanted to be a better husband than I had been the year before. That's a goal I didn't make. But it is still what I want. I don't know exactly how it went wrong, or how I lost sight of that. But I want to build a marriage that's strong, and passionate, and lasts for years. And I want to build that marriage with you. It's not going to be perfect, but the mistakes I've made are mistakes I know to avoid. If we do this together, the new mistakes won't be as bad as the old ones. I want our kids to live with both their parents. And I know we'll make mistakes as parents, but together we can find our way through their growing up, and their teenage years, and eventually their marriages.
I haven't done right by you, and I know it. But with your help, I've gotten past that addictive game; I want to spend the rest of my life with you, making up my past mistakes and growing into the kind of husband you deserved all along."
And I would back it up by thinking about everything she'd ever said about anything that concerned her, and taking steps to address those concerns. Is her car getting old and unsafe? A thorough inspection and servicing at the dealer, followed by a complete professional wash/wax/vacuum treatment might be in order. How are the appliances in the house, and the roof, and the siding? Would an energy-efficiency analysis be a good idea? Or maybe scouting out new houses in other areas if she's expressed concern about the schools?
Think about what she wants and needs out of the relationship that she hasn't gotten, and then demonstrate through action, as you express through words, that you're committed to taking care of those wants and needs.