I need some advice...

mypinkdaisy · 03-22-2008, 01:38 PM

Hi,

I am new to the forums. I have decided to join because I don't feel comfortable talking face to face with people I see and interact with daily, and let's face it people can be very judgmental. I am generally the friend that everyone comes to for advice so I am at a loss. Here is my situation and background information.

I have been married to a wonderful husband for almost 3 years, and we have been together for about 6 years. I couldn't even imagine us not being together. We have two children together 5 and almost 1. I am a stay at home mother. My husband and I met through work, I was 6 months pregnant and single, and we were inseparable from day one. He adopted my son, our 5 year old. Everything in our life is like a storybook, and he most certainly is my prince charming. He sacrifices a lot, and works hard so I can be home with our children, and he feels very strongly about this. Everything is perfect except for one thing.... our sex life.

I feel like perhaps I shouldn't be complaining and I feel much guilt over the resentment that I feel sometimes. I know he is tired, or stressed, or whatever and I try very hard to understand to his needs as well as mine, but no matter how hard I try... I just can't fight my feelings, I'm exhausted from it. My husband has little to no drive. It was horrible at first, but I found myself making excuses, just had baby, tired etc... We would talk about it, fight about it, spice things up, try new things, I would send text, or put on sexy outfits, I would be indirect, I would be direct. I would just flat out ask, I would suggest porn, I would plan evenings; get a sitter for the kids... blah blah blah. You name it I have done it. I worked out, did laundry, cleaned, worked, stayed home, cook tend to needs. I am not a high maintenance woman by any means, but am still a woman and sometime I can be emotional. It doesn't take much to please me. I don't need dinners, outings, jewelry, or anything else material. What I do need is close human contact. My husband says he has just always been this way, and I don't talk to him about it at all anymore because one time he told me he would have sex out of guilt. I felt like a loser. I am so tired of crying in my pillow at night and hiding my feelings, and being rejected on a daily basis, and constantly being let down. I am passed the point of being angry, all I feel is hurt and rejection. I started taking anti-depressants about 6 months ago, it helped a little, and I thought maybe it would decrease my libido so it wouldn't bother me anymore; it hasn't diminished in the slightest bit. I feel like there is something wrong with me, I would like to have sex at least every couple of days. I would be content with once a week, and would get by with even twice a month, but in the course of six months we have made love four times. I get my hopes up for holidays, or special events or birthdays what ever, and nothing. Not on Christmas, not on New Years Eve, not on Valentines Day, not on my birthday. I am fighting a losing battle within my self and I feel as though I am going to self destruct. I have gone into a severe depression, and some days are fine, but most are not and I have to fake it for my husband and my children. I honestly feel like this is my problem and there is something that I need to do to fix myself. I have put on 20 pounds in the last two years, and it was not from the baby. My self esteem is horrible. It is the worst it has ever been in my life, I feel like a loser. I no longer like myself. I blame myself constantly. If I was thinner... If I was prettier... If I was a better wife.... If I was a better mother.... If I cleaned house more.... If I wasn't so needy.... because I only have control over my self, I am constantly trying to fix me, but now lack the drive to even want to get dressed some days. I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis, and recently within the past few days I have found him wanting to cuddle with me in bed, and I start to withdrawal. He falls asleep and I cry myself to sleep.

I am not going to get a divorce; I don't contemplate cheating or anything else. I am very much in love with my husband, I just need some advice on how to cope because I don't know how to anymore. He is also a sensitive person, so how I approach this subject is crucial. It’s very frustrating to love someone so much, and to want and need to be close to them, and just starving for any kind of touch. I feel like I am dying.

Sorry for the long post, and all of the rambling, but I guess it feels a little better just to get all of that out after holding it in for so long.

Please one more thing, I don't respond well to criticism that isn't constructive or tactful.

Thanks.

draconis · 03-22-2008, 07:35 PM

Well I hope this is helpful.

First look at yourself. You ned inner strength to how outer strength. If you feel bad about the way you look join a gym or the Y. Not only will you get the body you want but you will also release hormones that make you happy as well. Further, it is a good way to fight or rather burn up sexual energy.

Second start to make touch a part of every routine. When your husband leaves ask for a kiss and hug as well as when he comes home. Ask to cuddy during tv or movie time. When you go out get him in the habit of holding hands.

Third if it is the pure sex you still miss talk to him about going to the doctor with him. Tell him you are worried he might have low hormone levels. Because you are coming across as worried you will not seem like you want something from him.

Offer to give back rubs on days he says he is stressed or tired, who knows where that can lead.

Lastly, use pillow talk to communicate with him that the touch from sex is something you desire, want and need from him. Pillow talk can often work so well because there is little to no other distractions.

Remember, that his sex drive probably has nothing to do with you, how much you weigh or how you look. I am sure he finds you attractive otherwise you two wouldn't be together in the first place.

I do have a few questions what are your ages, religion and where either married before?

draconis

mollyL · 03-30-2008, 11:09 PM

I think that Draconis is offering some valuable insights and some profound advice, because the closeness that develops from the act of intimate touching helps to break down barriers.

Kenya26 · 03-31-2008, 06:55 PM

Hey Lady...
Don't you feel bad about anything. I experienced this with my husband. Quick question, what is the age difference between you two? That may have something to do with it, sometimes women hit sexual peaks at different times then men do. Also, if you have tried everything possible on your behalf, it is time for your hubby to begin the process of trying as well. Your job is just as hard as his, contrary to what people believe. You have just as many demands placed on you daily as his does. The only difference is you stay at home and take care of business and he leaves to take care of his. No more excuses! If you can't get love from your husband then who? Sit down and have a heart to heart with him, no arguing or yelling. See what he really feels about it. If his only excuse is that this is how he has always been, then your suggestion to be that now is the time for change. When we love someone, we are willing to make sacrifices and changes for them. My experience was that my libido was in over drive and my fiance's was not. Then after we got married and my libido calmed down a bit, his surged. For whatever reason we go through bout's of on/off, but sex in a marriage is very important. It keeps people from allowing their minds and hearts to wander off elsewhere. In the meantime, don't go to be sexually angry. When I went through this I went to purchase a very good toy! When you close your eyes, you would be surprised what you can imagine and how you can let your mind run free and bring yourself to ecstacy. Think about it!