my marriage crumbling

superstatic · 12-13-2009, 09:59 PM

Hey everyone, new here! just need some advice on what i should do to save my marriage, so i'm just going to dive right into it. first off my husband has been going through a difficult time the past two months with losing his uncle who he was really close with and a family friend that was murdered. we have had many talks about his uncle and what he is going through and he says he feels alone and nobody understands what he's going through. i don't have any idea what he's going through because i've never lost anybody close to me. i don't know what i can say to make him feel better about it. we talk and i listen to what he has to say, but nothing i say seems to help at all.

the thing that doesn't help the most is that he goes on drinking binges every weekend. when this happens we constantly get into fights. i suggest to him things that he could do to maybe help him get better and he takes it the wrong way. when i tell him that maybe he should go see a counselor to get help with his drinking he turns it into my mom's drinking problem that escalated 7 years ago. when my mom's problem showed up, i left because i couldn't handle the mental abuse. it seems like everytime we fight he constantly brings up about how stupid my brother and dad are and how my mom is a cheating *****. him saying those things really hurt.

the problem that i'm having is whenever he drinks we constantly get into fights that turn into how bad my family is. the things he brings up never has anything to do with what he is feeling about the loss of his uncle, but he constantly brings it up. i can't help to get defensive about all of that because i've asked him many times to not say that about my family but he keeps it up. now i know that i'm not perfect and i have many communication problems. we haven't had sex in six months and after the fight we had today about that, i feel now that the no sex is my fault. can anybody blame me if i want a little romance? i don't want my butt pinched and slapped and having him say you wanna do it? it's frustrating.

this is pretty much the gist of everything that is going on. i guess my question is how do i handle him when he is like this? should i not get defensive and let him continue to crap on my family? i know that losing someone is really hard, i don't know how hard. everything seems to just get worse every time we fight about this. he knows he has to change and that if he does we are done.

sorry this is really long but i don't know who else to talk to about this.

Sven · 12-14-2009, 09:21 AM

Yes, I think you should stop getting defensive and let him continue to crap on your family. You seem to identify that he is in pain. Let him heal. Stop setting boundaries on what he can say.

Admit to him that you do not understand how much he hurts, but that you love him and will stand by him. Just don't fight with him - that will NOT HELP. (How's it been working so far?)

After a few days of zero arguing, grab him and have sex with him. Don't ask - just do it.

artieb · 12-14-2009, 09:58 AM

Sit him down while he's sober and tell him: "I left because I couldn't take the abuse from my mother when she was drunk. I want to stay with you, but if you choose getting drunk over being married, you will eventually drive me away. I won't be in second place to another woman, and I won't be in second place to alcohol. I know you've had pain, and I know you've lost a lot. If you don't get your drinking under control, you're going to lose more. I love my mother, but there were limits on how much I can take, so I left. I love you, but there are still limits on how much I can take."

Sven · 12-14-2009, 10:32 AM

Artieb's idea has merit, I just wouldn't hit him with that yet. Try the zero arguing tactic first and see how that works.